Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

A re-do

I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion. 

It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings. 

As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way. 

I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!

Riders of a Storm

Every time I think I have made progress and that today I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, I surprise myself with how much wiser I become with each passing day/year and I start to see potential in myself that I hadn't uncovered so far. Innit fucking awesome? But I do recognize that there is still a lot of work to do. An interesting thing to note is that the more clearer I am in my mind the less articulate I have become on paper or in speech. That is such an anti-thesis of everything I know to be true. And hence the lack of posts here. I have sat down many times and started to draft a bunch of new posts over the last 3 years, but just never got around to completing them. I would just argue the point in my head and then see no reason for posting it or feel compelled to put my thoughts down coz I have already gone through the process in my head. Have I just become more efficient? or lazy?

2022 has started well and has been so refreshing thus far. Its same same but different :) I am finding the air crisper, the greens fresher... there is a skip in my step, and there is sparkle in my eye. I feel closer to God and a little bit more in awe of myself for how I have handled things in the recent past. My work is back to being my front and center. I may not win at this, but I will definitely give my best possible most hard working shot. This is the only thing I know today that is in my hands. So are my relationships btw, but I suck at them. Atleast I am good at my work. And it almost always recognizes and reciprocates the time and effort I put in it.

I am totally inspired for this post by my morning today at a park. 😇

Apna time aayega..

Of the many things in life you see, experience, feel.. only a few leave a noticeable impression on you. Movies are a genre that often find a relatable spot and leave such an impression. Gully Boy is one such movie of the recent times that touched me in a way that is not only relatable but also made me appreciate the pure craft that is film-making. Ranveer Singh as Murad is flawless. His adamance to be hopeful reminds me of myself. I am reminded to value the hope and whim which with I have lived my life thus far. No one has time for disappointment. I am too busy being eager :).

But then again, the innocence of his relationship with Safeena reminded me of one of mine - full of deep understanding, growth, and habituation. A world without it didnt seem to exist. Well that bubble broke too soon. Hehe. But the thing to note was that a life beyond habituation was possible. I am living it and its beautiful. There is more clarity of self and that of the world around me.

I wonder sometimes how a cricket World Cup, a movie, a coffee, a Thank You note, etc can change your perspective and hence your life in many ways. Some moments are defining. Its amazing when there is someone else who feels these moments with you. The surreal sense of depth and comfort in those moments is unparalleled. Its like a ray of sun on your face on a beautiful summer day - its almost enlightening. So are those shared moments. But sometimes .. just sometimes .. there is magic in your own company and sharing those moments just with yourself... reflecting on the big fat awesome life you have led. For example: only yesterday a friend shared a pic of a reunion with friends from 11 years ago. Its a blessing to note how far the two of us have come among the 11 that met.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Damn it. Did I stop rolling! 

Dun matter. Apna time aayega :)

 

Unrest

Opposing emotions are such a bitch. 

One can love and the other can only allude. One can peep into the future and the other can only remember the past. One can be at peace and the other at disproportionate unrest… with one another. Just the cacophony of emotions is bewildering to me. How varied and rainbow like can life be. Matching wavelengths and frequencies is such a physics phenomenon that barely holds true to my life. Ugh. Chemistry and biology also isn’t aligned. And math was always a problem. Geography then?

Why such unrest? There are a myriad of explanations, but is it worth to dig further? Is that how things must pan out… by forcing an answer? To find that peaceful space in my gut is such a beautiful feeling.. I hope I have the pleasure to feel that way.. coz opposing emotions are such a bitch.

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

yeh shaam..zindagi ki

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aa jao..
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aaja na...
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai 

Tumhare baad hamara haal aisa hai,
Ke jaise saaz ke sab taar toot jaate hain
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui 

Tum toh gaye par yaad na gayi,
Zubaan se meri fariyaad na gayi
Guzri na aisi koi saans,
Jismein tumahara naam na ho,
Tab tak karunga yaad main,
Jab tak umr tamaam na ho,
Tumhare haath se mera haath yoon chhuta,
ke jaise bheed mein kuch haath chhoot jaate hai
ke is samay toh, parinde bhi.. laut aate hai

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui,
Ab toh wapas aa jao...

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kisko khojti hun main..kya chahti hun main..kiska mujhe intezaar hai.. kyun darti hun main.
is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain.. 

The wait seems to be theoretical self-made concept rather than a reality. My deepest emotions are that of fear and hurt rather than of being loved. I wonder do people know love today? Or do they do love? The greatest poets and philosophers talk of pain and yearning with such eloquence that one cant help but fantasize such hurt. Are emotions a good thing or bad? Is it fair to expect and hope for some understanding or even with that we complicate it too much to align with our fantasies like I mentioned earlier allowing no one and nothing to understand. 

...is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain...