I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion.
It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings.
As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way.
I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!
