...but not guilt..

Despair, helplessness, anger, humiliation, betrayal. But not guilt.

Not guilt: Sometimes you get the strength to stand by yourself. Sometimes someone has to have your back and sometimes its only you that you can trust and fall back on. Faith. In such tumultuous times that's what keeps people going. Thats why people believe in religions. Everyone wants answers even though they are not logical or even believable.

Helplessness: Hate is hurtful. I have hated a lot of things but never hated people. I couldnt. It was too rude to do so even for me. Everyone has their reasons and everyone is in the wrong including me so how could I hate. Is that not good enough. Why is there punishment even for good people. I guess then that that is not good enough. What am I paying for? I thought I already paid my dues. What are my beliefs?

Despair, humiliation: 32 years, you know. Thats a lot of time. Whats the status? A rolling stone gains no moss. That was supposed to be a good thing right? But does it gain anything at all? Is it supposed to? What is a life's journey supposed to gain? ...people, relationships, knowledge, legacy, making world a better place (but how)..... What gives?? I have lost all people and all relationships except the ones that came with birth. Is it over then? Am I done? Is the circle of life done with?

Anger, betrayal: Shame on those that cant see fault of their own. They have a lot of life to live and learn. Losing the person who gave you birth doesnt give you enough perspective I suppose as I had earlier assumed, wrongly so. They are prolly more disillusioned and dumb for the lack of better word and they continue to get fooled.... since being ignorant is the only choice they truly have. Good luck fellow human being. I hope you crumble and die (metaphorically so..).

Slow Fart

What will it take for me to stop meeting dumb guys??

For the longest time I have believed or rather been forced to believe by my own mother and my own self-conscience that I must have my head far up my own ass to think that all men I meet are dumb, un-witty, or rather slow. But God forgive me I have given these dumb motherfu*****s enough chances to prove their mettle but they dont stand. Oblivious of the nuances of life and the realities thereof they are so unaware.. its flabbergasting. I am not the smartest kid on the block nor am I a beauty queen. I have no right whatsoever to condemn anyone. And I know how wrong and biased this perspective of mine is. But oh my good lord.. I cannot stand this frivolousness anymore! You can only tolerate stupidity for so long. They sleep like a baby unaware of how much stink their shit has caused not allowing me to sleep. Everything doesnt become ok in the morning!! Its just morning.. its not re-birth. My brain cells havent died to get new life in them in the 'morning' you dimwit! Everything in the world is not "ok". Just coz your tiny little loser of a brain doesnt get it doesnt mean its ok. Its not!! When you dont know something dont argue. Take it for a given that I know life better than you do. Just take it for what its worth. Coz I cannot control myself when I get a chance to say "I told you so"!! And thats almost always! How wrong can you be? And how wrong can you be over and over again not listening to me about things you have no clue about! That dick of a male ego. If only it was ever right. Its not like I dont make mistakes. I do and when I do I make myself sound like a baby and say sorry a gazillion times. But if that only happens rarely dont try to match it. You say sorry for as many times as your sad brain stopped giving you company! And when you do say sorry atleast have the courtesy to self-reflect asshole. Coz I will literally shoot you to honor your slow head for allowing you to do the same thing over and over again. Dont sit in the balcony clicking pictures and posting on instagram while telling me that you were sad and regretful! Im on your instagram.. you know that right or you couldnt even fathom something that simple. And do you feel? You know emotions and shit... coz thats how one determines and solves for all these big questions around life and death, euthanasia, abortion, etc. Do you feel anything asshole?

Aaarghhh... 

done ranting.