Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

...but not guilt..

Despair, helplessness, anger, humiliation, betrayal. But not guilt.

Not guilt: Sometimes you get the strength to stand by yourself. Sometimes someone has to have your back and sometimes its only you that you can trust and fall back on. Faith. In such tumultuous times that's what keeps people going. Thats why people believe in religions. Everyone wants answers even though they are not logical or even believable.

Helplessness: Hate is hurtful. I have hated a lot of things but never hated people. I couldnt. It was too rude to do so even for me. Everyone has their reasons and everyone is in the wrong including me so how could I hate. Is that not good enough. Why is there punishment even for good people. I guess then that that is not good enough. What am I paying for? I thought I already paid my dues. What are my beliefs?

Despair, humiliation: 32 years, you know. Thats a lot of time. Whats the status? A rolling stone gains no moss. That was supposed to be a good thing right? But does it gain anything at all? Is it supposed to? What is a life's journey supposed to gain? ...people, relationships, knowledge, legacy, making world a better place (but how)..... What gives?? I have lost all people and all relationships except the ones that came with birth. Is it over then? Am I done? Is the circle of life done with?

Anger, betrayal: Shame on those that cant see fault of their own. They have a lot of life to live and learn. Losing the person who gave you birth doesnt give you enough perspective I suppose as I had earlier assumed, wrongly so. They are prolly more disillusioned and dumb for the lack of better word and they continue to get fooled.... since being ignorant is the only choice they truly have. Good luck fellow human being. I hope you crumble and die (metaphorically so..).

Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

The Other Side

So recently two of my ex-bfs got married, one of my ex-bfs ex-gf got married and of course twenty other friends of mine tied the knot too. Its almost a cool guess game when you open facebook every morning you challenge yourself to "how many would have gotten married today" question. A recent conversation with a friend related it to the falling pins in the bowling aisle. Its true though.. ! and its scary at times.. ! Its a lot of change around to digest. The whole generation is suddenly getting married. And there will come a time when the whole generation will be popping kids. And there will be kids everywhere. There will be one popping every min.

Its also a lot of pressure. The pressure of being single in a generation that is pushing things forward. Im glad I am not the last one in this race and have friends to stand by with.

Its strange to see your ex get hooked. Its not feeling sad at all, its actually happiness for them. But you know exactly what they were looking for, what issues we faced and apparently that new girl fitted the bill correctly. Its beautiful though, really is to see them all happy and smiling in their wedding pics.

There is love in the air. :)

There is love in the air man. :)

I really appreciate those men who take the plunge and are ready to commit. Its not a man's thing to do. Most females are mentally prepared but most men are not. But when I see my good looking male friends suited up in their marriage surrounded by hoards of relatives and standing next to the plump love of their life, I really can only appreciate them. That man knows what it takes. So proud of them.

Better lives to them. Love them.

My today's facebook status:-
"When time is never ready to wait for us, then Why should we always wait for the right time??" No time is wrong to do the right thing...

I hate you (like I love you)

Another one of my best friends is getting married. People I was so close to, people I worked with, people I shared my innermost feelings with, people who are my friends and who love me, people whose lives were just like mine... they are all getting married. It feels weird.

She sounded just normal as if nothing extraordinary had happened. This was ought to happen, she says. They were in love. They wanted to get married. It wasnt thought or talked about. It just was the next step. They were in love. :)

She called me yesterday and said, "my wedding date is fixed. Its 17th Feb."

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She called again and they talked. ..... .... and the cycle continues. The never ending, vicious, heart breaking, tiring cycle still continues. Powered by determination, or lack of self esteem, or worse still, the need to regain her self esteem, she continues to disrupt my life. And he watches like a silent observer. He says he is a helper. God sent! Son of God to help the needy and the poor and the desperates!!! Respect!!

God helps those who help themselves.
And, One who cannot help himself cannot help anyone!

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Two such contrasting emotions in a single day, but all so true.

C'est la vie !!!

The Light's plight

With every passing hour life changes. I feel each moment gushing past me and I still cannot do much.. I still let it go.. I fail to squeeze what it has to offer. And so today I have stopped trying. I am not competing with it anymore. I am not trying to make it perfect! Coz there is no perfect. If the moment is yours it will touch you with warmth and caress you and make you live in it for a century else it will run away making way for the next moment.

Its not settled yet. I doubt if it ever will be settled. "Yes" and "No" are my strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt come easily to everyone. I will always be scared.. always unsettled. Future was never so apprehensive as it is now. Should I be excited or nervous?

I cant take those memories away and I know I cannot make better ones now. How will this survive? I have so much to say. Who do I say it to? I cant preach anymore, I cant bitch anymore, I cant be sad anymore, I cant cry anymore.... cmon, I cant be a doll anymore!! Bottling up is not my characteristic. Id rather speak as it comes. But who do I say it to?

There is need but no interest. Which is bigger and mightier? A poll.

Its read, but never spoken about. Why?

It is going to be ordinary and very standard. Lets face it. And even that is a struggle.

L'chaim!!!

My wedding and I :)

I found my wedding song.. :) :)

I have never felt so much at peace as I do when I listen to this song. Its such a couple song and now my mission is to find a man who can fit the song. Now isnt that easy! Haah, I am only kidding.

The song is so intimate yet so simple. The simplest and probably the most superficial lyrics ever but the music says so much. Love it.

And I am not sharing it with anyone until my wedding.. :)