Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

Riders of a Storm

Every time I think I have made progress and that today I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, I surprise myself with how much wiser I become with each passing day/year and I start to see potential in myself that I hadn't uncovered so far. Innit fucking awesome? But I do recognize that there is still a lot of work to do. An interesting thing to note is that the more clearer I am in my mind the less articulate I have become on paper or in speech. That is such an anti-thesis of everything I know to be true. And hence the lack of posts here. I have sat down many times and started to draft a bunch of new posts over the last 3 years, but just never got around to completing them. I would just argue the point in my head and then see no reason for posting it or feel compelled to put my thoughts down coz I have already gone through the process in my head. Have I just become more efficient? or lazy?

2022 has started well and has been so refreshing thus far. Its same same but different :) I am finding the air crisper, the greens fresher... there is a skip in my step, and there is sparkle in my eye. I feel closer to God and a little bit more in awe of myself for how I have handled things in the recent past. My work is back to being my front and center. I may not win at this, but I will definitely give my best possible most hard working shot. This is the only thing I know today that is in my hands. So are my relationships btw, but I suck at them. Atleast I am good at my work. And it almost always recognizes and reciprocates the time and effort I put in it.

I am totally inspired for this post by my morning today at a park. 😇

Apna time aayega..

Of the many things in life you see, experience, feel.. only a few leave a noticeable impression on you. Movies are a genre that often find a relatable spot and leave such an impression. Gully Boy is one such movie of the recent times that touched me in a way that is not only relatable but also made me appreciate the pure craft that is film-making. Ranveer Singh as Murad is flawless. His adamance to be hopeful reminds me of myself. I am reminded to value the hope and whim which with I have lived my life thus far. No one has time for disappointment. I am too busy being eager :).

But then again, the innocence of his relationship with Safeena reminded me of one of mine - full of deep understanding, growth, and habituation. A world without it didnt seem to exist. Well that bubble broke too soon. Hehe. But the thing to note was that a life beyond habituation was possible. I am living it and its beautiful. There is more clarity of self and that of the world around me.

I wonder sometimes how a cricket World Cup, a movie, a coffee, a Thank You note, etc can change your perspective and hence your life in many ways. Some moments are defining. Its amazing when there is someone else who feels these moments with you. The surreal sense of depth and comfort in those moments is unparalleled. Its like a ray of sun on your face on a beautiful summer day - its almost enlightening. So are those shared moments. But sometimes .. just sometimes .. there is magic in your own company and sharing those moments just with yourself... reflecting on the big fat awesome life you have led. For example: only yesterday a friend shared a pic of a reunion with friends from 11 years ago. Its a blessing to note how far the two of us have come among the 11 that met.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Damn it. Did I stop rolling! 

Dun matter. Apna time aayega :)

 

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

yeh shaam..zindagi ki

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aa jao..
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui
Ab toh wapas aaja na...
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai 

Tumhare baad hamara haal aisa hai,
Ke jaise saaz ke sab taar toot jaate hain
Ke is samay toh, parinde bhi... laut aate hai
Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui 

Tum toh gaye par yaad na gayi,
Zubaan se meri fariyaad na gayi
Guzri na aisi koi saans,
Jismein tumahara naam na ho,
Tab tak karunga yaad main,
Jab tak umr tamaam na ho,
Tumhare haath se mera haath yoon chhuta,
ke jaise bheed mein kuch haath chhoot jaate hai
ke is samay toh, parinde bhi.. laut aate hai

Dhundhli dhundhli shaam hui,
Ab toh wapas aa jao...

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kisko khojti hun main..kya chahti hun main..kiska mujhe intezaar hai.. kyun darti hun main.
is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain.. 

The wait seems to be theoretical self-made concept rather than a reality. My deepest emotions are that of fear and hurt rather than of being loved. I wonder do people know love today? Or do they do love? The greatest poets and philosophers talk of pain and yearning with such eloquence that one cant help but fantasize such hurt. Are emotions a good thing or bad? Is it fair to expect and hope for some understanding or even with that we complicate it too much to align with our fantasies like I mentioned earlier allowing no one and nothing to understand. 

...is samay toh parinde bhi laut aate hain... 

Transparent

The smell of the unwashed hair, of that raindrop that has fallen on your arm... the touch of the inner thigh, of that of a man's chest.. the taste of a flower petal, of that of beer on his lips... the look of a castle in the middle of a meadow, of that of little puppies playing together... the sound of rain falling and that of Edith Piaf singing La Vie En Rose... these are senses that are so subtle yet so strong taking you with them to this whimsical world, only you know and enjoy.

The simplicity and truthfulness with which Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor have conveyed the little sensations to the audience.. making it a journey of their own. I cant help but feel this innate yearning to be free.. of that tattoo that I always wanted. The freedom that I always found so endearing and something that I have always been thankful for. Where in this commotion of growing up did I lose it. I feel it. I sense it. It smells and feels so orgasmic. How did I ever miss it. How did I not let it caress my body with a feather like touch. Aah. But complicated.. oh so much so of rumination. Like that corner chair and a cigar (in the little room of a hotel in SanJuan :))... that was Freedom.

with a silly smirk.. and a total sexual energy I sign off this beautiful post. Mwah. 

From the ashes a fire shall be woken..

There was a reason why my blog's tagline was, "...Not all those who wander are lost.."

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

I cant wait. 

Im smitten! Its been so long that I have felt this way. :)

But the world doesnt seem a better place. This feeling is scary as hell at this point in time.. in this circumstance. 

Cool quotient

I realized I dont have an opinion anymore.. Is that really sad?
psst.. Am I going to be a boring 30 year old in the near future? I wanted to be cool. Is it un-cool to not have opinions?

A read

Now I am not too much of a reader and thus the task of choosing a book to read become mighty difficult. The choice process has to hit the absolutely perfect book and this cannot miss the target, else the book will be dusted more often than read. Through the process of elimination, I have realized that I dont like fictions. I dont know how absolutely true that is but if the book is absolutely situational and has no true setting or substance to it I lose interest. I give myself the "i have better things to do in my life than read someone else's idea of someone else's life who didnt exist". Very cynical, I must say, but still true. And I am no one to talk books. Its like the little 4 year olds who I detest because they come to me with that humor that says "you didnt even know that!!". Yeaa... Hell ya.. YOU little boy, 3 inches off the ground... you dont know how it really works... ! Well, thats my guards up to little kids who try to outsmart me. And I am just like that when it comes to books.

But I truly want to be very careful. I dont want to chose a book too optimistic that makes me feel bad about where I stand today, and I dont want the book to be too pessimistic that makes me feel that there is no hope. Travel and history being my fav topics, they both can be so super awesome or absolutely a drag. I think I will delve into Marketing for a change. Marketing for dummies!! I like kindle coz then I dont have to hold the book in my hand as that and look dumb. I can still sit in Starbucks with my fav cup of coffee and read. That reminds me, Starbucks has totally done away with the whole "cup of coffee" feel. Where are the cups!!

A naked Woman

And such is a woman's body. Truly poetic. Truly inspirational. And then we have the younger idiotic younger generation that tries to play around with that image and make woman what she is not - a statue!

The little flab on the tummy, the slightly sagging boobs (umm.. coz they are real), the oblong buttocks (no they are not round and juicy). Love a man who can appreciate this. So sexy that man is and so aroused he makes me. I lay naked in my thoughts ready to make love to a man who is real but who is mysterious. I want to pleasure him back.

Courtesy: the dancing women outside the Herberger Theater Center.

The Subway Station

The many interpretations of nature and what its worth. I recently visited Roger W. Koon’s gallery in downtown SFO. A rich and beautiful culmination of his travels around the country mostly of the wild. Quite a prime location for some such new art. Of course what went through my mind was how well he must be living selling these pictures, but also how lucky was he to capture what he saw and how he saw it. Although sadly that’s not how I saw it and I was verbal about it. Standing in his space, I spoke my mind. I didn’t see what he saw; not in nearly most of his pictures. But I still was inspired to better capture my travels.. in mind, heart, or soul.

Switching places

Where is the calm? With so much happening around me and so little happening inside of me, there is this state of unrest that I have become accustomed to. I have literally lost my senses. I cant smell the rain, and neither can I feel the warmth of the sun. There is this sadness that hovers over me. Is this 27?

Life has drifted away in the last 5 hours. At 22 it seemed to be in control. Nothing was planned but it still was so crisp. There were dreams and hopes and willingness to take control. Its so without hopes now. I have crushed everything I ever wanted to be. I have given in to the regular. I feel so distressed. Its lonely in here...this side of the world..this side of the life.

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I dont believe in signs but when in one same night.. you see an episode of friends where the purple house is getting packed up coz they are moving out and everyone now has a life to live and they are all moving on in life... and on the other hand you see Forrest Gump stopping his run coz he has left his past behind and is moving on... gives you a sense if you are forcing yourself to not understand.. to not get it yet.. !!

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I am planning a wine night with my girlfriends in a bar filled with rich dudes.. should be fun. Im giving in.

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He and I share a very soothing relationship. I didnt think I would say this a year back.. but we have grown out of it and Im glad we did. He gets me and makes me feel better. We share in our own special way. But we complain like everyone else. We are there for each other always yet not there. I wish him all the love and luck in life. He has made a great stride and will continue to do so and I know one day will make me super proud..

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Its feels amazing when people acknowledge your presence and give you that respect. When you feel you have earned it, you have won them over. Little rewards of my workplace. I am falling in love with them. They like me. :) I know they do.

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So I got a rishta.. Of course Im turning 27 this year! Now its not such a unheard thing. Perfect guy but he is my height and Im SHORT!! Hehe.. I have always been with tall guys. Not regular height, but tall. Out of habit cant take this one. I should be the last one making an issue out of this. Makes me laugh out loud!

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I love Java chip frappucino. I am addicted to it. Yes I am. Guilty!

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So Yes. I miss myself at 22. Well then, I missed myself at 18. Its the circle of life. And you know what I finally have regrets. The great Miss Principles has finally left sight of each and every of her principles. No wonder I feel so lost. I have become a suffering to my own self. I saw myself a certain way and I dont see myself at all now.

Seventeen

And I want to be seventeen again. The innocence with which I loved, the affection with which I fought and the simplicity with which I explained. Was it me or was it him. He made me a better person. I learnt his language and understood his gestures. He either smelt or felt my presence. He was easy that way. But he was a bad teacher. He taught, but didnt teach all. He didnt teach me to adapt. He didnt tell me that world becomes as you grow and you become as the world grows. Im lost. I dont smell him but I feel him.. all around. My friend, my teacher, my guru, my lover, my all... Me.

And now after that drunken dream, I only smile and drop just .. just about one tear.

Love,
Me.

Coffee and some more..

Its a beautiful day today. Nope its not in the 60s.. its actually 75. But thats perfect for me who doesnt like cold one bit. And for some god damn reason this Starbucks is playing some of the most beautiful songs. I am going to pay up more to get my Shazam updated. I need it!!!

So I was chatting with a friend online (yup.. now thats not what I normally do at my time out in a coffee shop but I had to talk to this one).. and this is how the conversation went.

Friend: kya kar rahi hai

Me: starbucks mein hun... coffee.. music.. blog.. people.. dreams... and a little uneasiness from using a tampon

It was just funny. It was a quick thoughtless reply but a funny one. Not one of my general replies. So yes, I dont know how people do it but there is this constant feeling of something inside and how much ever one might think of it to be a good thing, it isnt...!

ok. Yoga time now. Yes I have to write about that. Its been a good experience.

Current Status - Coffee and much more..

On the other side..

"Every good friend once was a stranger" - A shady Chinese restaurant's Fortune Cookie

Welcome strangers :)

On the road again..

Lovely Mausam

So its been so beautiful these days at Tempe that I have formulated and tested a theory on myself. The theory states: Probability of Lovely mausam has a positive correlation with decline in work efficiency.

And this might be true for a lot of people, but the correlation value is really high in my case.

Current Status - Enthralled by the smell of rain

Itrr aur Sugandh

I know now why I am so pleased, pleasant, and relaxed today. Coz I have three different very awesome perfumes on me.* One must never disregard the power of good smell..a beautiful fragrance. It can kill many and take over an empire..(I am sure the history has one such story out of its so many..!!). That said, I truly just realized - it was like an epiphany - that it was the smell that calmed me and helped me relax and love whats around.
Damn, I didnt intend to sound like this. But come to think of it, a walk seems so much more satisfactory if you can smell raat ki raani. Reminds me of my walks in the dark of the Koregaon Park roads... shhhhhh.. I never said anything.. :)

Adios!

Current Status - Smelly Cat.. Smelly Cat..

*Mom has ordered a few for me to get those to her in Dec..when I go HOME.. :D

Welcome October

I just love the month of October :) Its gorgeous.

Fo Sho coz it contains my birth date.. But there is more to it than just that.. Its just a beautiful month.. just beautiful.