Sambhog

I read the following half-written post from Dec' 2017 sitting in my Drafts, and couldn't help myself but be amused and live the experiences recalled here. I am really amazed how well articulated this post is. Juvenile.. yes; but gets the point across really well. I can see why I didn't post it, but it is still pretty relevant today and I wanted to post it now. I have stolen the title from back then as well.

 ........................................................................................................................................................

 

I am having a ball of a time dating in India. Not because I have been on great dates, but just coz the variety that is thrown at you has a large standard deviation. So there is plenty to get amused by. First of all lets get this out of the way that I do feel like a loser being so available to the 'sapiosexual' and '420 friendly' clique that is out there. Apparently dating has its own language these days. And one must master it to be 'relevant'. Of course I am old school and fight the good cause to be different from the rest. So I didnt learn it. Also allows me to filter better.

Then there are the married kinds. Two kinds thereof: happily married and just looking for friends and networking (on a dating app, yeah!) with their kids in the profile photos, and the other that is truly just seeking meaningless sex..not like there is ever any meaningful sex. Mostly looking for submissive females. I am amazed to see India come this far this way. Its not that such experimentation or way of life didnt exist before; I just believe that people are embracing it a lot more. I do encourage the sexual healthiness that it brings with it, but its still done shittily in a forum that is not meant for this, unfortunately.

As one successfully filters through this variety, one comes across a breed of founders and co-founders. This is especially true for Bangalore population. Pet care, online education, a learning app... you name it and its there. Proud and busy in their little self created worlds of ignorance and closed circle. I cannot diminish the importance of self starters. I couldnt put all my wits together and muster up the courage to do anything remotely significant. So I respect this kind. But the situation around this today is like the plethora of engineering colleges that had opened up in late last decade to suffice the growing demands of a computer engineer. The quality deteriorates and one must be prejudiced towards it. Else we are doing a disservice to ourselves and the societal economics. And what is bothersome is that they have a haughtiness around them at such young age to question the leaders of the industry including myself hoping to find a giggly little girl that is ogling over their 'CEO' stature. Ugh *puke*

Anyhow when you do get to the few interesting souls after all this effort, sex is never easy. The Indian men - the good ones - are so scared of it. They dont want to do it. These are the grave outcomes of the uncouth male population in India that has scared the good ones from doing the right thing. A little bit more aggression or initiation wouldnt be bad just like the way you like it from your woman. eh. 

.....................................................................................................................................................

Now 9 years later, I do find the situation rather different... I think either it is the post COVID effect or it is the post 40 effect, but everything has changed and the quality of men has really deteriorated. In the earlier years of dating, I had thought that all the good ones are taken. But now that there is excessive access to the divorced (once taken) ones, they are equally bad or actually worse coz they are all jaded (so am I), but additionally they are also reeling with mommy issues emanating from their time with their ex-wives. 

Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

Snake-like

Its that time of the year when the snake sheds it skin only to get another fresh layer over it.. and repeat!

There isnt a phenomenon as sublime and personal as this one both literally and figuratively.

Amen.

Reliance, Resistance, Resilience

How do you hold people accountable? Or the change that comes with time is natural and doesnt need accountability and is a good thing with a positive connotation vs the negative one that comes with not being true to your self and self-accountability.

My friend, my dear and good friend, with whom the younger, the more innocent, and the more principled 'I' shared deep views about feminism and holding our own. Her views far more stronger and deeper and well read than mine. That friend who was very clear that changing one's last name after marriage is a sign of submissiveness to a society that doesnt really allow women their true place. She never understood why some women wanted to do that, just like why some women would want to wear the burqa. I, being a big proponent of 'to each his own', didnt get so jittered by these societal rules as far as it was the women who wanted to abide by it without any outside pressure or necessity. Now whether that want came out of their upbringing and having these thoughts hammered into their head, or lack of education, or truly feeling comfortable with these norms.. it didnt matter to me.. as far as they wanted to agree to it. She didnt. She argued that they must be taught and made aware and that they shouldnt make a choice in the darkness of knowledge that existed in these women's lives. She felt strongly that if they knew, they would chose better... better being not changing their names and not wearing a burqa. Obviously the reason why I write this here is because interestingly two years after her marriage she did change her last name. Well not truly changed, but appended another identity to it. She said, she loves her husband too much and wanted to make him happy.

I was baffled. My strong sense of me started to question me. Am I the only one not changing. Is change good. Is this change good? Is she right? Is she right now? Or was she right back then? She stated simply - it would make him happy. Then why did she judge these women before? I keep up. I have always kept up with this world. Am I lagging behind though now. Or is she lost? How do I ever know. Every human being uses people, things, places, situations, etc to bring about a sense of measure in their lives. And mine just shook itself up.

Another friend - married and happy - goofed around with her ex on a business trip. She didnt talk about it, but her more chirpy, older, and 'been there done that' ex did. She was the epitome of righteousness. She hated being one. But she always was. There is a strong sense of reason here that I am not going to share in this space for why she could have done what is being claimed here. But it shakes up my sense of measure again. How do I calibrate? No. I cant be my own measure. It doesnt work that way. We are the foolish social animals and we all want that sense of comfort knowing, its ok. 

*************************************************************************

After the break-up last year, which was by far my worst break-up, I have tried to find self. You know that quarter-life/mid-life crisis thing... That. We parted amicably, but it hurt the most. Gym/yoga/reading helped. You know the usual. I had started to find comfort in being by myself...filling that void was becoming a less of a to-do and more of a norm. But this new friend changed the perspective. It always helps when people give you reassurance. He couldnt find anything wrong. Which in itself was a little bit of a stretch but I think I needed that extreme in the interim. Towards the end of our time together, coz he had to move coasts, he said something which turned tables for me. He said meeting me changed his life.. changed him.. that I had influenced and made a dent in the regular that his life was... you know stop and smell the roses kinds. Of course, Im sure it wasnt all of me, but that knowledge...that knowledge was so strong. Even though I was logical and practical enough to not believe it, but sometimes that extreme is needed. We changed a little bit of each other for good and that is rare to find. Im glad it happened. Im also glad it was short lived.. always helps to keep the memories positive.

**************************************************************************

Dating men is so much different from dating boys. Doh! Of course, right. Im new to this, I guess. They dont go all out. They are not all over you. You woo them as much as they woo you. It takes forever to become a part of their inner circle. You are just another date to them vs the jar of possibilities. Its refreshing though. It keeps it light and one doesnt have to lose their sense of self. Rather.. there is too much sense of self.. that Im comfortable with. The life that I have lived.. I have been important to people. I dont associate, if I dont think it will take me there. But dating these days is so not that. Its tough to judge intentions, baggage, association, and emotions. They are as complicated as a teenage girl. Man I understand now the young boys' plight in their teenage years.

Im exploring.. as always. 

Dr. Strangelove

Today's learnings:

- Strange how two posts one after the other reference the same person and perception but in totally differently light.

- Men will always be boys.

- How one meeting can change so much in your life. One interview, one date, one phone call, one conversation and your life changes from what it could have been. Sometimes its a life changing turn, sometimes its just a different outcome to the evening. Both still good. :)

- One bad thing always and always leads to another good thing. Have faith.

- Seattle o Seattle. It squirms. Networking - Thumbs up. Dating - Thumbs down.

- Oh.. and strange people like strange movies. I guess thats the road to coolness. Hehe.

- On a different note, I saw Jeff B. No No. Didnt talk to him, didnt shake his hands, just saw him. Pretty cool still. He is leaner than what I thought he would be.

- We made a Guinness World Record of maximum kazoos in a room. What I learnt? that Kazoo is crazzzzy...

- I love the baby that just walked past me. I can bite her pink cheeks out.

- Beautiful mornings can do so much good to you.

What I havent learnt:

- Answer to Are men dumb?

- What does a man want?

- Why pay for Mix Master Mike when you dont get to hear him play for more than 10 mins?

- Why did I order a Double Chocolate muffin over a less chocolaty scone.. !!!?!!

- Why do people make queues to board the plane? They are not going to get a better seat or get in any faster?

- Why did I not get a call? I expected more. I respected more.

Deep sigh! A Smile! All is well!