A re-do

I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion. 

It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings. 

As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way. 

I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!

Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

From the ashes a fire shall be woken..

There was a reason why my blog's tagline was, "...Not all those who wander are lost.."

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

I cant wait. 

The Odyssey

Almost 30. As I look back nothing substantial has happened, but then again oh my oh my .. so much has happened. I have learnt to wipe my ass, ride a cycle, have sex, and lie. Those early years and the memories attached with it are pivotal to my life's journey or should I say my epic voyage or the odyssey. 

A Pageant of Poems: I hope Mom hasnt thrown this X standard ICSE book away from my big black trunk of memorabilia. Little at that time did I value what the ICSE course was training me to be, teaching me through these verses. I studied the Merchant of Venice for two years. I wish I had given it a little bit more importance and felt it a layer deeper than I did. Nevertheless, there was this one poem out of the many that I distinctively remember and recollect even when I disliked poems and learnt them coz I had to. It was Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Even at that age this poem moved me and made me think. I related to this Ulysses guy. I liked how strong the story telling was and enjoyed how many scribblings I had on the white space around the two page long poem. Each word in the poem had a history, a story to tell. This was the only poem and poet that I remember to date. Its strange.

Its strange. I dont know why I think of it today. Like I had mentioned earlier life has come a full circle. There is meaning to everything, there is a purpose to all. How a book about the Indian subcontinent led to this discovery. So apt and so precise.. this poem. Its strange, but it makes sense now.


It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees:  All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea:  I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honor'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life.  Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains:  But every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bounds of human thought.
 
This is my son, mine own Telemachos,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle-
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone.  He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port, the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas.  My mariners,
Souls that have tol'd and wrought, and thought with me-
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads - you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all:  but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes:  the slow moon climbs:  the deep
Moans round with many voices.  Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be that we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved heaven and earth; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.


To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Musings

I thought I should wait an exact year before I wrote my next post, but then I thought it will be very tacky and really no one cares about it.

I have been thinking of moving back to India. But many people are talking me out of it. They say Im forgetting the “little things” that will berate my move to India. And who knows better than me about the “little things” in life. Its true. But I do miss India. I miss the smell. I also recently learnt through an article that it’s the smell that drives sex. If you like the smell of your partner its only then that things get real and raunchy. I don’t believe I just used that word – raunchy! So far I haven’t had a lot of luck with the smells I like in terms of the guys I meet or the places I live in.

I loved my little rooms that I lived in either it be my college hostel or the PG accommodation in Bangalore. They all had a flair. A little something of their own. They weren’t grand but they were real. That huge window in one overseeing the yellow flowers and the grey construction and the small window in the other allowing the rain to freely enter into my room along with its refreshing smell and breeze overseeing the terrace and the NGV park where boys waiting to become men played soccer in the mud.

I like my place now too. Its big with floor to ceiling windows, a great view et al. But it just lacks the smell of the fresh flowers or the fresh air. But well, it oversees the room windows and the pool of the hotel next door and trust me I have seen some people that really like each other’s smell in there.

I have a friend. He is moving back to India. Lucky bastard. He is scared. But I know he will do just fine.

I think I am becoming a workaholic. Yikes!!! Eeeu. A workaholic! Even when I don’t really have to work, I find work to do and tell myself that I need to in order to do justice to my job. But that’s not true. Im fooling myself. I know well enough how to get out of a task I don’t really want to do. No one can make me do stuff except for me, myself!.

I think Im going to read and write more. Afterall I have gotten myself reading glasses. Need to put them to some good use. No, I really cant see. The ultimate year and the penultimate truth.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

Years after I still remember Valentine's day as the day I wore the pink saree :)

Nevertheless, here is wishing a good day to everyone in Love.

On the Other side

How difficult is it for us to live life and be thankful. Why do we fail to acknowledge what we have today. Why do we take it for granted. Our health, the people we love, our life, our work and what not. It doesnt take too long for it to go away and before you realize, its too late.

Snapshots of.... the crepes at Eiffel Tower, the pink flowers in Brugges, the bouquet of roses in the INC room, the guitar playing, the glass of champagne dropping, the socks all over the room, Kenny G on a tattered black player, the blue jacket that was smelt, the music that I never used to listen to, the eyes with the look of pride and sometimes embarassment, Bryan Adams (oh No) and the Manorama stories, the sloppy kiss, bhutta and Vasanthi, the Oh Man jokes and tulips, the green eyes that always stared, the wrong size pink pencil and that smile, pillu and billu, and what not...keep coming back to me. Life is full of these smaller instances and these smaller stories to tell. Its these pieces put together that defines life... Life is not the bigger picture! Then why do we fail to live these moments.. Why do we take these for granted..

It doesnt take too long before life is whisked away from you and then you will regret everything you didnt do and everything you didnt say. Dont have that regret. You didnt live well, and that feeling wont let you die well.

Express and Live.

Love always.

Seventeen

And I want to be seventeen again. The innocence with which I loved, the affection with which I fought and the simplicity with which I explained. Was it me or was it him. He made me a better person. I learnt his language and understood his gestures. He either smelt or felt my presence. He was easy that way. But he was a bad teacher. He taught, but didnt teach all. He didnt teach me to adapt. He didnt tell me that world becomes as you grow and you become as the world grows. Im lost. I dont smell him but I feel him.. all around. My friend, my teacher, my guru, my lover, my all... Me.

And now after that drunken dream, I only smile and drop just .. just about one tear.

Love,
Me.

Pune Talkies

Was scheduled on 7th June but due to lack of time could not post it. So here it is! A tribute much due to the city that is so close to my heart!

I wrote to a friend of mine, "Pune was just superb. It was a little bit different for me this time. I felt different. Lots of good feelings which is always nice but I felt all grown up and mature in a city which has helped me grow. Seeing my best friends all settled and in some satisfying relationships was overwhelming for me. I wish them all the luck.

The city helps me fall in love with myself.

Also, I met R."

This is the gist of my visit to Pune this year. Unlike my other visits I had time to myself this time. The city talked to me. It was like the old tattered 70 mm reel playing in front of me. So beautiful it was.

I also got the opportunity to show the city to a dear friend of mine through my eyes. Although I must have missed the generic good parts of Pune but I did show him places and things that were closest to me, that made ME. And he was the best friend that he could be to appreciate everything and understand the meaning behind each. Thanks! I love you for sharing my happiness and my nostalgia. It can get quite boring at times, I know.

Love was in the air. There were married couples, there were couples trying to get married, there were couples trying to understand if they want to get married, and there were few other singles trying to find love...just like me. It was an exhilarating experience. But it all made me so happy. There was this light chillness in the air and everything was so positive and easy. And I smiled. :)

He had changed but he was still the same. I was right! Its such an amazing feeling when you speak for the other person coz you think you know and then you realize that you are indeed right. Its a feeling of accomplishment. You avoid sounding foolish to yourself. He always took care of that..I never felt foolish with him around. :) My onion peel theory. His core was just the way I had left it. Rather, I could still see the carvings that I had made.

On another note, I realized how easy it is for people to fall in love with me. Although the most complicated and coiled up person, I bring to people what they are looking for, I guess. It was fulfilling. I am never this modest. But the feeling was so strong that I am not ashamed to bring it out. I didnt know what to do. People were falling in love with me left, right, and center. I wasnt sure if I was. Although I wished I did. Their eyes spoke to me. I saw it. I wanted to fly with them, I wanted to become weightless and soar high into the air. Just half a day, just a few hours, just one drink... time was plenty.


Phew! Quarter life crisis as they say. I want to break free! Did I really just write this post??

Little joys

I sat in the back seat of the ancient Maruti Zen. There were no tinted glass and the a/c barely managed to keep pace with the crazy Delhi heat. But there in the front were my parents of 27 years bickering and fighting about paying toll tax on the Gurgaon highway.

It was amazing how well we knew each other. How well we all could not only interpret each other's actions but also predict them. You can run but you cannot hide.

It was just like old times. My parents and I and our small family. We have been through so much in these past years and bonds have strengthened or threads have broken, but at the end we are still treading the path each day as it comes and living each moment as it delivers.

Arent these the small joys in life?? As I sat there in the back seat now all grown up and pretty, I felt complete after a long time. What else did I want? Why did I ever want anything else? This is it! Here they are!

When life gives you lemons..

Nothing can beat the view of the unaesthetic red and yellow colored buildings with dark clouds in the sky and a smell of rain in the air... Well my PICT hostel room, might actually. But thats besides the point. No New York, No Chicago, No SFO, No Paris, No Amsterdam, or any other god damn city in the world stand a competition to how beautiful my country is. Its been ages that I have heard the birds chirping!! How well behaved are the fucking birds in US that they never make a freaking noise!! The clouds thundering and the birds chirping and its 6:01 in the morning. Yes, quite possible that 6:01 am might be quite beautiful there as well (since I have not seen it more than a couple of times), but Im very sure nothing can beat this..

I miss my days in India. Its amazing how your childhood becomes the most memorable part of your lives even though you remember only tids and bits of it. I guess thats why... only good memories make way. A child's mind does that :) Its simple and easy.

I miss the vada pavs a lot. I miss Sai's egg biryani which he and I always shared and the coffee!! It was 16 freaking bucks. I miss him. I always will. If its not the childhood memories that my mind is filled with, its his!! I try and never have regrets in my life and you know what I dont. I have lived some most lovely years of my life in the last 8 years. They couldnt be more fulfilling. There is no one more endearing that I have met in my life. Wish him all the love and luck in his life.

When life gives you lemons, throw them away. I dont like lemonade. Sorry!

To be or not to be

And I thought that they didnt give up on me. But in hindsight I realize they were just too much of a coward to stand up and speak. And it continued... it continued in vain. Only to repeat itself all over again.

On the contrary, I question myself - Is it wrong to have a voice? Or how much voice is good voice?

:)

To answer my friend A, sometimes even 7 years arent enough to know someone and sometimes you need just a few months or may be just weeks. Its the ability and the intention to know someone. There is no knowing someone without hard work. One needs to intentionally explore.

For courageous times and bigger voice.

That's Why

The little things you do for me
And nobody else make me feel good
The little things you do for me
Making me smile when no one else could
That's why, I like to sit next to you
And hear your mad stories
I know they're not true
And I like that we share a secret or two, together...The little things you do for me.

HT: A

Current Status - Skipping a beat

Lonely

Happy Diwali :)

I love this festival. It is so ingrained in me and my traditions spark up on this day. My childhood memories are so vivid in my mind, that everytime I am alone on this day, I cannot control my tears. It used to be beautiful.. Just serene, calm, and beautiful.

And today, like never before, I am so very lonely. Not just physically but even virtually. Yes, in today's world virtual friendship and love counts!!! It hurts to sit back home all by oneself writing this blog when one should be dressed up in bright sarees, lighting diyas, doing pooja, and bursting crackers.

The indifference hurts, hurts like never before. But I am determined to tread this path myself. I have done it once before, shouldnt be that difficult all over again.

Current Status - Keeping faith alive.

Ohhh... One Fine Day..

I have never in my search of songs found something so apt..

One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl...



One fine day
You'll look at me
And you will know our love was
Meant to be
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
The arms I long for
Will open wide
And you'll be proud to have me
By your side
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
Though I know you're the
Kind of boy
Who only wants to run around
I'll keep waiting and
Someday darling
You'll come to me when you want to settle down oh
One fine day
We'll meet once more
And then you'll want the love you
Threw away before
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl
One fine day
We'll meet once more
And then you'll want the love you
Threw away before
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl.....

Current Status - So happy to have found this song.. :)

Wings

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

I'm like a bird, I only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

That lasts Forever...

Living away from your home country gives you a different perspective on things and situations you never thought were even a part of your existence. Things that you used to laugh off as they were so umimportant or made jokes about as they were so lame. Now for example take these:

Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Hero Honda Splendor 80km/Litre.

2 Cockroach ICU mein ek dusre ke bagal waale bed mein admit the.
Pehla Cockroach: "Kya dost Baygon se?
Dusra Cockroach: "Nahin re Paragon se."

Now, dont throw paper balls at me. I truly understand the frustration you might have reading these. Even the lamest of the people dont find this funny enough to chuckle at. And I didnt either till about a couple of months back. I dont know what has taken over me. I was in despair and felt grossly sad that the next generation might never know what a legacy Paragon was and how their advertisements were the worst ones ever made. They would never understand what pride those tight pant romeos with rumal around their neck had when they zoomed past by a seedhi saadhi Indian ladki on their Hero Honda Splendor. There are these small things in life that have made me the Indian that I am. I have fallen in love with these things unknowingly and I am fond of them. There lies a beauty in these imperfections.

If I plan to live in US and raise my kids here, how will they ever know the likes of Shammi Kapoor, Dev Anand, and Rajesh Khanna? And worse still they will never be able to mimic any of these lengends in the Uncle-Aunty gatherings. (Oh God.. How much I hated when I had to dance in front of an un-interested audience). Recently I was listening to "Isharon Isharon mein dil lene waale - Kashmir ki Kali" and I couldnt fall in love with Sharmila Tagore once again.

These are all memories from my childhood and my kids will surely will have their own memories, but where will all this go? Who will carry the name of Paragon ahead? I am just getting paranoid. I guess I am growing old. I do see some wrinkles next to my eyes!! Anyway, so this has been my concern for a while. The question is which is better? - The traditional upbringing with my kids fighting the scarcity of water & electricity, crazy bus travels, and love for people - tooo many people. Or the higher quality of life in US with clean air and clean water, higher quality of education but still dumb people around, and lots of beer? Very difficult choice indeed!!

I am too proud of an Indian. I always respected the culture in India but now I appreciate it too. Its bold, vibrant, rich, and deep-rooted.

Current Status - In love with my coutry and my upbringing.

Tunnel

I dreamt of him.
I never dream! I generally dont dream!
And now that I did, it was him. It was a happy dream though. We hugged. :) And it was a goood hug.
Its unbelievable though.

Does he ever dream of me?

QSQT

How can one not know about this movie. I love all the songs of this movie. I think I am going to spam my blog today with the 90's songs. This is actually 1988. So a little older, but I love it. It has a very free, rustic feel to it. Smells freedom. Two young lovers living it on their own and living happy. I get goosebumps everytime I listen to this song.

The unmatched 90's

No one can ever have anything more over-the-top than the 90's. Even the 60's and 70's were better than the 90's. The puffed sleeves, the pointed blouses, the thin glossy lips, the sparse bangs, colored smoke on the movie sets, heroes with long hair (and a horse!!), and so much more drama... its unbeatable!

Off late I have been listening to some of the bollywood 90's music and its outstanding! uncomparable! Just takes me back to those times that were mine. These are my memories and when I grow up, I am going to be talking to my kids about exactly these songs. HAHAHA. You have to listen to these, to understand what I am saying. And people from my generation who grew up in India will undoubtedly relate to these else their upbringing is a shame!

Typical #1


Typical #2
(All Ashiqui songs qualify for this list. I am having a very hard time choosing which ones should go on my blog)




Especial mention to the lyrics - "Zeher zindagi ka pee lenge hum"

And then there are some that even though they are typical, they are just timeless marvels and I cannot mock them.

#1


#2


Current Status - Nostalgic and loving the 90's