Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

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I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

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But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.

Third World Citizens

The stark difference in treatment of human life is easily noticeable as one traverses from the West to the East. People are more accepting of insults, of lesser convenience, and of ways of life that don’t even make sense.

As I disembark the hugely courteous Emirates airlines in Dubai from US I am a satisfied customer. The airhostesses are the best in quality, the food and drinks are above standard, and the smiles..oh smiles. There are travelators even when walking makes more sense but they are there as they give a sense of service. The deep service and satisfaction that every traveler is entitled to... as I came to believe.

Apparently on the other side of the world... as I had clearly forgotten... thats not the norm. You are an Indian.. a third world citizen.. and you will take what we give you and make it work. I commend us for the innate ability that we have developed during our growing years to accept and adapt. We excel in the world we live coz of exactly this. However we leave behind a lot more we can achieve by not demanding more... by not allowing ourselves to ask for more to align with what we deserve.. by not agreeing that we deserve more.

I used to think that the source of all problems for us is population. Its difficult to sustain anything given the sheer number of people. At some point the patience runs out. But now after giving myself a 7 year break I realize its not just the population ..that adds to the problems for sure.. but thats not the problem. The system is indeed the problem. Why do we have to travel for 15 mins in a bus on disembarking the airport. Real Estate problem? Ok agreed. Why do we have to have 5 different security checks before boarding the plane? Why do we need an OTP for EVERYTHING. When majority (upwards of 60%) of the urban metro population is transient then why an address proof in the form of Aadhar card is required for everything. And if it is then why changing address on Aadhar card not an online solution or an easy solution without standing in line for 4 hours. 

Im only venting on the above. Im sure it will take me less than a month to get used to all of the above. But it was important for me to note it down as I continue to live life in the coming months and years and be able to compare the innate sense of adjustment that is built in a normal middle class Indian life.

..beyond words...

My vocabulary failed me. I have been looking for a word or words to express what I feel..what I am/have been going through for the past few weeks/months. I cannot express. Two posts in a row I talk about concoction of feelings.Surpring eh?

I have made one of the biggest decisions of my life and since then not one day have I regretted it..yet. I have been happy. I have been looking forward to this crazy new beginning. My boss thinks I am crazy. And I think somewhere somehow coz of this bold step I am being reverred. Coz I am following my heart.. my dreams.. that many fail to do. I am proud of myself. Not many were with me through this decision. But I did it regardless. And I did it for me for reasons that were important to me and no one else.

But as the day is coming closer.. I am feeling sad. I know this feeling. Its just sadness. I am sad to leave my life.. my home here. But that being said, most all relationships I built here I am burying them as I go. They werent worthy enough for me to take back home. Or I wasnt worthy enough for those relationships. However it goes. Its sad that after seven years I take nothing back. A more mature, wiser, jaded version of me now heads back. Its quite a fresh beginning in many ways.

The huge contemplation on whether I take my furniture and entire house as it stands today with me or not. People find me indecisive and exhausting sometimes when I delve so much and spend so much energy into this very small decision regarding IKEA furniture. But its the comfort of taking it all there with me vs starting completely fresh and with an unknown agenda. Still unsure.. Im leaving it all behind. Just like my relationships. 

Lonely

Happy Diwali :)

I love this festival. It is so ingrained in me and my traditions spark up on this day. My childhood memories are so vivid in my mind, that everytime I am alone on this day, I cannot control my tears. It used to be beautiful.. Just serene, calm, and beautiful.

And today, like never before, I am so very lonely. Not just physically but even virtually. Yes, in today's world virtual friendship and love counts!!! It hurts to sit back home all by oneself writing this blog when one should be dressed up in bright sarees, lighting diyas, doing pooja, and bursting crackers.

The indifference hurts, hurts like never before. But I am determined to tread this path myself. I have done it once before, shouldnt be that difficult all over again.

Current Status - Keeping faith alive.

That lasts Forever...

Living away from your home country gives you a different perspective on things and situations you never thought were even a part of your existence. Things that you used to laugh off as they were so umimportant or made jokes about as they were so lame. Now for example take these:

Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Hero Honda Splendor 80km/Litre.

2 Cockroach ICU mein ek dusre ke bagal waale bed mein admit the.
Pehla Cockroach: "Kya dost Baygon se?
Dusra Cockroach: "Nahin re Paragon se."

Now, dont throw paper balls at me. I truly understand the frustration you might have reading these. Even the lamest of the people dont find this funny enough to chuckle at. And I didnt either till about a couple of months back. I dont know what has taken over me. I was in despair and felt grossly sad that the next generation might never know what a legacy Paragon was and how their advertisements were the worst ones ever made. They would never understand what pride those tight pant romeos with rumal around their neck had when they zoomed past by a seedhi saadhi Indian ladki on their Hero Honda Splendor. There are these small things in life that have made me the Indian that I am. I have fallen in love with these things unknowingly and I am fond of them. There lies a beauty in these imperfections.

If I plan to live in US and raise my kids here, how will they ever know the likes of Shammi Kapoor, Dev Anand, and Rajesh Khanna? And worse still they will never be able to mimic any of these lengends in the Uncle-Aunty gatherings. (Oh God.. How much I hated when I had to dance in front of an un-interested audience). Recently I was listening to "Isharon Isharon mein dil lene waale - Kashmir ki Kali" and I couldnt fall in love with Sharmila Tagore once again.

These are all memories from my childhood and my kids will surely will have their own memories, but where will all this go? Who will carry the name of Paragon ahead? I am just getting paranoid. I guess I am growing old. I do see some wrinkles next to my eyes!! Anyway, so this has been my concern for a while. The question is which is better? - The traditional upbringing with my kids fighting the scarcity of water & electricity, crazy bus travels, and love for people - tooo many people. Or the higher quality of life in US with clean air and clean water, higher quality of education but still dumb people around, and lots of beer? Very difficult choice indeed!!

I am too proud of an Indian. I always respected the culture in India but now I appreciate it too. Its bold, vibrant, rich, and deep-rooted.

Current Status - In love with my coutry and my upbringing.

The unmatched 90's

No one can ever have anything more over-the-top than the 90's. Even the 60's and 70's were better than the 90's. The puffed sleeves, the pointed blouses, the thin glossy lips, the sparse bangs, colored smoke on the movie sets, heroes with long hair (and a horse!!), and so much more drama... its unbeatable!

Off late I have been listening to some of the bollywood 90's music and its outstanding! uncomparable! Just takes me back to those times that were mine. These are my memories and when I grow up, I am going to be talking to my kids about exactly these songs. HAHAHA. You have to listen to these, to understand what I am saying. And people from my generation who grew up in India will undoubtedly relate to these else their upbringing is a shame!

Typical #1


Typical #2
(All Ashiqui songs qualify for this list. I am having a very hard time choosing which ones should go on my blog)




Especial mention to the lyrics - "Zeher zindagi ka pee lenge hum"

And then there are some that even though they are typical, they are just timeless marvels and I cannot mock them.

#1


#2


Current Status - Nostalgic and loving the 90's

Strength

Its sad that I am not as well aware of the world around me as I used to be. Its sadder that I am not even aware anymore of my own country!

Heard of the recent cloudburst in Leh only today. And I am deeply upset. I had been there when I was a little girl and no other memories are comparably as beautiful as those ones. To see the city lose its beautiful landscaping and people coz of a natural phenomenon hurts me. But thankfully it didnt get ruined at the hands of a few gunmen.

The river with a huge stone (that had my name etched on it) is not there anymore. I wanted to go back and visit it. The trees with yellow flowers, the rustic smell, and the barren landscape will all be missing. I am just so glad that atleast I have those memories to live by and I do hope that Leh can recover.

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Rahul Gandhi should be a little more responsible about his and his family's well being. I totally understand where he is coming from when he choses to go to the interiors of India with minimal security. But one must not forget Rajiv Gandhi's demise could have been avoided if it was for better security. And India cannot afford to lose another Gandhi. It is a great attitude to serve the countrymen and not intimidate them with the crazy security that follows these politicians. The informal setting helps the young politician to build a better rapport and oneness with the masses. But in doing so he is being overtly ambitious and emotional. By trying to ape his father's style he is making me nervous. I really like him and I hope that I dont hear of any unnerving anytime.

Year

Its been exactly one year since the time I stepped into US for my graduation. Time flies. I cant think of any other span of twelve months where I had grown so much. I have grown on a personal and a professional front immensely. I didnt know of so many of my capabilities until now. Its just great to discover and then re-discover yourself over and over again. Just astounding! And at the same time, it sucks to see yourself fall flat on the ground with same problems over and over again!

Its been a year and one week that I have been away from home. I never feel homesick. The last time I did was probably first semester during engineering! That was my first time away from home and that was way long back. Currently I wouldnt call myself homesick, but there is this hollow feeling inside of me and I want to be home, be in my country, among my people. There is nothing like home and I talk of India when I say home. I miss the butt grazing, cotton kurtis, barista, bollywood music, and all that. Cant wait for Dec to come to dance in Munira's wedding!!

I have many more years to go and I intend to stay here for years to come. Past is always missed and should be thought of with fondness but one must move towards future with values learnt from the past. I love my country and my people but right now this is the best thing for me to evolve. Like I said, I havent grown and learnt as much as I have in the last one year ever before. And there is lot more to come.

Current Status - hopeful.