Just Coffee

Alright.. Alright.. I get it. I give up. I have asked 9 people for coffee at work today but to no avail. I was feeling extremely anxious and restless since morning. And like always I didnt really know the reason why and so the dire need to meet someone for a coffee talk. Since when did coffee at work become a needed thing, I dont know. But now that it has, the absence of it makes me feel extremely lonely. It is one of the strangest and funniest things that I have experienced in the recent past. It almost felt like doors were shutting on me one after the other. 9 doors!! Thats a lot for a day. Oh and not to forget the two big ones that shut on me yesterday and day before. I have had three days of lots of door shutting! Hehe.

But like they say when all doors shut, God opens a new one. I dont think God does anything really much in this regard, but certainly Im introduced to this sense of peace now that Im enough in my own company. Human mind works differently and different humans react differently. Its profoundly interesting. I have a big fat psychology book sitting on my coffee table which I havent even begun to read. Anyhow, I study myself. I react by telling myself that Im just fine. Whatever the hell that means and however untrue that might be. I have done that many a times only to realize that tomorrow will look again exactly the opposite of today.

Music and dogs always help.

Blowin' In The Wind

... the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind..

...the answer is blowin' in the wind... 

Its out there, I can feel it. Its close, but just not there yet. But its happening. It takes a lot of courage to take charge, and when you do its powerful. Seattle is certainly helping with its beautiful windy winters, autumn leaves all over the town, and a moody smell to it.


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The above is a post dated 11/28/2014 that sat in my drafts folder till now. It didnt get posted because it wasnt complete.....until now. I thought I was close, but apparently I was five months away. Its been an interesting five months, to say the least. For the first time my professional life was at stake or rather was at the receiver's end. It wasnt pretty. It never is when you are fighting for that control that you think you should have. But its a good fight to be in the middle of.. it only gets interesting. As I look back, I have never been the 'low volatility asset'. I find that boring. Although a risk averse person as is, I am quite a risky thing myself. The troughs and crests in my life are rather steep. Not everyone's cup of tea.

In the last five months, I believe I have lived a full circle of life. Birth, growth, work, man, love, sex, marriage, kids, divorce, and death. I have felt emotions I never thought I had. I have been hurt in ways, I never thought I could. I have been challenged in ways that I couldnt think I could come out as a winner. But at the same time, I couldnt care less or could I? I knew there wasnt longevity to it and hence the yearn to live it fast. So livid that makes me.. the constant struggle to define oneself as a strong or an emotional person... an independent or a dependent needy woman... a career oriented and opinionated person or a cow like homely figure. Can they all co-exist? I have been forced to think that. I didnt think they could, but then I proved myself wrong, or so I think. Im trying to keep away from those self help "woman can rule the world" feminist type of books.

That reminds me, I am now on a small group of working women from Amazon that are going to deep dive and strategize on how to make operations at Amazon more favorable to women. I feel guilty that I dont feel so strongly about it. I dont agree with changing the work environment to allow for more women to work in operations. If business has to change to accommodate women, then thats not equality!

For the first time in months, Im looking forward for the summer. It was a beautiful cozy winter, but I cant wait for the gorgeous sunny hopeful summer. How much can I pin my joys on someone else? History repeats itself. And if I have learnt anything at all in the darn 30 years of my life, I wont let it..REPEAT.