Sambhog

I read the following half-written post from Dec' 2017 sitting in my Drafts, and couldn't help myself but be amused and live the experiences recalled here. I am really amazed how well articulated this post is. Juvenile.. yes; but gets the point across really well. I can see why I didn't post it, but it is still pretty relevant today and I wanted to post it now. I have stolen the title from back then as well.

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I am having a ball of a time dating in India. Not because I have been on great dates, but just coz the variety that is thrown at you has a large standard deviation. So there is plenty to get amused by. First of all lets get this out of the way that I do feel like a loser being so available to the 'sapiosexual' and '420 friendly' clique that is out there. Apparently dating has its own language these days. And one must master it to be 'relevant'. Of course I am old school and fight the good cause to be different from the rest. So I didnt learn it. Also allows me to filter better.

Then there are the married kinds. Two kinds thereof: happily married and just looking for friends and networking (on a dating app, yeah!) with their kids in the profile photos, and the other that is truly just seeking meaningless sex..not like there is ever any meaningful sex. Mostly looking for submissive females. I am amazed to see India come this far this way. Its not that such experimentation or way of life didnt exist before; I just believe that people are embracing it a lot more. I do encourage the sexual healthiness that it brings with it, but its still done shittily in a forum that is not meant for this, unfortunately.

As one successfully filters through this variety, one comes across a breed of founders and co-founders. This is especially true for Bangalore population. Pet care, online education, a learning app... you name it and its there. Proud and busy in their little self created worlds of ignorance and closed circle. I cannot diminish the importance of self starters. I couldnt put all my wits together and muster up the courage to do anything remotely significant. So I respect this kind. But the situation around this today is like the plethora of engineering colleges that had opened up in late last decade to suffice the growing demands of a computer engineer. The quality deteriorates and one must be prejudiced towards it. Else we are doing a disservice to ourselves and the societal economics. And what is bothersome is that they have a haughtiness around them at such young age to question the leaders of the industry including myself hoping to find a giggly little girl that is ogling over their 'CEO' stature. Ugh *puke*

Anyhow when you do get to the few interesting souls after all this effort, sex is never easy. The Indian men - the good ones - are so scared of it. They dont want to do it. These are the grave outcomes of the uncouth male population in India that has scared the good ones from doing the right thing. A little bit more aggression or initiation wouldnt be bad just like the way you like it from your woman. eh. 

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Now 9 years later, I do find the situation rather different... I think either it is the post COVID effect or it is the post 40 effect, but everything has changed and the quality of men has really deteriorated. In the earlier years of dating, I had thought that all the good ones are taken. But now that there is excessive access to the divorced (once taken) ones, they are equally bad or actually worse coz they are all jaded (so am I), but additionally they are also reeling with mommy issues emanating from their time with their ex-wives. 

Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

A re-do

I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion. 

It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings. 

As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way. 

I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!

Riders of a Storm

Every time I think I have made progress and that today I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, I surprise myself with how much wiser I become with each passing day/year and I start to see potential in myself that I hadn't uncovered so far. Innit fucking awesome? But I do recognize that there is still a lot of work to do. An interesting thing to note is that the more clearer I am in my mind the less articulate I have become on paper or in speech. That is such an anti-thesis of everything I know to be true. And hence the lack of posts here. I have sat down many times and started to draft a bunch of new posts over the last 3 years, but just never got around to completing them. I would just argue the point in my head and then see no reason for posting it or feel compelled to put my thoughts down coz I have already gone through the process in my head. Have I just become more efficient? or lazy?

2022 has started well and has been so refreshing thus far. Its same same but different :) I am finding the air crisper, the greens fresher... there is a skip in my step, and there is sparkle in my eye. I feel closer to God and a little bit more in awe of myself for how I have handled things in the recent past. My work is back to being my front and center. I may not win at this, but I will definitely give my best possible most hard working shot. This is the only thing I know today that is in my hands. So are my relationships btw, but I suck at them. Atleast I am good at my work. And it almost always recognizes and reciprocates the time and effort I put in it.

I am totally inspired for this post by my morning today at a park. 😇

Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

Apna time aayega..

Of the many things in life you see, experience, feel.. only a few leave a noticeable impression on you. Movies are a genre that often find a relatable spot and leave such an impression. Gully Boy is one such movie of the recent times that touched me in a way that is not only relatable but also made me appreciate the pure craft that is film-making. Ranveer Singh as Murad is flawless. His adamance to be hopeful reminds me of myself. I am reminded to value the hope and whim which with I have lived my life thus far. No one has time for disappointment. I am too busy being eager :).

But then again, the innocence of his relationship with Safeena reminded me of one of mine - full of deep understanding, growth, and habituation. A world without it didnt seem to exist. Well that bubble broke too soon. Hehe. But the thing to note was that a life beyond habituation was possible. I am living it and its beautiful. There is more clarity of self and that of the world around me.

I wonder sometimes how a cricket World Cup, a movie, a coffee, a Thank You note, etc can change your perspective and hence your life in many ways. Some moments are defining. Its amazing when there is someone else who feels these moments with you. The surreal sense of depth and comfort in those moments is unparalleled. Its like a ray of sun on your face on a beautiful summer day - its almost enlightening. So are those shared moments. But sometimes .. just sometimes .. there is magic in your own company and sharing those moments just with yourself... reflecting on the big fat awesome life you have led. For example: only yesterday a friend shared a pic of a reunion with friends from 11 years ago. Its a blessing to note how far the two of us have come among the 11 that met.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Damn it. Did I stop rolling! 

Dun matter. Apna time aayega :)

 

Snake-like

Its that time of the year when the snake sheds it skin only to get another fresh layer over it.. and repeat!

There isnt a phenomenon as sublime and personal as this one both literally and figuratively.

Amen.