Rise Up

I have been wanting to go off facebook for a while now. Not off like delete the profile and be dead, but limit my consumption of nail polish and make-up tutorials, DIY tutorials, and "fake news". I think to myself that when I could live through the everyone-getting-married facebook era and then the baby-producing phase with a daily new baby announcement on facebook, I have already lived through the challenging parts of the online/virtual life. Now its an easy sail. I dont comdemn it. I do appreciate the fact that I have been able to connect with very distant acquaintances that I never really spoke in real life, but have been able to develop ties in this new online living.

However I learnt about something on facebook today that related to the past disaster in my life, and I started to wonder where does one draw the line. It resulted in 10 secs of surprise followed by pity for the poor guy justifying his current existence. But that also quickly withered away and followed by my lowly meanderings and that stayed. What the hell am I doing? There is a world of knowledge and sea of inspiring people and here I am surrounding myself with people that don't intrigue me. There is no dearth of good people. I am good too. But that is the lowest bar I can set for myself. Since when did I allow myself to be so unbecoming of my own caliber. Just being occupied in conversations is not enough. A state of nothingness is far better than numbing dull conversations. No? Or can one learn something or the other from everyone and every conversation? I miss B. Never thought I would but I do. He tired me by talking sense all the time. And now I miss it. But coming back to this incidence it has just left me wondering why I entangle myself in the past so much. I left it behind coz I didnt want it. Then I should not have it. I am not differentiating myself from him by doing this. I am being like him and I dont like him.

Rise Up !

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

yeh shaam..zindagi ki

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aa jao..
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aaja na...
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai 

Tumhare baad hamara haal aisa hai,
Ke jaise saaz ke sab taar toot jaate hain
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui 

Tum toh gaye par yaad na gayi,
Zubaan se meri fariyaad na gayi
Guzri na aisi koi saans,
Jismein tumahara naam na ho,
Tab tak karunga yaad main,
Jab tak umr tamaam na ho,
Tumhare haath se mera haath yoon chhuta,
ke jaise bheed mein kuch haath chhoot jaate hai
ke is samay toh, parinde bhi.. laut aate hai

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui,
Ab toh wapas aa jao...

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kisko khojti hun main..kya chahti hun main..kiska mujhe intezaar hai.. kyun darti hun main.
is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain.. 

The wait seems to be theoretical self-made concept rather than a reality. My deepest emotions are that of fear and hurt rather than of being loved. I wonder do people know love today? Or do they do love? The greatest poets and philosophers talk of pain and yearning with such eloquence that one cant help but fantasize such hurt. Are emotions a good thing or bad? Is it fair to expect and hope for some understanding or even with that we complicate it too much to align with our fantasies like I mentioned earlier allowing no one and nothing to understand. 

...is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain... 

Transparent

The smell of the unwashed hair, of that raindrop that has fallen on your arm... the touch of the inner thigh, of that of a man's chest.. the taste of a flower petal, of that of beer on his lips... the look of a castle in the middle of a meadow, of that of little puppies playing together... the sound of rain falling and that of Edith Piaf singing La Vie En Rose... these are senses that are so subtle yet so strong taking you with them to this whimsical world, only you know and enjoy.

The simplicity and truthfulness with which Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor have conveyed the little sensations to the audience.. making it a journey of their own. I cant help but feel this innate yearning to be free.. of that tattoo that I always wanted. The freedom that I always found so endearing and something that I have always been thankful for. Where in this commotion of growing up did I lose it. I feel it. I sense it. It smells and feels so orgasmic. How did I ever miss it. How did I not let it caress my body with a feather like touch. Aah. But complicated.. oh so much so of rumination. Like that corner chair and a cigar (in the little room of a hotel in SanJuan :))... that was Freedom.

with a silly smirk.. and a total sexual energy I sign off this beautiful post. Mwah. 

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

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I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

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But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.