Sunday, January 22, 2017

Transparent


The smell of the unwashed hair, of that raindrop that has fallen on your arm... the touch of the inner thigh, of that of a man's chest.. the taste of a flower petal, of that of beer on his lips... the look of a castle in the middle of a meadow, of that of little puppies playing together... the sound of rain falling and that of Edith Piaf singing La Vie En Rose... these are senses that are so subtle yet so strong taking you with them to this whimsical world, only you know and enjoy.

The simplicity and truthfulness with which Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor have conveyed the little sensations to the audience.. making it a journey of their own. I cant help but feel this innate yearning to be free.. of that tattoo that I always wanted. The freedom that I always found so endearing and something that I have always been thankful for. Where in this commotion of growing up did I lose it. I feel it. I sense it. It smells and feels so orgasmic. How did I ever miss it. How did I not let it caress my body with a feather like touch. Aah. But complicated.. oh so much so of rumination. Like that corner chair and a cigar (in the little room of a hotel in SanJuan :))... that was Freedom.

with a silly smirk.. and a total sexual energy I sign off this beautiful post. Mwah. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

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I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

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But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.