In the wrong...?..even at 25?

Will I ever be able to conquer my insecurities and errors? Is there ever a new start? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? In the midst of all this why do I get caught up in the nothingness of things. I have always wanted a simple straight forward path to follow, but surprisingly when I am involved I dont really let things be so simple and straight forward. I cant expect myself to own! I cant own everything!

Why do people like me? They never have an asnwer. They never do! Is that a problem? Or is it too good to be true? Am I too submissive? Most people will never agree to that, but I do think and know that beneath the superficial layer, I am quite vulnerable. Am I revealing too much? Is this information even true? I am just zapped and confused. I always have been. And there isnt anybody I trust enough to give me a good feedback.

We are learning about feedbacks in our OB class. And Kinicki says that giving a good feedback is the skill most managers fail to master and this is the problem most companies are facing. THIS is the problem? I thought economic recession was the problem. Looks like not!

I see it in their eyes. But I dont know why they dont behave like that. Or may be I dont perceive their behaviour in the right direction. They appreciate what is not me so much that it makes me jealous. Yes, I am being very truthful in saying that it does get me very jealous. Is it really that wrong to be jealous? I remember soemone telling me that jealousy is a vice and will always make one do wrong things. Like how anger makes one take bad decisions. But then how can one not be jealous? Is it a possibililty? Are there people who have never been jealous of anything? Or they probably just call it something better and fancy?

First impression is the most important impression. First impression lasts forever. But what after first impression? ....what after an amazingly awesome first impression? What do you do now? Anticiaption kills me here. Am I asking the opposite question? But that is what I am ineffective in doing.

I hate her. She is all fidgety, giggly, pretty, and pink. She is a girl.. rather in my terms a girlie girl. Cant stand her. And dont go by her looks, she is cunning. Probably the girl that most guys fantasize about but at the same time curse in their bachelorette party coz of how she used them. She is the reason why I detest being friends with a girl. Shrewd, diplomatic, political and a bitch is how I would perceive her. I have NEVER opposed anyone so strongly. I have opinions but they never have been of such extreme nature. But she is an exception. Or have I unnecessarily given her so much importance? Am I dumb?.. or insecure? But for what?.. For who..? Sometimes I just cant stand myself. Am I being too hard on myself? Does this happen to most?

I think of him still. I read what he writes and everytime...let me reiterate... everytime I feel that he writes for me. Just kinda a feel good factor. He was my foundation and the most important, visible, and well etched person in my memory. Good luck to him. He deserves the best.
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Secluded from the above description of my thoughts, I would make a mention of my birthday. It was the most awesome bday. Thanks to everyone who made it this special. And surprisingly, these were people... err .. friends that I was still getting to know. And even more surprisingly, people who I expected to make it special, only ruined it. Irony.. eh? Or wrong expectations? My analysis says that the solution of all my problems are unmet expectations. But I have never really conquered this approach.
But my 25th bday was a time to remember and I will remember it for a long long time.

Adios.

Strategic Balance

Disclaimer: This post comes at a time when I am dead sleepy but cant sleep coz I have to complete a Stratgy chapter which talks of how people cheat, fancily called opportunism, and how it can hurt you, called costs of opportunism.

(I have had a disclaimer on few of my posts. These are those times when I write coz I am either frustrated, or lazy, or sleepy, or just not in a mood to write. So it might not be a good read, but then I never asked you to read.)

And life can get to you. This post comes as such a contrast to my last one. So much so for a change... and in just three months. Life is the complete opposite of what I had been living in the last 6 months and that probably being the reason for me losing the CFF tag I had and not living upto my set standards. But I am really enjoying it. Its same in many ways but yet so different.

My travel here had an element of excitement because of the Europe trip. That was one helluva trip! I dont even want to get into writing a post explaining it; there is just too much to talk about and too much to not talk about (wink..wink). But coming here and starting a new life freaked me out much less than my shifting to Bangalore for work had. Anticipation wasnt killing me and I was surprised why.

Americans, their culture, their accent, their snootiness and all that:
Wasnt so bad afterall. I dont want to sound like a know-it-all person (in many ways I do and sorry about that) but it didnt take me time or effort to understand them. They are same as Indians in almost all respects. One cant talk about smoking up with them, neither can one wear plunging necklines without people looking, one cant swear, one will get looks if one drinks and gets too excited and etc etc. They are just the same, its just that..probably.. their percentage of open minded people is slightly higher than India. And Indians in the US, abso-fuckin-lutely crazy. The other day I went for Dandiya and I would have had a 100 times better crowd in some sad Pune dandiya than what I had here. Do ABCDs (as my roommates and a lot of others call them) forget to 'get dressed' when they come here and think that everything is cool.

And people have a universal problem with me being outspoken. Some love it, some like it, some outrightly hate it. And the proportion of Indians and Americans who have these opinions remain the same! I thought there was more accpetance here, but I should have known that they have never had a woman Prez whereas India has had!

Some Americans consider me hot/beautiful/super-cool. Good to know that. It always gives me energy to be good to people. I can be very mean sometimes!

Friends:
People are all good. They are not extraordinary, but they are the ones that I can relate to. I dont feel like a dumb chick among them. Indian crowd is kind of a shame. Everyone is amazingly sweet, but I expected something better out of a b-school crowd. I am single, you see. I have different perspectives.

Home:
I avoid being home. I love the graduate suite. Its the common area for the b school graduates, almost like a lounge area. Its awesome fun. Everyone is discussing the same thing and everyone is going crazy! And yes, there are more reasons why I avoid being home!
My roommate sleeps at 9:30 and gets up at 5. Beats Me.. !

Oh that reminds me of one of my professors.. Boatsman.. ! Awesome fella. If it wasnt for him I would have never understood how to manage GOBS of money that I am hoping to make after my MBA! haha.. For better understanding of the legend, click here.

All in all, I am living the same life, just a lot more busier. And I am not complaining. With the setting that I am in, I wouldnt have wanted to be free. Education here is awesome. I really like my school as it gives me the opportunity to be visible and stand out. I am hoping to not let the energy die down and make the most of it.

Adios! Till the next post which will not be published anytime soon.