Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

Just Coffee

Alright.. Alright.. I get it. I give up. I have asked 9 people for coffee at work today but to no avail. I was feeling extremely anxious and restless since morning. And like always I didnt really know the reason why and so the dire need to meet someone for a coffee talk. Since when did coffee at work become a needed thing, I dont know. But now that it has, the absence of it makes me feel extremely lonely. It is one of the strangest and funniest things that I have experienced in the recent past. It almost felt like doors were shutting on me one after the other. 9 doors!! Thats a lot for a day. Oh and not to forget the two big ones that shut on me yesterday and day before. I have had three days of lots of door shutting! Hehe.

But like they say when all doors shut, God opens a new one. I dont think God does anything really much in this regard, but certainly Im introduced to this sense of peace now that Im enough in my own company. Human mind works differently and different humans react differently. Its profoundly interesting. I have a big fat psychology book sitting on my coffee table which I havent even begun to read. Anyhow, I study myself. I react by telling myself that Im just fine. Whatever the hell that means and however untrue that might be. I have done that many a times only to realize that tomorrow will look again exactly the opposite of today.

Music and dogs always help.

Blowin' In The Wind

... the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind..

...the answer is blowin' in the wind... 

Its out there, I can feel it. Its close, but just not there yet. But its happening. It takes a lot of courage to take charge, and when you do its powerful. Seattle is certainly helping with its beautiful windy winters, autumn leaves all over the town, and a moody smell to it.


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The above is a post dated 11/28/2014 that sat in my drafts folder till now. It didnt get posted because it wasnt complete.....until now. I thought I was close, but apparently I was five months away. Its been an interesting five months, to say the least. For the first time my professional life was at stake or rather was at the receiver's end. It wasnt pretty. It never is when you are fighting for that control that you think you should have. But its a good fight to be in the middle of.. it only gets interesting. As I look back, I have never been the 'low volatility asset'. I find that boring. Although a risk averse person as is, I am quite a risky thing myself. The troughs and crests in my life are rather steep. Not everyone's cup of tea.

In the last five months, I believe I have lived a full circle of life. Birth, growth, work, man, love, sex, marriage, kids, divorce, and death. I have felt emotions I never thought I had. I have been hurt in ways, I never thought I could. I have been challenged in ways that I couldnt think I could come out as a winner. But at the same time, I couldnt care less or could I? I knew there wasnt longevity to it and hence the yearn to live it fast. So livid that makes me.. the constant struggle to define oneself as a strong or an emotional person... an independent or a dependent needy woman... a career oriented and opinionated person or a cow like homely figure. Can they all co-exist? I have been forced to think that. I didnt think they could, but then I proved myself wrong, or so I think. Im trying to keep away from those self help "woman can rule the world" feminist type of books.

That reminds me, I am now on a small group of working women from Amazon that are going to deep dive and strategize on how to make operations at Amazon more favorable to women. I feel guilty that I dont feel so strongly about it. I dont agree with changing the work environment to allow for more women to work in operations. If business has to change to accommodate women, then thats not equality!

For the first time in months, Im looking forward for the summer. It was a beautiful cozy winter, but I cant wait for the gorgeous sunny hopeful summer. How much can I pin my joys on someone else? History repeats itself. And if I have learnt anything at all in the darn 30 years of my life, I wont let it..REPEAT.

Diya aur Baati

Im tired of lifting my spirits up... there has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.. !
Where the fuck is it?

Fetish Feminism

Im surprised at the uproar Indra Nooyi's recently published article has caused. My facebook wall is full of updates from my fellow female workers. Today's feminist world has all kinds of views on that article. Why? Why do we pick apart every female oriented article. There was a similar situation when Lean In was released - a book by Sheryl Sandberg on Women, Work, and the Will to lead.

I have been in that situation when we (women who believe they are smart, independent, career focussed, pretty, a good guy worthy, etc) feel the need to defend themselves from all the traditions and atrocities barked upon women historically. But more recently after going through life, having a reasonably long career span, and being in the mid-management of a company with clear roads to be a part of the senior management in the near future, I could care less. There are barriers. There does and could exist a glass ceiling. But when you are not there experiencing it then SHUT UP. Why opine on things you can never be a part of or havent experienced. Its not politics. We have made it our job to criticize politics. Politicians are the ones meant to be in limelight. Women arent. They are just women. Why opine every time a woman speaks

But a guy friend recently pin pointed that we stereotype ourselves more than anyone else. I felt the urge to very cynically respond back to him and make a curt remark on his pointless opinion. But he was right. He is right. We, women, talk more about ourselves than any man probably has ever done.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken..

There was a reason why my blog's tagline was, "...Not all those who wander are lost.."

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

I cant wait. 

The King and the Pawn

I played Chess recently after a very loooong time. Two decades ago, I had a chess tutor come home to teach some basic moves. It used to be big in Tamil Nadu during my growing years. I dont remember much of what I learnt coz it was for a very short period of time, about 5 weeks. And then we moved out of Madurai. I was sad I couldnt complete the training, especially coz my chess teacher was a super good looking south indian dude. I wish I had continued.

I enjoyed playing chess last week. Made some dumb moves, some strategies didnt pan out the way I wanted them to. But it was good. I undermine myself and get scared away from things. A good reminder to go get it anyways. If you fail, who really cares.

There is one person I wouldnt want to play against. hmph! I think he is really smart and chess is certainly his thing. He is the chess kinda guy and hates losing.