Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

yeh shaam..zindagi ki

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aa jao..
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aaja na...
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai 

Tumhare baad hamara haal aisa hai,
Ke jaise saaz ke sab taar toot jaate hain
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui 

Tum toh gaye par yaad na gayi,
Zubaan se meri fariyaad na gayi
Guzri na aisi koi saans,
Jismein tumahara naam na ho,
Tab tak karunga yaad main,
Jab tak umr tamaam na ho,
Tumhare haath se mera haath yoon chhuta,
ke jaise bheed mein kuch haath chhoot jaate hai
ke is samay toh, parinde bhi.. laut aate hai

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui,
Ab toh wapas aa jao...

----------------------------------------------------------

kisko khojti hun main..kya chahti hun main..kiska mujhe intezaar hai.. kyun darti hun main.
is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain.. 

The wait seems to be theoretical self-made concept rather than a reality. My deepest emotions are that of fear and hurt rather than of being loved. I wonder do people know love today? Or do they do love? The greatest poets and philosophers talk of pain and yearning with such eloquence that one cant help but fantasize such hurt. Are emotions a good thing or bad? Is it fair to expect and hope for some understanding or even with that we complicate it too much to align with our fantasies like I mentioned earlier allowing no one and nothing to understand. 

...is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain... 

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

****************************

I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

****************************

But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.

How to Lose a Guy in 3 months

1. Be mean to him. More than you normally would to anyone coz he needs to see your worst side to better prepare himself for those 5% of the times when you are abnormal.

2. Cry every Friday that you are with him. Just so that those are his best Friday memories.

3. Make fun while/of sex with him.

4. Let him know multiple times that he doesnt get your complicated (read stupid) emotions.

5. Always appear to be right.

6. Make him super uncomfortable in your house and let him know that you feel pressured. 

7. Be super uncomfortable in his house and let him know that you hate his house and hate being there. 

.

.

.

.

.

and I'll keep filling these as I get more an more insight into this. Readers, please let me know if you have some more interesting ideas. Im definitely going to try and test this out on this perfectly awesome guy and play Kate Hudson myself. Who knows may be in the process I will fall in love or worse still this guy would come out to be the likes of Matthew McConaughey. Fun!! 

**********************************

In another story apparently married/committed men continue to have a thing for me now. They still assume they possess me while they continue to have dreamy sexy conversations with their significant others. I appreciate their candid burst of emotions but even I believe in what is right is right and cannot do a Roy on myself. (He will be thrilled that he gets a mention on my blog). They truly need to understand that they cannot have the best of both worlds. Your ship has sailed my friend. Enjoy the journey of your life. I need to find my ship. Oh if only, I dont lose it in every 3 months following the basic principles mentioned above. :)

**********************************

I heard Shashi Tharoor speak at a debate in Oxford. Man, is he impressive. When i discussed this with a friend he condemned him saying that he doesnt know or understand anything and he is just a good orator and the credit goes to his writers. Sure, I guess. I havent researched much on Tharoor so I could have midguided opinions. But given what I know about him and his education and his opinions, although not the best, he is still pretty impressive. 

Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

Years after I still remember Valentine's day as the day I wore the pink saree :)

Nevertheless, here is wishing a good day to everyone in Love.

Seventeen

And I want to be seventeen again. The innocence with which I loved, the affection with which I fought and the simplicity with which I explained. Was it me or was it him. He made me a better person. I learnt his language and understood his gestures. He either smelt or felt my presence. He was easy that way. But he was a bad teacher. He taught, but didnt teach all. He didnt teach me to adapt. He didnt tell me that world becomes as you grow and you become as the world grows. Im lost. I dont smell him but I feel him.. all around. My friend, my teacher, my guru, my lover, my all... Me.

And now after that drunken dream, I only smile and drop just .. just about one tear.

Love,
Me.

Post Mortem

And I just realized something. And why.. now? Well, there is no directing the mind. It takes a stroll when it wants to.

It wasnt the person...but it was the acknowledgement!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT... Thats all. Thats the answer.

My today's facebook status:-
"When time is never ready to wait for us, then Why should we always wait for the right time??" No time is wrong to do the right thing...

Pune Talkies

Was scheduled on 7th June but due to lack of time could not post it. So here it is! A tribute much due to the city that is so close to my heart!

I wrote to a friend of mine, "Pune was just superb. It was a little bit different for me this time. I felt different. Lots of good feelings which is always nice but I felt all grown up and mature in a city which has helped me grow. Seeing my best friends all settled and in some satisfying relationships was overwhelming for me. I wish them all the luck.

The city helps me fall in love with myself.

Also, I met R."

This is the gist of my visit to Pune this year. Unlike my other visits I had time to myself this time. The city talked to me. It was like the old tattered 70 mm reel playing in front of me. So beautiful it was.

I also got the opportunity to show the city to a dear friend of mine through my eyes. Although I must have missed the generic good parts of Pune but I did show him places and things that were closest to me, that made ME. And he was the best friend that he could be to appreciate everything and understand the meaning behind each. Thanks! I love you for sharing my happiness and my nostalgia. It can get quite boring at times, I know.

Love was in the air. There were married couples, there were couples trying to get married, there were couples trying to understand if they want to get married, and there were few other singles trying to find love...just like me. It was an exhilarating experience. But it all made me so happy. There was this light chillness in the air and everything was so positive and easy. And I smiled. :)

He had changed but he was still the same. I was right! Its such an amazing feeling when you speak for the other person coz you think you know and then you realize that you are indeed right. Its a feeling of accomplishment. You avoid sounding foolish to yourself. He always took care of that..I never felt foolish with him around. :) My onion peel theory. His core was just the way I had left it. Rather, I could still see the carvings that I had made.

On another note, I realized how easy it is for people to fall in love with me. Although the most complicated and coiled up person, I bring to people what they are looking for, I guess. It was fulfilling. I am never this modest. But the feeling was so strong that I am not ashamed to bring it out. I didnt know what to do. People were falling in love with me left, right, and center. I wasnt sure if I was. Although I wished I did. Their eyes spoke to me. I saw it. I wanted to fly with them, I wanted to become weightless and soar high into the air. Just half a day, just a few hours, just one drink... time was plenty.


Phew! Quarter life crisis as they say. I want to break free! Did I really just write this post??

The Light's plight

With every passing hour life changes. I feel each moment gushing past me and I still cannot do much.. I still let it go.. I fail to squeeze what it has to offer. And so today I have stopped trying. I am not competing with it anymore. I am not trying to make it perfect! Coz there is no perfect. If the moment is yours it will touch you with warmth and caress you and make you live in it for a century else it will run away making way for the next moment.

Its not settled yet. I doubt if it ever will be settled. "Yes" and "No" are my strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt come easily to everyone. I will always be scared.. always unsettled. Future was never so apprehensive as it is now. Should I be excited or nervous?

I cant take those memories away and I know I cannot make better ones now. How will this survive? I have so much to say. Who do I say it to? I cant preach anymore, I cant bitch anymore, I cant be sad anymore, I cant cry anymore.... cmon, I cant be a doll anymore!! Bottling up is not my characteristic. Id rather speak as it comes. But who do I say it to?

There is need but no interest. Which is bigger and mightier? A poll.

Its read, but never spoken about. Why?

It is going to be ordinary and very standard. Lets face it. And even that is a struggle.

L'chaim!!!

When life gives you lemons..

Nothing can beat the view of the unaesthetic red and yellow colored buildings with dark clouds in the sky and a smell of rain in the air... Well my PICT hostel room, might actually. But thats besides the point. No New York, No Chicago, No SFO, No Paris, No Amsterdam, or any other god damn city in the world stand a competition to how beautiful my country is. Its been ages that I have heard the birds chirping!! How well behaved are the fucking birds in US that they never make a freaking noise!! The clouds thundering and the birds chirping and its 6:01 in the morning. Yes, quite possible that 6:01 am might be quite beautiful there as well (since I have not seen it more than a couple of times), but Im very sure nothing can beat this..

I miss my days in India. Its amazing how your childhood becomes the most memorable part of your lives even though you remember only tids and bits of it. I guess thats why... only good memories make way. A child's mind does that :) Its simple and easy.

I miss the vada pavs a lot. I miss Sai's egg biryani which he and I always shared and the coffee!! It was 16 freaking bucks. I miss him. I always will. If its not the childhood memories that my mind is filled with, its his!! I try and never have regrets in my life and you know what I dont. I have lived some most lovely years of my life in the last 8 years. They couldnt be more fulfilling. There is no one more endearing that I have met in my life. Wish him all the love and luck in his life.

When life gives you lemons, throw them away. I dont like lemonade. Sorry!

A Tale of Two Cities

When you are two timed, what do you do?

Satyug ki naari - Will weep in her sorrow and will try everything in her power to bring her loved one back to her.

Kalyug ki naari - Will two time him.

Life is simpler :)

Seasons

Fall came with betrayal and true to itself as a sign of change

Winter brought with it some cold revelations

Spring bloomed with new flowers and a new love story yet to begin; some hope, some direction

Summer should be warm, earthy, and happy

It all seems to be falling in line. My ducks are getting in a row :)

Signs

So, P has it all figured out. She is my age and married for about a year to a guy who had been a friend of hers for the last 10 years. Its intense, the conversations we have. I cannot be her bff (I hate using this term). There are characteristics of hers that I dont appreciate a lot. But then there is this tangent that joins us together.. kinda like the tangent that passes through between the two circles. Our lives, our beliefs, our thoughts, and our opinions are so alike. She seems to be like my mirror image in a few of those aspects. But certainly like I mentioned before she definitely is more sorted out or rather appears to be. She says marriage did that to her. I dont believe her.

Things converge. Six degrees of separation for people? I say, for everything; for every emotion, for every situation, for every moment in time (how the hell will that work now?). Coming back to the point, everything seems to be getting pulled towards this central source of attraction and its not just gravity pulling towards the center of the earth. Its something else. Everything is so interrelated and connected. And I forget but we must value that. That is exactly how it was meant to be. This is how it was designed. I should not put my foot in my mouth and try and segregate these needs and these things/situations/moments etc. The overtly organized person that I am with an almost obsessive compulsive disorder existing, I should still let it pave it own way and with its own time.

I believe that everything in this world happens for a reason. Its important to not dig deep into this pit looking for reasons and answers but rather allow it its due course of time and let it explain itself to you as to why it happened. Oh! such wisdom!

Current Status - Better luck next time

Real love does exist..

Dooriyan..

Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori...
Zyada nasdeekyon mein dooriyon ke hote hain ishaare..
Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori, bhi hai zaroori
Zaroori hai yeh dooriyan



Space - either in terms of time or distance - is an important solver of problems. One must never underestimate its power. Mathematically feelings are a function of distance and time, all other smaller misc things held constat.

F = f(d, t)

Different relationships, be it with your loved ones, friends, family, your dog, your laptop, your stuff toy, or your car, they all are functions of distance and time. The intensity of your emotions is what is represented by F.

Aaah... Me.. A sucker for Maths..

Myth - Distance only weakens the emotions/feelings and thereby relationships
Fact - It depends.

Distance only helps one surface his/her actual hidden layer of emotions removing the blindfold that society or the respective situation has put on him. And the result could be anything.

Happy Thoughts

..And with one phone call, the once happy thoughts and happy living..umm rather forgotten thoughts and ignorant living get completely squashed. Wise men once said, ignorance is bliss and it truly is. Truth is a powerful weapon and one must know when to get exposed to it. If you dont have the courage to muster up to its power, then be the submissive one and step back.

Current Status - Lesson learnt. I should listen to Ma. (Muaah.. Love her)