Sambhog

I read the following half-written post from Dec' 2017 sitting in my Drafts, and couldn't help myself but be amused and live the experiences recalled here. I am really amazed how well articulated this post is. Juvenile.. yes; but gets the point across really well. I can see why I didn't post it, but it is still pretty relevant today and I wanted to post it now. I have stolen the title from back then as well.

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I am having a ball of a time dating in India. Not because I have been on great dates, but just coz the variety that is thrown at you has a large standard deviation. So there is plenty to get amused by. First of all lets get this out of the way that I do feel like a loser being so available to the 'sapiosexual' and '420 friendly' clique that is out there. Apparently dating has its own language these days. And one must master it to be 'relevant'. Of course I am old school and fight the good cause to be different from the rest. So I didnt learn it. Also allows me to filter better.

Then there are the married kinds. Two kinds thereof: happily married and just looking for friends and networking (on a dating app, yeah!) with their kids in the profile photos, and the other that is truly just seeking meaningless sex..not like there is ever any meaningful sex. Mostly looking for submissive females. I am amazed to see India come this far this way. Its not that such experimentation or way of life didnt exist before; I just believe that people are embracing it a lot more. I do encourage the sexual healthiness that it brings with it, but its still done shittily in a forum that is not meant for this, unfortunately.

As one successfully filters through this variety, one comes across a breed of founders and co-founders. This is especially true for Bangalore population. Pet care, online education, a learning app... you name it and its there. Proud and busy in their little self created worlds of ignorance and closed circle. I cannot diminish the importance of self starters. I couldnt put all my wits together and muster up the courage to do anything remotely significant. So I respect this kind. But the situation around this today is like the plethora of engineering colleges that had opened up in late last decade to suffice the growing demands of a computer engineer. The quality deteriorates and one must be prejudiced towards it. Else we are doing a disservice to ourselves and the societal economics. And what is bothersome is that they have a haughtiness around them at such young age to question the leaders of the industry including myself hoping to find a giggly little girl that is ogling over their 'CEO' stature. Ugh *puke*

Anyhow when you do get to the few interesting souls after all this effort, sex is never easy. The Indian men - the good ones - are so scared of it. They dont want to do it. These are the grave outcomes of the uncouth male population in India that has scared the good ones from doing the right thing. A little bit more aggression or initiation wouldnt be bad just like the way you like it from your woman. eh. 

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Now 9 years later, I do find the situation rather different... I think either it is the post COVID effect or it is the post 40 effect, but everything has changed and the quality of men has really deteriorated. In the earlier years of dating, I had thought that all the good ones are taken. But now that there is excessive access to the divorced (once taken) ones, they are equally bad or actually worse coz they are all jaded (so am I), but additionally they are also reeling with mommy issues emanating from their time with their ex-wives. 

Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

A re-do

I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion. 

It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings. 

As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way. 

I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!

Riders of a Storm

Every time I think I have made progress and that today I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, I surprise myself with how much wiser I become with each passing day/year and I start to see potential in myself that I hadn't uncovered so far. Innit fucking awesome? But I do recognize that there is still a lot of work to do. An interesting thing to note is that the more clearer I am in my mind the less articulate I have become on paper or in speech. That is such an anti-thesis of everything I know to be true. And hence the lack of posts here. I have sat down many times and started to draft a bunch of new posts over the last 3 years, but just never got around to completing them. I would just argue the point in my head and then see no reason for posting it or feel compelled to put my thoughts down coz I have already gone through the process in my head. Have I just become more efficient? or lazy?

2022 has started well and has been so refreshing thus far. Its same same but different :) I am finding the air crisper, the greens fresher... there is a skip in my step, and there is sparkle in my eye. I feel closer to God and a little bit more in awe of myself for how I have handled things in the recent past. My work is back to being my front and center. I may not win at this, but I will definitely give my best possible most hard working shot. This is the only thing I know today that is in my hands. So are my relationships btw, but I suck at them. Atleast I am good at my work. And it almost always recognizes and reciprocates the time and effort I put in it.

I am totally inspired for this post by my morning today at a park. 😇

Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

Apna time aayega..

Of the many things in life you see, experience, feel.. only a few leave a noticeable impression on you. Movies are a genre that often find a relatable spot and leave such an impression. Gully Boy is one such movie of the recent times that touched me in a way that is not only relatable but also made me appreciate the pure craft that is film-making. Ranveer Singh as Murad is flawless. His adamance to be hopeful reminds me of myself. I am reminded to value the hope and whim which with I have lived my life thus far. No one has time for disappointment. I am too busy being eager :).

But then again, the innocence of his relationship with Safeena reminded me of one of mine - full of deep understanding, growth, and habituation. A world without it didnt seem to exist. Well that bubble broke too soon. Hehe. But the thing to note was that a life beyond habituation was possible. I am living it and its beautiful. There is more clarity of self and that of the world around me.

I wonder sometimes how a cricket World Cup, a movie, a coffee, a Thank You note, etc can change your perspective and hence your life in many ways. Some moments are defining. Its amazing when there is someone else who feels these moments with you. The surreal sense of depth and comfort in those moments is unparalleled. Its like a ray of sun on your face on a beautiful summer day - its almost enlightening. So are those shared moments. But sometimes .. just sometimes .. there is magic in your own company and sharing those moments just with yourself... reflecting on the big fat awesome life you have led. For example: only yesterday a friend shared a pic of a reunion with friends from 11 years ago. Its a blessing to note how far the two of us have come among the 11 that met.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Damn it. Did I stop rolling! 

Dun matter. Apna time aayega :)

 

Snake-like

Its that time of the year when the snake sheds it skin only to get another fresh layer over it.. and repeat!

There isnt a phenomenon as sublime and personal as this one both literally and figuratively.

Amen.

Unrest

Opposing emotions are such a bitch. 

One can love and the other can only allude. One can peep into the future and the other can only remember the past. One can be at peace and the other at disproportionate unrest… with one another. Just the cacophony of emotions is bewildering to me. How varied and rainbow like can life be. Matching wavelengths and frequencies is such a physics phenomenon that barely holds true to my life. Ugh. Chemistry and biology also isn’t aligned. And math was always a problem. Geography then?

Why such unrest? There are a myriad of explanations, but is it worth to dig further? Is that how things must pan out… by forcing an answer? To find that peaceful space in my gut is such a beautiful feeling.. I hope I have the pleasure to feel that way.. coz opposing emotions are such a bitch.

Rise Up

I have been wanting to go off facebook for a while now. Not off like delete the profile and be dead, but limit my consumption of nail polish and make-up tutorials, DIY tutorials, and "fake news". I think to myself that when I could live through the everyone-getting-married facebook era and then the baby-producing phase with a daily new baby announcement on facebook, I have already lived through the challenging parts of the online/virtual life. Now its an easy sail. I dont comdemn it. I do appreciate the fact that I have been able to connect with very distant acquaintances that I never really spoke in real life, but have been able to develop ties in this new online living.

However I learnt about something on facebook today that related to the past disaster in my life, and I started to wonder where does one draw the line. It resulted in 10 secs of surprise followed by pity for the poor guy justifying his current existence. But that also quickly withered away and followed by my lowly meanderings and that stayed. What the hell am I doing? There is a world of knowledge and sea of inspiring people and here I am surrounding myself with people that don't intrigue me. There is no dearth of good people. I am good too. But that is the lowest bar I can set for myself. Since when did I allow myself to be so unbecoming of my own caliber. Just being occupied in conversations is not enough. A state of nothingness is far better than numbing dull conversations. No? Or can one learn something or the other from everyone and every conversation? I miss B. Never thought I would but I do. He tired me by talking sense all the time. And now I miss it. But coming back to this incidence it has just left me wondering why I entangle myself in the past so much. I left it behind coz I didnt want it. Then I should not have it. I am not differentiating myself from him by doing this. I am being like him and I dont like him.

Rise Up !

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

yeh shaam..zindagi ki

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aa jao..
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aaja na...
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai 

Tumhare baad hamara haal aisa hai,
Ke jaise saaz ke sab taar toot jaate hain
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui 

Tum toh gaye par yaad na gayi,
Zubaan se meri fariyaad na gayi
Guzri na aisi koi saans,
Jismein tumahara naam na ho,
Tab tak karunga yaad main,
Jab tak umr tamaam na ho,
Tumhare haath se mera haath yoon chhuta,
ke jaise bheed mein kuch haath chhoot jaate hai
ke is samay toh, parinde bhi.. laut aate hai

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui,
Ab toh wapas aa jao...

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kisko khojti hun main..kya chahti hun main..kiska mujhe intezaar hai.. kyun darti hun main.
is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain.. 

The wait seems to be theoretical self-made concept rather than a reality. My deepest emotions are that of fear and hurt rather than of being loved. I wonder do people know love today? Or do they do love? The greatest poets and philosophers talk of pain and yearning with such eloquence that one cant help but fantasize such hurt. Are emotions a good thing or bad? Is it fair to expect and hope for some understanding or even with that we complicate it too much to align with our fantasies like I mentioned earlier allowing no one and nothing to understand. 

...is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain... 

Transparent

The smell of the unwashed hair, of that raindrop that has fallen on your arm... the touch of the inner thigh, of that of a man's chest.. the taste of a flower petal, of that of beer on his lips... the look of a castle in the middle of a meadow, of that of little puppies playing together... the sound of rain falling and that of Edith Piaf singing La Vie En Rose... these are senses that are so subtle yet so strong taking you with them to this whimsical world, only you know and enjoy.

The simplicity and truthfulness with which Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor have conveyed the little sensations to the audience.. making it a journey of their own. I cant help but feel this innate yearning to be free.. of that tattoo that I always wanted. The freedom that I always found so endearing and something that I have always been thankful for. Where in this commotion of growing up did I lose it. I feel it. I sense it. It smells and feels so orgasmic. How did I ever miss it. How did I not let it caress my body with a feather like touch. Aah. But complicated.. oh so much so of rumination. Like that corner chair and a cigar (in the little room of a hotel in SanJuan :))... that was Freedom.

with a silly smirk.. and a total sexual energy I sign off this beautiful post. Mwah. 

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

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I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

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But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.

Third World Citizens

The stark difference in treatment of human life is easily noticeable as one traverses from the West to the East. People are more accepting of insults, of lesser convenience, and of ways of life that don’t even make sense.

As I disembark the hugely courteous Emirates airlines in Dubai from US I am a satisfied customer. The airhostesses are the best in quality, the food and drinks are above standard, and the smiles..oh smiles. There are travelators even when walking makes more sense but they are there as they give a sense of service. The deep service and satisfaction that every traveler is entitled to... as I came to believe.

Apparently on the other side of the world... as I had clearly forgotten... thats not the norm. You are an Indian.. a third world citizen.. and you will take what we give you and make it work. I commend us for the innate ability that we have developed during our growing years to accept and adapt. We excel in the world we live coz of exactly this. However we leave behind a lot more we can achieve by not demanding more... by not allowing ourselves to ask for more to align with what we deserve.. by not agreeing that we deserve more.

I used to think that the source of all problems for us is population. Its difficult to sustain anything given the sheer number of people. At some point the patience runs out. But now after giving myself a 7 year break I realize its not just the population ..that adds to the problems for sure.. but thats not the problem. The system is indeed the problem. Why do we have to travel for 15 mins in a bus on disembarking the airport. Real Estate problem? Ok agreed. Why do we have to have 5 different security checks before boarding the plane? Why do we need an OTP for EVERYTHING. When majority (upwards of 60%) of the urban metro population is transient then why an address proof in the form of Aadhar card is required for everything. And if it is then why changing address on Aadhar card not an online solution or an easy solution without standing in line for 4 hours. 

Im only venting on the above. Im sure it will take me less than a month to get used to all of the above. But it was important for me to note it down as I continue to live life in the coming months and years and be able to compare the innate sense of adjustment that is built in a normal middle class Indian life.

..beyond words...

My vocabulary failed me. I have been looking for a word or words to express what I feel..what I am/have been going through for the past few weeks/months. I cannot express. Two posts in a row I talk about concoction of feelings.Surpring eh?

I have made one of the biggest decisions of my life and since then not one day have I regretted it..yet. I have been happy. I have been looking forward to this crazy new beginning. My boss thinks I am crazy. And I think somewhere somehow coz of this bold step I am being reverred. Coz I am following my heart.. my dreams.. that many fail to do. I am proud of myself. Not many were with me through this decision. But I did it regardless. And I did it for me for reasons that were important to me and no one else.

But as the day is coming closer.. I am feeling sad. I know this feeling. Its just sadness. I am sad to leave my life.. my home here. But that being said, most all relationships I built here I am burying them as I go. They werent worthy enough for me to take back home. Or I wasnt worthy enough for those relationships. However it goes. Its sad that after seven years I take nothing back. A more mature, wiser, jaded version of me now heads back. Its quite a fresh beginning in many ways.

The huge contemplation on whether I take my furniture and entire house as it stands today with me or not. People find me indecisive and exhausting sometimes when I delve so much and spend so much energy into this very small decision regarding IKEA furniture. But its the comfort of taking it all there with me vs starting completely fresh and with an unknown agenda. Still unsure.. Im leaving it all behind. Just like my relationships. 

...but not guilt..

Despair, helplessness, anger, humiliation, betrayal. But not guilt.

Not guilt: Sometimes you get the strength to stand by yourself. Sometimes someone has to have your back and sometimes its only you that you can trust and fall back on. Faith. In such tumultuous times that's what keeps people going. Thats why people believe in religions. Everyone wants answers even though they are not logical or even believable.

Helplessness: Hate is hurtful. I have hated a lot of things but never hated people. I couldnt. It was too rude to do so even for me. Everyone has their reasons and everyone is in the wrong including me so how could I hate. Is that not good enough. Why is there punishment even for good people. I guess then that that is not good enough. What am I paying for? I thought I already paid my dues. What are my beliefs?

Despair, humiliation: 32 years, you know. Thats a lot of time. Whats the status? A rolling stone gains no moss. That was supposed to be a good thing right? But does it gain anything at all? Is it supposed to? What is a life's journey supposed to gain? ...people, relationships, knowledge, legacy, making world a better place (but how)..... What gives?? I have lost all people and all relationships except the ones that came with birth. Is it over then? Am I done? Is the circle of life done with?

Anger, betrayal: Shame on those that cant see fault of their own. They have a lot of life to live and learn. Losing the person who gave you birth doesnt give you enough perspective I suppose as I had earlier assumed, wrongly so. They are prolly more disillusioned and dumb for the lack of better word and they continue to get fooled.... since being ignorant is the only choice they truly have. Good luck fellow human being. I hope you crumble and die (metaphorically so..).

Slow Fart

What will it take for me to stop meeting dumb guys??

For the longest time I have believed or rather been forced to believe by my own mother and my own self-conscience that I must have my head far up my own ass to think that all men I meet are dumb, un-witty, or rather slow. But God forgive me I have given these dumb motherfu*****s enough chances to prove their mettle but they dont stand. Oblivious of the nuances of life and the realities thereof they are so unaware.. its flabbergasting. I am not the smartest kid on the block nor am I a beauty queen. I have no right whatsoever to condemn anyone. And I know how wrong and biased this perspective of mine is. But oh my good lord.. I cannot stand this frivolousness anymore! You can only tolerate stupidity for so long. They sleep like a baby unaware of how much stink their shit has caused not allowing me to sleep. Everything doesnt become ok in the morning!! Its just morning.. its not re-birth. My brain cells havent died to get new life in them in the 'morning' you dimwit! Everything in the world is not "ok". Just coz your tiny little loser of a brain doesnt get it doesnt mean its ok. Its not!! When you dont know something dont argue. Take it for a given that I know life better than you do. Just take it for what its worth. Coz I cannot control myself when I get a chance to say "I told you so"!! And thats almost always! How wrong can you be? And how wrong can you be over and over again not listening to me about things you have no clue about! That dick of a male ego. If only it was ever right. Its not like I dont make mistakes. I do and when I do I make myself sound like a baby and say sorry a gazillion times. But if that only happens rarely dont try to match it. You say sorry for as many times as your sad brain stopped giving you company! And when you do say sorry atleast have the courtesy to self-reflect asshole. Coz I will literally shoot you to honor your slow head for allowing you to do the same thing over and over again. Dont sit in the balcony clicking pictures and posting on instagram while telling me that you were sad and regretful! Im on your instagram.. you know that right or you couldnt even fathom something that simple. And do you feel? You know emotions and shit... coz thats how one determines and solves for all these big questions around life and death, euthanasia, abortion, etc. Do you feel anything asshole?

Aaarghhh... 

done ranting. 

Reliance, Resistance, Resilience

How do you hold people accountable? Or the change that comes with time is natural and doesnt need accountability and is a good thing with a positive connotation vs the negative one that comes with not being true to your self and self-accountability.

My friend, my dear and good friend, with whom the younger, the more innocent, and the more principled 'I' shared deep views about feminism and holding our own. Her views far more stronger and deeper and well read than mine. That friend who was very clear that changing one's last name after marriage is a sign of submissiveness to a society that doesnt really allow women their true place. She never understood why some women wanted to do that, just like why some women would want to wear the burqa. I, being a big proponent of 'to each his own', didnt get so jittered by these societal rules as far as it was the women who wanted to abide by it without any outside pressure or necessity. Now whether that want came out of their upbringing and having these thoughts hammered into their head, or lack of education, or truly feeling comfortable with these norms.. it didnt matter to me.. as far as they wanted to agree to it. She didnt. She argued that they must be taught and made aware and that they shouldnt make a choice in the darkness of knowledge that existed in these women's lives. She felt strongly that if they knew, they would chose better... better being not changing their names and not wearing a burqa. Obviously the reason why I write this here is because interestingly two years after her marriage she did change her last name. Well not truly changed, but appended another identity to it. She said, she loves her husband too much and wanted to make him happy.

I was baffled. My strong sense of me started to question me. Am I the only one not changing. Is change good. Is this change good? Is she right? Is she right now? Or was she right back then? She stated simply - it would make him happy. Then why did she judge these women before? I keep up. I have always kept up with this world. Am I lagging behind though now. Or is she lost? How do I ever know. Every human being uses people, things, places, situations, etc to bring about a sense of measure in their lives. And mine just shook itself up.

Another friend - married and happy - goofed around with her ex on a business trip. She didnt talk about it, but her more chirpy, older, and 'been there done that' ex did. She was the epitome of righteousness. She hated being one. But she always was. There is a strong sense of reason here that I am not going to share in this space for why she could have done what is being claimed here. But it shakes up my sense of measure again. How do I calibrate? No. I cant be my own measure. It doesnt work that way. We are the foolish social animals and we all want that sense of comfort knowing, its ok. 

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After the break-up last year, which was by far my worst break-up, I have tried to find self. You know that quarter-life/mid-life crisis thing... That. We parted amicably, but it hurt the most. Gym/yoga/reading helped. You know the usual. I had started to find comfort in being by myself...filling that void was becoming a less of a to-do and more of a norm. But this new friend changed the perspective. It always helps when people give you reassurance. He couldnt find anything wrong. Which in itself was a little bit of a stretch but I think I needed that extreme in the interim. Towards the end of our time together, coz he had to move coasts, he said something which turned tables for me. He said meeting me changed his life.. changed him.. that I had influenced and made a dent in the regular that his life was... you know stop and smell the roses kinds. Of course, Im sure it wasnt all of me, but that knowledge...that knowledge was so strong. Even though I was logical and practical enough to not believe it, but sometimes that extreme is needed. We changed a little bit of each other for good and that is rare to find. Im glad it happened. Im also glad it was short lived.. always helps to keep the memories positive.

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Dating men is so much different from dating boys. Doh! Of course, right. Im new to this, I guess. They dont go all out. They are not all over you. You woo them as much as they woo you. It takes forever to become a part of their inner circle. You are just another date to them vs the jar of possibilities. Its refreshing though. It keeps it light and one doesnt have to lose their sense of self. Rather.. there is too much sense of self.. that Im comfortable with. The life that I have lived.. I have been important to people. I dont associate, if I dont think it will take me there. But dating these days is so not that. Its tough to judge intentions, baggage, association, and emotions. They are as complicated as a teenage girl. Man I understand now the young boys' plight in their teenage years.

Im exploring.. as always. 

How to Lose a Guy in 3 months

1. Be mean to him. More than you normally would to anyone coz he needs to see your worst side to better prepare himself for those 5% of the times when you are abnormal.

2. Cry every Friday that you are with him. Just so that those are his best Friday memories.

3. Make fun while/of sex with him.

4. Let him know multiple times that he doesnt get your complicated (read stupid) emotions.

5. Always appear to be right.

6. Make him super uncomfortable in your house and let him know that you feel pressured. 

7. Be super uncomfortable in his house and let him know that you hate his house and hate being there. 

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and I'll keep filling these as I get more an more insight into this. Readers, please let me know if you have some more interesting ideas. Im definitely going to try and test this out on this perfectly awesome guy and play Kate Hudson myself. Who knows may be in the process I will fall in love or worse still this guy would come out to be the likes of Matthew McConaughey. Fun!! 

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In another story apparently married/committed men continue to have a thing for me now. They still assume they possess me while they continue to have dreamy sexy conversations with their significant others. I appreciate their candid burst of emotions but even I believe in what is right is right and cannot do a Roy on myself. (He will be thrilled that he gets a mention on my blog). They truly need to understand that they cannot have the best of both worlds. Your ship has sailed my friend. Enjoy the journey of your life. I need to find my ship. Oh if only, I dont lose it in every 3 months following the basic principles mentioned above. :)

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I heard Shashi Tharoor speak at a debate in Oxford. Man, is he impressive. When i discussed this with a friend he condemned him saying that he doesnt know or understand anything and he is just a good orator and the credit goes to his writers. Sure, I guess. I havent researched much on Tharoor so I could have midguided opinions. But given what I know about him and his education and his opinions, although not the best, he is still pretty impressive.