Sunday, January 22, 2017


The smell of the unwashed hair, of that raindrop that has fallen on your arm... the touch of the inner thigh, of that of a man's chest.. the taste of a flower petal, of that of beer on his lips... the look of a castle in the middle of a meadow, of that of little puppies playing together... the sound of rain falling and that of Edith Piaf singing La Vie En Rose... these are senses that are so subtle yet so strong taking you with them to this whimsical world, only you know and enjoy.

The simplicity and truthfulness with which Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor have conveyed the little sensations to the audience.. making it a journey of their own. I cant help but feel this innate yearning to be free.. of that tattoo that I always wanted. The freedom that I always found so endearing and something that I have always been thankful for. Where in this commotion of growing up did I lose it. I feel it. I sense it. It smells and feels so orgasmic. How did I ever miss it. How did I not let it caress my body with a feather like touch. Aah. But complicated.. oh so much so of rumination. Like that corner chair and a cigar (in the little room of a hotel in SanJuan :))... that was Freedom.

with a silly smirk.. and a total sexual energy I sign off this beautiful post. Mwah. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)


I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.


But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Third World Citizens

The stark difference in treatment of human life is easily noticeable as one traverses from the West to the East. People are more accepting of insults, of lesser convenience, and of ways of life that don’t even make sense.

As I disembark the hugely courteous Emirates airlines in Dubai from US I am a satisfied customer. The airhostesses are the best in quality, the food and drinks are above standard, and the smiles..oh smiles. There are travelators even when walking makes more sense but they are there as they give a sense of service. The deep service and satisfaction that every traveler is entitled to... as I came to believe.

Apparently on the other side of the world... as I had clearly forgotten... thats not the norm. You are an Indian.. a third world citizen.. and you will take what we give you and make it work. I commend us for the innate ability that we have developed during our growing years to accept and adapt. We excel in the world we live coz of exactly this. However we leave behind a lot more we can achieve by not demanding more... by not allowing ourselves to ask for more to align with what we deserve.. by not agreeing that we deserve more.

I used to think that the source of all problems for us is population. Its difficult to sustain anything given the sheer number of people. At some point the patience runs out. But now after giving myself a 7 year break I realize its not just the population ..that adds to the problems for sure.. but thats not the problem. The system is indeed the problem. Why do we have to travel for 15 mins in a bus on disembarking the airport. Real Estate problem? Ok agreed. Why do we have to have 5 different security checks before boarding the plane? Why do we need an OTP for EVERYTHING. When majority (upwards of 60%) of the urban metro population is transient then why an address proof in the form of Aadhar card is required for everything. And if it is then why changing address on Aadhar card not an online solution or an easy solution without standing in line for 4 hours. 

Im only venting on the above. Im sure it will take me less than a month to get used to all of the above. But it was important for me to note it down as I continue to live life in the coming months and years and be able to compare the innate sense of adjustment that is built in a normal middle class Indian life.

Monday, October 17, 2016

..beyond words...

My vocabulary failed me. I have been looking for a word or words to express what I feel..what I am/have been going through for the past few weeks/months. I cannot express. Two posts in a row I talk about concoction of feelings.Surpring eh?

I have made one of the biggest decisions of my life and since then not one day have I regretted it..yet. I have been happy. I have been looking forward to this crazy new beginning. My boss thinks I am crazy. And I think somewhere somehow coz of this bold step I am being reverred. Coz I am following my heart.. my dreams.. that many fail to do. I am proud of myself. Not many were with me through this decision. But I did it regardless. And I did it for me for reasons that were important to me and no one else.

But as the day is coming closer.. I am feeling sad. I know this feeling. Its just sadness. I am sad to leave my life.. my home here. But that being said, most all relationships I built here I am burying them as I go. They werent worthy enough for me to take back home. Or I wasnt worthy enough for those relationships. However it goes. Its sad that after seven years I take nothing back. A more mature, wiser, jaded version of me now heads back. Its quite a fresh beginning in many ways.

The huge contemplation on whether I take my furniture and entire house as it stands today with me or not. People find me indecisive and exhausting sometimes when I delve so much and spend so much energy into this very small decision regarding IKEA furniture. But its the comfort of taking it all there with me vs starting completely fresh and with an unknown agenda. Still unsure.. Im leaving it all behind. Just like my relationships. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

...but not guilt..

Despair, helplessness, anger, humiliation, betrayal. But not guilt.

Not guilt: Sometimes you get the strength to stand by yourself. Sometimes someone has to have your back and sometimes its only you that you can trust and fall back on. Faith. In such tumultuous times that's what keeps people going. Thats why people believe in religions. Everyone wants answers even though they are not logical or even believable.

Helplessness: Hate is hurtful. I have hated a lot of things but never hated people. I couldnt. It was too rude to do so even for me. Everyone has their reasons and everyone is in the wrong including me so how could I hate. Is that not good enough. Why is there punishment even for good people. I guess then that that is not good enough. What am I paying for? I thought I already paid my dues. What are my beliefs?

Despair, humiliation: 32 years, you know. Thats a lot of time. Whats the status? A rolling stone gains no moss. That was supposed to be a good thing right? But does it gain anything at all? Is it supposed to? What is a life's journey supposed to gain? ...people, relationships, knowledge, legacy, making world a better place (but how)..... What gives?? I have lost all people and all relationships except the ones that came with birth. Is it over then? Am I done? Is the circle of life done with?

Anger, betrayal: Shame on those that cant see fault of their own. They have a lot of life to live and learn. Losing the person who gave you birth doesnt give you enough perspective I suppose as I had earlier assumed, wrongly so. They are prolly more disillusioned and dumb for the lack of better word and they continue to get fooled.... since being ignorant is the only choice they truly have. Good luck fellow human being. I hope you crumble and die (metaphorically so..).

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Slow Fart

What will it take for me to stop meeting dumb guys??

For the longest time I have believed or rather been forced to believe by my own mother and my own self-conscience that I must have my head far up my own ass to think that all men I meet are dumb, un-witty, or rather slow. But God forgive me I have given these dumb motherfu*****s enough chances to prove their mettle but they dont stand. Oblivious of the nuances of life and the realities thereof they are so unaware.. its flabbergasting. I am not the smartest kid on the block nor am I a beauty queen. I have no right whatsoever to condemn anyone. And I know how wrong and biased this perspective of mine is. But oh my good lord.. I cannot stand this frivolousness anymore! You can only tolerate stupidity for so long. They sleep like a baby unaware of how much stink their shit has caused not allowing me to sleep. Everything doesnt become ok in the morning!! Its just morning.. its not re-birth. My brain cells havent died to get new life in them in the 'morning' you dimwit! Everything in the world is not "ok". Just coz your tiny little loser of a brain doesnt get it doesnt mean its ok. Its not!! When you dont know something dont argue. Take it for a given that I know life better than you do. Just take it for what its worth. Coz I cannot control myself when I get a chance to say "I told you so"!! And thats almost always! How wrong can you be? And how wrong can you be over and over again not listening to me about things you have no clue about! That dick of a male ego. If only it was ever right. Its not like I dont make mistakes. I do and when I do I make myself sound like a baby and say sorry a gazillion times. But if that only happens rarely dont try to match it. You say sorry for as many times as your sad brain stopped giving you company! And when you do say sorry atleast have the courtesy to self-reflect asshole. Coz I will literally shoot you to honor your slow head for allowing you to do the same thing over and over again. Dont sit in the balcony clicking pictures and posting on instagram while telling me that you were sad and regretful! Im on your instagram.. you know that right or you couldnt even fathom something that simple. And do you feel? You know emotions and shit... coz thats how one determines and solves for all these big questions around life and death, euthanasia, abortion, etc. Do you feel anything asshole?

done ranting. 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Reliance, Resistance, Resilience

How do you hold people accountable? Or the change that comes with time is natural and doesnt need accountability and is a good thing with a positive connotation vs the negative one that comes with not being true to your self and self-accountability.

My friend, my dear and good friend, with whom the younger, the more innocent, and the more principled 'I' shared deep views about feminism and holding our own. Her views far more stronger and deeper and well read than mine. That friend who was very clear that changing one's last name after marriage is a sign of submissiveness to a society that doesnt really allow women their true place. She never understood why some women wanted to do that, just like why some women would want to wear the burqa. I, being a big proponent of 'to each his own', didnt get so jittered by these societal rules as far as it was the women who wanted to abide by it without any outside pressure or necessity. Now whether that want came out of their upbringing and having these thoughts hammered into their head, or lack of education, or truly feeling comfortable with these norms.. it didnt matter to me.. as far as they wanted to agree to it. She didnt. She argued that they must be taught and made aware and that they shouldnt make a choice in the darkness of knowledge that existed in these women's lives. She felt strongly that if they knew, they would chose better... better being not changing their names and not wearing a burqa. Obviously the reason why I write this here is because interestingly two years after her marriage she did change her last name. Well not truly changed, but appended another identity to it. She said, she loves her husband too much and wanted to make him happy.

I was baffled. My strong sense of me started to question me. Am I the only one not changing. Is change good. Is this change good? Is she right? Is she right now? Or was she right back then? She stated simply - it would make him happy. Then why did she judge these women before? I keep up. I have always kept up with this world. Am I lagging behind though now. Or is she lost? How do I ever know. Every human being uses people, things, places, situations, etc to bring about a sense of measure in their lives. And mine just shook itself up.

Another friend - married and happy - goofed around with her ex on a business trip. She didnt talk about it, but her more chirpy, older, and 'been there done that' ex did. She was the epitome of righteousness. She hated being one. But she always was. There is a strong sense of reason here that I am not going to share in this space for why she could have done what is being claimed here. But it shakes up my sense of measure again. How do I calibrate? No. I cant be my own measure. It doesnt work that way. We are the foolish social animals and we all want that sense of comfort knowing, its ok. 


After the break-up last year, which was by far my worst break-up, I have tried to find self. You know that quarter-life/mid-life crisis thing... That. We parted amicably, but it hurt the most. Gym/yoga/reading helped. You know the usual. I had started to find comfort in being by myself...filling that void was becoming a less of a to-do and more of a norm. But this new friend changed the perspective. It always helps when people give you reassurance. He couldnt find anything wrong. Which in itself was a little bit of a stretch but I think I needed that extreme in the interim. Towards the end of our time together, coz he had to move coasts, he said something which turned tables for me. He said meeting me changed his life.. changed him.. that I had influenced and made a dent in the regular that his life was... you know stop and smell the roses kinds. Of course, Im sure it wasnt all of me, but that knowledge...that knowledge was so strong. Even though I was logical and practical enough to not believe it, but sometimes that extreme is needed. We changed a little bit of each other for good and that is rare to find. Im glad it happened. Im also glad it was short lived.. always helps to keep the memories positive.


Dating men is so much different from dating boys. Doh! Of course, right. Im new to this, I guess. They dont go all out. They are not all over you. You woo them as much as they woo you. It takes forever to become a part of their inner circle. You are just another date to them vs the jar of possibilities. Its refreshing though. It keeps it light and one doesnt have to lose their sense of self. Rather.. there is too much sense of self.. that Im comfortable with. The life that I have lived.. I have been important to people. I dont associate, if I dont think it will take me there. But dating these days is so not that. Its tough to judge intentions, baggage, association, and emotions. They are as complicated as a teenage girl. Man I understand now the young boys' plight in their teenage years.

Im exploring.. as always.