Like Father Like Husband

Sometimes you are in a trance in life. You blame it on your busy schedule or that you have been getting less sleep or that you may have been sexually abused (that’s more trauma but I’ll explain more). In the context of this post trance is a feeling beyond one’s comprehension. Where the world seems to move without your control – well that it does every second – but in this case your nearest controllable targets are sort of playing hide and seek or rather a game of roulette where it seems like you are betting on chance. In short – when things are sort of (only sort of) out of your control. Your mind plays tricks and tells you that you could control it. You also create situations that may make you believe that you do in-fact control it. But no, you don’t. And that’s the truth. Take it or leave it.

Yes. Take it or leave it. You cant fix it, You cant work it. You can barely understand it. But you must make a decision.

 

I have never felt this out of control. And people who know me know that that’s a scary weird-ass thought. And the even funny bit is that its not another strong force that’s fighting me on it. It’s the subtleness of a little puppy or a new-born child (not like I would know either of those feelings.. but using public opinion for the same). Its how my Dad convinced my Mom to buy a 2 lakh computer in 1997. It was completely out of blue, most irrelevant, and audacious purchase. Its how he convinced my Mom to buy a 1 cr house in 2010. He believes in God or himself or just takes a leap of faith – whatever it is, he has a power over Mom like no other. But trust me if you see them together you will know The Boss. They say girls seek husbands like their father and boys seek wives like their mother. On this day of my father’s 60^th Bday, I submissively agree to believe that I would be blessed to have found a husband like him. And I think I am beginning to acknowledge this feeling of trance. :)

Snake-like

Its that time of the year when the snake sheds it skin only to get another fresh layer over it.. and repeat!

There isnt a phenomenon as sublime and personal as this one both literally and figuratively.

Amen.

Requiem for a Truth

Quite simply put there is something called as unconditional love and it exists only between a mother and her child. Also although unacceptable to younger generation and often contested, there is a lot of wisdom that comes with age, but yes only if you allow yourself to fully immerse and engage in life experiences. Surprisingly enough there are people that stay away from it all and believe abundantly in their own circle of living. I enjoy standing at this juncture so deeply aware hoping for souls to catch up. I see now the differences with which men and women are built and the two sides of the table that they represent. And just like a coin would be faceless and valueless without either one of the sides, so will be the society. I suppose I grew up with more virtual testosterone in me than an average girl. It took my boss just about a month and fewer than ten conversations to realize, get acquainted to, and begin to respect my aggression/passion/assertiveness and my man-like mannerisms. Am I speaking against the feminist wave?

And just like that conjecture, there is also the confusion around creative presence vs organization.. whimsical mind vs logical one. Like many other forms, is this also a dominant vs submissive situation? Or is it lack of practice and/or courage? This constant need to acquire knowledge but the laziness and/or lack of interest pushes to give up. Its a constant struggle but an interesting one at that.

All other kinds of love, if there are different kinds, are quite conditional. Everyone is expected to love the other more than they love them. Everyone wants to be around an easy and quite-so-often-used-word 'nice' company. Its a catch 22 situation, aint it? We all as consumers want the best quality product at the cheapest prices with utmost convenience. Somehow Amazon seems to have accomplished quite well on this road. I suppose its possible.

And then along the road I meet women that are so unhinged by this challenge of life that requires them to ride the wave of feminism and they wear it proudly so even after their understanding of the two sides of the coin quite well... that requires them to do both - be logical and hopeful at the same time.. that allows them to love unconditionally yet at their own terms and conditions. Its peaceful. :)

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

Third World Citizens

The stark difference in treatment of human life is easily noticeable as one traverses from the West to the East. People are more accepting of insults, of lesser convenience, and of ways of life that don’t even make sense.

As I disembark the hugely courteous Emirates airlines in Dubai from US I am a satisfied customer. The airhostesses are the best in quality, the food and drinks are above standard, and the smiles..oh smiles. There are travelators even when walking makes more sense but they are there as they give a sense of service. The deep service and satisfaction that every traveler is entitled to... as I came to believe.

Apparently on the other side of the world... as I had clearly forgotten... thats not the norm. You are an Indian.. a third world citizen.. and you will take what we give you and make it work. I commend us for the innate ability that we have developed during our growing years to accept and adapt. We excel in the world we live coz of exactly this. However we leave behind a lot more we can achieve by not demanding more... by not allowing ourselves to ask for more to align with what we deserve.. by not agreeing that we deserve more.

I used to think that the source of all problems for us is population. Its difficult to sustain anything given the sheer number of people. At some point the patience runs out. But now after giving myself a 7 year break I realize its not just the population ..that adds to the problems for sure.. but thats not the problem. The system is indeed the problem. Why do we have to travel for 15 mins in a bus on disembarking the airport. Real Estate problem? Ok agreed. Why do we have to have 5 different security checks before boarding the plane? Why do we need an OTP for EVERYTHING. When majority (upwards of 60%) of the urban metro population is transient then why an address proof in the form of Aadhar card is required for everything. And if it is then why changing address on Aadhar card not an online solution or an easy solution without standing in line for 4 hours. 

Im only venting on the above. Im sure it will take me less than a month to get used to all of the above. But it was important for me to note it down as I continue to live life in the coming months and years and be able to compare the innate sense of adjustment that is built in a normal middle class Indian life.

...but not guilt..

Despair, helplessness, anger, humiliation, betrayal. But not guilt.

Not guilt: Sometimes you get the strength to stand by yourself. Sometimes someone has to have your back and sometimes its only you that you can trust and fall back on. Faith. In such tumultuous times that's what keeps people going. Thats why people believe in religions. Everyone wants answers even though they are not logical or even believable.

Helplessness: Hate is hurtful. I have hated a lot of things but never hated people. I couldnt. It was too rude to do so even for me. Everyone has their reasons and everyone is in the wrong including me so how could I hate. Is that not good enough. Why is there punishment even for good people. I guess then that that is not good enough. What am I paying for? I thought I already paid my dues. What are my beliefs?

Despair, humiliation: 32 years, you know. Thats a lot of time. Whats the status? A rolling stone gains no moss. That was supposed to be a good thing right? But does it gain anything at all? Is it supposed to? What is a life's journey supposed to gain? ...people, relationships, knowledge, legacy, making world a better place (but how)..... What gives?? I have lost all people and all relationships except the ones that came with birth. Is it over then? Am I done? Is the circle of life done with?

Anger, betrayal: Shame on those that cant see fault of their own. They have a lot of life to live and learn. Losing the person who gave you birth doesnt give you enough perspective I suppose as I had earlier assumed, wrongly so. They are prolly more disillusioned and dumb for the lack of better word and they continue to get fooled.... since being ignorant is the only choice they truly have. Good luck fellow human being. I hope you crumble and die (metaphorically so..).

How to Lose a Guy in 3 months

1. Be mean to him. More than you normally would to anyone coz he needs to see your worst side to better prepare himself for those 5% of the times when you are abnormal.

2. Cry every Friday that you are with him. Just so that those are his best Friday memories.

3. Make fun while/of sex with him.

4. Let him know multiple times that he doesnt get your complicated (read stupid) emotions.

5. Always appear to be right.

6. Make him super uncomfortable in your house and let him know that you feel pressured. 

7. Be super uncomfortable in his house and let him know that you hate his house and hate being there. 

.

.

.

.

.

and I'll keep filling these as I get more an more insight into this. Readers, please let me know if you have some more interesting ideas. Im definitely going to try and test this out on this perfectly awesome guy and play Kate Hudson myself. Who knows may be in the process I will fall in love or worse still this guy would come out to be the likes of Matthew McConaughey. Fun!! 

**********************************

In another story apparently married/committed men continue to have a thing for me now. They still assume they possess me while they continue to have dreamy sexy conversations with their significant others. I appreciate their candid burst of emotions but even I believe in what is right is right and cannot do a Roy on myself. (He will be thrilled that he gets a mention on my blog). They truly need to understand that they cannot have the best of both worlds. Your ship has sailed my friend. Enjoy the journey of your life. I need to find my ship. Oh if only, I dont lose it in every 3 months following the basic principles mentioned above. :)

**********************************

I heard Shashi Tharoor speak at a debate in Oxford. Man, is he impressive. When i discussed this with a friend he condemned him saying that he doesnt know or understand anything and he is just a good orator and the credit goes to his writers. Sure, I guess. I havent researched much on Tharoor so I could have midguided opinions. But given what I know about him and his education and his opinions, although not the best, he is still pretty impressive. 

Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

A child's play

I thought I didnt like kids.. But I have been babysitting for 10 years now!!

A naked Woman

And such is a woman's body. Truly poetic. Truly inspirational. And then we have the younger idiotic younger generation that tries to play around with that image and make woman what she is not - a statue!

The little flab on the tummy, the slightly sagging boobs (umm.. coz they are real), the oblong buttocks (no they are not round and juicy). Love a man who can appreciate this. So sexy that man is and so aroused he makes me. I lay naked in my thoughts ready to make love to a man who is real but who is mysterious. I want to pleasure him back.

Courtesy: the dancing women outside the Herberger Theater Center.

Is it Competition... or.. is it Competition?

How much is too much? Where is that end? Is there an end? What is the limit to achieving? over-achieving? or under-achieving? Delusion or dilemma? Where is the full stop? or even half a stop?

The fun of living is to always have something new to learn..to explore. The opposite of that fun is to either not bother to learn or over-learn. Is there something as over -learn? Can you burn yourself out just learning?

Although I have "3 years of work experience", I would like to treat it as negligible. With the real work that I have gotten into less than 6 months back, I have fallen prey to the very common work related problem of limits!! Where are the limits. Timings, money, social life, life at all.. et al. With the whole generation going through a similar phase, I tend to compare. There are all kinds of people. They have all either figured out what they want or are in the process or just pretend that they have. But either way I dont find myself anywhere close. I feel I dont have enough data to make the decision or rather enough choices to make that call. or Do I?

What is the ratio of the different parameters? So many variables! I struggle to find my principles as I struggle to find myself. In the rush of things of this quarter life I have lost much or just lost my vision and fail to see the gains. Oh that reminds me I might have to get reading glasses. Finally.. !! I can get a really sexy pair of glasses and can pretend to be a reader!

Seeing people whooping past you exactly making that "whooop" sound makes you wonder are you already behind? Already? But then would you switch places? Is being content a good thing or does that just make you less competitive?

How much is too much?

On the Other side

How difficult is it for us to live life and be thankful. Why do we fail to acknowledge what we have today. Why do we take it for granted. Our health, the people we love, our life, our work and what not. It doesnt take too long for it to go away and before you realize, its too late.

Snapshots of.... the crepes at Eiffel Tower, the pink flowers in Brugges, the bouquet of roses in the INC room, the guitar playing, the glass of champagne dropping, the socks all over the room, Kenny G on a tattered black player, the blue jacket that was smelt, the music that I never used to listen to, the eyes with the look of pride and sometimes embarassment, Bryan Adams (oh No) and the Manorama stories, the sloppy kiss, bhutta and Vasanthi, the Oh Man jokes and tulips, the green eyes that always stared, the wrong size pink pencil and that smile, pillu and billu, and what not...keep coming back to me. Life is full of these smaller instances and these smaller stories to tell. Its these pieces put together that defines life... Life is not the bigger picture! Then why do we fail to live these moments.. Why do we take these for granted..

It doesnt take too long before life is whisked away from you and then you will regret everything you didnt do and everything you didnt say. Dont have that regret. You didnt live well, and that feeling wont let you die well.

Express and Live.

Love always.

Switching places

Where is the calm? With so much happening around me and so little happening inside of me, there is this state of unrest that I have become accustomed to. I have literally lost my senses. I cant smell the rain, and neither can I feel the warmth of the sun. There is this sadness that hovers over me. Is this 27?

Life has drifted away in the last 5 hours. At 22 it seemed to be in control. Nothing was planned but it still was so crisp. There were dreams and hopes and willingness to take control. Its so without hopes now. I have crushed everything I ever wanted to be. I have given in to the regular. I feel so distressed. Its lonely in here...this side of the world..this side of the life.

**********************

I dont believe in signs but when in one same night.. you see an episode of friends where the purple house is getting packed up coz they are moving out and everyone now has a life to live and they are all moving on in life... and on the other hand you see Forrest Gump stopping his run coz he has left his past behind and is moving on... gives you a sense if you are forcing yourself to not understand.. to not get it yet.. !!

**********************

I am planning a wine night with my girlfriends in a bar filled with rich dudes.. should be fun. Im giving in.

**********************

He and I share a very soothing relationship. I didnt think I would say this a year back.. but we have grown out of it and Im glad we did. He gets me and makes me feel better. We share in our own special way. But we complain like everyone else. We are there for each other always yet not there. I wish him all the love and luck in life. He has made a great stride and will continue to do so and I know one day will make me super proud..

**********************

Its feels amazing when people acknowledge your presence and give you that respect. When you feel you have earned it, you have won them over. Little rewards of my workplace. I am falling in love with them. They like me. :) I know they do.

*********************

So I got a rishta.. Of course Im turning 27 this year! Now its not such a unheard thing. Perfect guy but he is my height and Im SHORT!! Hehe.. I have always been with tall guys. Not regular height, but tall. Out of habit cant take this one. I should be the last one making an issue out of this. Makes me laugh out loud!

*********************

I love Java chip frappucino. I am addicted to it. Yes I am. Guilty!

*********************

So Yes. I miss myself at 22. Well then, I missed myself at 18. Its the circle of life. And you know what I finally have regrets. The great Miss Principles has finally left sight of each and every of her principles. No wonder I feel so lost. I have become a suffering to my own self. I saw myself a certain way and I dont see myself at all now.

Over and Out.

A double century.

Who will sustain?

Post Mortem

And I just realized something. And why.. now? Well, there is no directing the mind. It takes a stroll when it wants to.

It wasnt the person...but it was the acknowledgement!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT... Thats all. Thats the answer.

Create

To hell with everyone else. From here on I live for myself.. like I always have!

Happy Badday to me.. !

I hate you (like I love you)

Another one of my best friends is getting married. People I was so close to, people I worked with, people I shared my innermost feelings with, people who are my friends and who love me, people whose lives were just like mine... they are all getting married. It feels weird.

She sounded just normal as if nothing extraordinary had happened. This was ought to happen, she says. They were in love. They wanted to get married. It wasnt thought or talked about. It just was the next step. They were in love. :)

She called me yesterday and said, "my wedding date is fixed. Its 17th Feb."

************************************************************************************

She called again and they talked. ..... .... and the cycle continues. The never ending, vicious, heart breaking, tiring cycle still continues. Powered by determination, or lack of self esteem, or worse still, the need to regain her self esteem, she continues to disrupt my life. And he watches like a silent observer. He says he is a helper. God sent! Son of God to help the needy and the poor and the desperates!!! Respect!!

God helps those who help themselves.
And, One who cannot help himself cannot help anyone!

************************************************************************************

Two such contrasting emotions in a single day, but all so true.

C'est la vie !!!

The Light's plight

With every passing hour life changes. I feel each moment gushing past me and I still cannot do much.. I still let it go.. I fail to squeeze what it has to offer. And so today I have stopped trying. I am not competing with it anymore. I am not trying to make it perfect! Coz there is no perfect. If the moment is yours it will touch you with warmth and caress you and make you live in it for a century else it will run away making way for the next moment.

Its not settled yet. I doubt if it ever will be settled. "Yes" and "No" are my strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt come easily to everyone. I will always be scared.. always unsettled. Future was never so apprehensive as it is now. Should I be excited or nervous?

I cant take those memories away and I know I cannot make better ones now. How will this survive? I have so much to say. Who do I say it to? I cant preach anymore, I cant bitch anymore, I cant be sad anymore, I cant cry anymore.... cmon, I cant be a doll anymore!! Bottling up is not my characteristic. Id rather speak as it comes. But who do I say it to?

There is need but no interest. Which is bigger and mightier? A poll.

Its read, but never spoken about. Why?

It is going to be ordinary and very standard. Lets face it. And even that is a struggle.

L'chaim!!!

To be or not to be

And I thought that they didnt give up on me. But in hindsight I realize they were just too much of a coward to stand up and speak. And it continued... it continued in vain. Only to repeat itself all over again.

On the contrary, I question myself - Is it wrong to have a voice? Or how much voice is good voice?

:)

To answer my friend A, sometimes even 7 years arent enough to know someone and sometimes you need just a few months or may be just weeks. Its the ability and the intention to know someone. There is no knowing someone without hard work. One needs to intentionally explore.

For courageous times and bigger voice.

Society

On another note... I could share this song..!

So much meaning, so much to convey, such strong emotions. I loved this movie and I reckon the ending.

Happiness is true and can exist when you can share it with someone else. If not, its an emotion that you cant even comprehend.

You need people around you and there is no pride in being able to live alone.

Contrarily, its depressing the pressure society can levy on individuals. Although its no stakeholder, it still owns you in a way that has never been mutually agreed upon and rather is an unsaid agreement like the one that the Italian mafia would get into. For me its a Catch 22 situation. I cant live with or without it. And so I search ... endlessly.. but the starling will need to settle and lay eggs. Coz isnt that the sole purpose of a living creature.

That was a horrible analogy!

Enjoy the song.

Oh it's a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed...
and you think you have to want more than you need...
until you have it all, you won't be free.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

When you want more than you have, you think you need...
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place...
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

There's those thinkin' more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin' score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you're startin' from the top...
and you can't do that.

Society, have mercy on me.
I hope you're not angry, if I disagree.
Society, crazy indeed.
I hope you're not lonely...
without me.