New!

It's time to dream the new dreams. You accomplish some; you alter some; and you don't accomplish some. But the fun of it is to keep dreaming.

An astrologer once told me (ya the only time I visited one in my life) that I'm whimsical. That's where I gather my strength from. That's what keeps me going through this mundane life that I have lived recently (which wasn't quite so mundane actually).

But it's not the end. Life has only begun. So what if I'm not travelling the world and visiting coffee shops with the guy who loves hardwood floors and white linen curtains in French windows. It's time to dream the new dreams.

Travel is a passé. Now suddenly everyone loves travelling and photography. Haah!!

Note: btw its really funny posting from my phone!!

The first or the Second..

Something I came across on Facebook. Facebook is the storage of some such weird stuff.

Nevertheless, either ways.. In either light this makes you feel bad; whether you were the first or you had a second in your life!

On the Other side

How difficult is it for us to live life and be thankful. Why do we fail to acknowledge what we have today. Why do we take it for granted. Our health, the people we love, our life, our work and what not. It doesnt take too long for it to go away and before you realize, its too late.

Snapshots of.... the crepes at Eiffel Tower, the pink flowers in Brugges, the bouquet of roses in the INC room, the guitar playing, the glass of champagne dropping, the socks all over the room, Kenny G on a tattered black player, the blue jacket that was smelt, the music that I never used to listen to, the eyes with the look of pride and sometimes embarassment, Bryan Adams (oh No) and the Manorama stories, the sloppy kiss, bhutta and Vasanthi, the Oh Man jokes and tulips, the green eyes that always stared, the wrong size pink pencil and that smile, pillu and billu, and what not...keep coming back to me. Life is full of these smaller instances and these smaller stories to tell. Its these pieces put together that defines life... Life is not the bigger picture! Then why do we fail to live these moments.. Why do we take these for granted..

It doesnt take too long before life is whisked away from you and then you will regret everything you didnt do and everything you didnt say. Dont have that regret. You didnt live well, and that feeling wont let you die well.

Express and Live.

Love always.

Interference

Facebook's smart "People you may know" feature is also pulling a sarcasm at me. Wants me to befriend the person who disrupted the better years of my life. Its not that smart afterall. :)

Switching places

Where is the calm? With so much happening around me and so little happening inside of me, there is this state of unrest that I have become accustomed to. I have literally lost my senses. I cant smell the rain, and neither can I feel the warmth of the sun. There is this sadness that hovers over me. Is this 27?

Life has drifted away in the last 5 hours. At 22 it seemed to be in control. Nothing was planned but it still was so crisp. There were dreams and hopes and willingness to take control. Its so without hopes now. I have crushed everything I ever wanted to be. I have given in to the regular. I feel so distressed. Its lonely in here...this side of the world..this side of the life.

**********************

I dont believe in signs but when in one same night.. you see an episode of friends where the purple house is getting packed up coz they are moving out and everyone now has a life to live and they are all moving on in life... and on the other hand you see Forrest Gump stopping his run coz he has left his past behind and is moving on... gives you a sense if you are forcing yourself to not understand.. to not get it yet.. !!

**********************

I am planning a wine night with my girlfriends in a bar filled with rich dudes.. should be fun. Im giving in.

**********************

He and I share a very soothing relationship. I didnt think I would say this a year back.. but we have grown out of it and Im glad we did. He gets me and makes me feel better. We share in our own special way. But we complain like everyone else. We are there for each other always yet not there. I wish him all the love and luck in life. He has made a great stride and will continue to do so and I know one day will make me super proud..

**********************

Its feels amazing when people acknowledge your presence and give you that respect. When you feel you have earned it, you have won them over. Little rewards of my workplace. I am falling in love with them. They like me. :) I know they do.

*********************

So I got a rishta.. Of course Im turning 27 this year! Now its not such a unheard thing. Perfect guy but he is my height and Im SHORT!! Hehe.. I have always been with tall guys. Not regular height, but tall. Out of habit cant take this one. I should be the last one making an issue out of this. Makes me laugh out loud!

*********************

I love Java chip frappucino. I am addicted to it. Yes I am. Guilty!

*********************

So Yes. I miss myself at 22. Well then, I missed myself at 18. Its the circle of life. And you know what I finally have regrets. The great Miss Principles has finally left sight of each and every of her principles. No wonder I feel so lost. I have become a suffering to my own self. I saw myself a certain way and I dont see myself at all now.

Over and Out.

A double century.

Who will sustain?

Seventeen

And I want to be seventeen again. The innocence with which I loved, the affection with which I fought and the simplicity with which I explained. Was it me or was it him. He made me a better person. I learnt his language and understood his gestures. He either smelt or felt my presence. He was easy that way. But he was a bad teacher. He taught, but didnt teach all. He didnt teach me to adapt. He didnt tell me that world becomes as you grow and you become as the world grows. Im lost. I dont smell him but I feel him.. all around. My friend, my teacher, my guru, my lover, my all... Me.

And now after that drunken dream, I only smile and drop just .. just about one tear.

Love,
Me.

Competition

The comparison will never end.. not in my mind.

A new picture brings new complications. Even physical labor for 12 hours couldnt spoil my evening as this did.

Post Mortem

And I just realized something. And why.. now? Well, there is no directing the mind. It takes a stroll when it wants to.

It wasnt the person...but it was the acknowledgement!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT... Thats all. Thats the answer.

Create

To hell with everyone else. From here on I live for myself.. like I always have!

Happy Badday to me.. !

..that link..

V says a link is missing... strangely enough.. so is mine.. !

Everything is in the best place that it could be for me as of now, but there is still something missing. And like most things I cannot put my finger on this one either. New job, new apartment (the most beautiful that I have ever lived in), new found freedom and the sudden responsibility of being all grown up, the pleasure of having Mom with me, and he seems at his best in the last one year... but then why is there something missing ..?

I guess I always have preferred to keep the old things/people/places. I try and hold onto them for as long as I can. This particularly happens with people too. I fail to see the good in the new. No wonder I held onto him for this long.

And on a totally unrelated note...this song has been playing in my head since last night.. !!
For that magic moment that I await.. and so does he.. !

My today's facebook status:-
"When time is never ready to wait for us, then Why should we always wait for the right time??" No time is wrong to do the right thing...

I hate you (like I love you)

Another one of my best friends is getting married. People I was so close to, people I worked with, people I shared my innermost feelings with, people who are my friends and who love me, people whose lives were just like mine... they are all getting married. It feels weird.

She sounded just normal as if nothing extraordinary had happened. This was ought to happen, she says. They were in love. They wanted to get married. It wasnt thought or talked about. It just was the next step. They were in love. :)

She called me yesterday and said, "my wedding date is fixed. Its 17th Feb."

************************************************************************************

She called again and they talked. ..... .... and the cycle continues. The never ending, vicious, heart breaking, tiring cycle still continues. Powered by determination, or lack of self esteem, or worse still, the need to regain her self esteem, she continues to disrupt my life. And he watches like a silent observer. He says he is a helper. God sent! Son of God to help the needy and the poor and the desperates!!! Respect!!

God helps those who help themselves.
And, One who cannot help himself cannot help anyone!

************************************************************************************

Two such contrasting emotions in a single day, but all so true.

C'est la vie !!!

Pune Talkies

Was scheduled on 7th June but due to lack of time could not post it. So here it is! A tribute much due to the city that is so close to my heart!

I wrote to a friend of mine, "Pune was just superb. It was a little bit different for me this time. I felt different. Lots of good feelings which is always nice but I felt all grown up and mature in a city which has helped me grow. Seeing my best friends all settled and in some satisfying relationships was overwhelming for me. I wish them all the luck.

The city helps me fall in love with myself.

Also, I met R."

This is the gist of my visit to Pune this year. Unlike my other visits I had time to myself this time. The city talked to me. It was like the old tattered 70 mm reel playing in front of me. So beautiful it was.

I also got the opportunity to show the city to a dear friend of mine through my eyes. Although I must have missed the generic good parts of Pune but I did show him places and things that were closest to me, that made ME. And he was the best friend that he could be to appreciate everything and understand the meaning behind each. Thanks! I love you for sharing my happiness and my nostalgia. It can get quite boring at times, I know.

Love was in the air. There were married couples, there were couples trying to get married, there were couples trying to understand if they want to get married, and there were few other singles trying to find love...just like me. It was an exhilarating experience. But it all made me so happy. There was this light chillness in the air and everything was so positive and easy. And I smiled. :)

He had changed but he was still the same. I was right! Its such an amazing feeling when you speak for the other person coz you think you know and then you realize that you are indeed right. Its a feeling of accomplishment. You avoid sounding foolish to yourself. He always took care of that..I never felt foolish with him around. :) My onion peel theory. His core was just the way I had left it. Rather, I could still see the carvings that I had made.

On another note, I realized how easy it is for people to fall in love with me. Although the most complicated and coiled up person, I bring to people what they are looking for, I guess. It was fulfilling. I am never this modest. But the feeling was so strong that I am not ashamed to bring it out. I didnt know what to do. People were falling in love with me left, right, and center. I wasnt sure if I was. Although I wished I did. Their eyes spoke to me. I saw it. I wanted to fly with them, I wanted to become weightless and soar high into the air. Just half a day, just a few hours, just one drink... time was plenty.


Phew! Quarter life crisis as they say. I want to break free! Did I really just write this post??

Bon Iver

Although I have felt it, I still fail to see it. He is not the best looking, rather is actually quite on the bad side.. he is not the smartest I know, rather sounds quite unintelligent at times.. he is also old, not that there is anything wrong with that but compared to me he is quite old. Despite all this there is this innate quality in him that women get attracted to him like the cliched old saying of honey bees getting attracted to nectar. They are young, intelligent, sassy, smart, and extremely beautiful women. Clearly they arent bimbos who fall for a guy praising her hair or her lips. These are independent, extremely educated, and smart women. There is something about this guy which I cannot put my finger on. The fact that he is an awesome kisser, or the fact that he makes them feel like they are the one that his life revolves around, or the fact that he is an outdoor person contrasted with a very subtle and sensitive taste in music. What is it?? He has the most tattered car that can be found in the neighborhood, he dons the most disgusting pair of jeans and shirt (I guess those from a generation before mine..haha), he has a pot belly; a huge one at that. Then what makes him the man who is able to get any women he wants, rather the most respectable women in town. Respect!

He has a very cute, smart, and 10 year younger gf. I hope they last. He deserves it. All the very best.

Sharaab

"nasha sharaab mein hota toh naachti botal..."

- As was once reiterated by a friend of mine... good times :) A line to think upon.

The Light's plight

With every passing hour life changes. I feel each moment gushing past me and I still cannot do much.. I still let it go.. I fail to squeeze what it has to offer. And so today I have stopped trying. I am not competing with it anymore. I am not trying to make it perfect! Coz there is no perfect. If the moment is yours it will touch you with warmth and caress you and make you live in it for a century else it will run away making way for the next moment.

Its not settled yet. I doubt if it ever will be settled. "Yes" and "No" are my strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt come easily to everyone. I will always be scared.. always unsettled. Future was never so apprehensive as it is now. Should I be excited or nervous?

I cant take those memories away and I know I cannot make better ones now. How will this survive? I have so much to say. Who do I say it to? I cant preach anymore, I cant bitch anymore, I cant be sad anymore, I cant cry anymore.... cmon, I cant be a doll anymore!! Bottling up is not my characteristic. Id rather speak as it comes. But who do I say it to?

There is need but no interest. Which is bigger and mightier? A poll.

Its read, but never spoken about. Why?

It is going to be ordinary and very standard. Lets face it. And even that is a struggle.

L'chaim!!!

Little joys

I sat in the back seat of the ancient Maruti Zen. There were no tinted glass and the a/c barely managed to keep pace with the crazy Delhi heat. But there in the front were my parents of 27 years bickering and fighting about paying toll tax on the Gurgaon highway.

It was amazing how well we knew each other. How well we all could not only interpret each other's actions but also predict them. You can run but you cannot hide.

It was just like old times. My parents and I and our small family. We have been through so much in these past years and bonds have strengthened or threads have broken, but at the end we are still treading the path each day as it comes and living each moment as it delivers.

Arent these the small joys in life?? As I sat there in the back seat now all grown up and pretty, I felt complete after a long time. What else did I want? Why did I ever want anything else? This is it! Here they are!

When life gives you lemons..

Nothing can beat the view of the unaesthetic red and yellow colored buildings with dark clouds in the sky and a smell of rain in the air... Well my PICT hostel room, might actually. But thats besides the point. No New York, No Chicago, No SFO, No Paris, No Amsterdam, or any other god damn city in the world stand a competition to how beautiful my country is. Its been ages that I have heard the birds chirping!! How well behaved are the fucking birds in US that they never make a freaking noise!! The clouds thundering and the birds chirping and its 6:01 in the morning. Yes, quite possible that 6:01 am might be quite beautiful there as well (since I have not seen it more than a couple of times), but Im very sure nothing can beat this..

I miss my days in India. Its amazing how your childhood becomes the most memorable part of your lives even though you remember only tids and bits of it. I guess thats why... only good memories make way. A child's mind does that :) Its simple and easy.

I miss the vada pavs a lot. I miss Sai's egg biryani which he and I always shared and the coffee!! It was 16 freaking bucks. I miss him. I always will. If its not the childhood memories that my mind is filled with, its his!! I try and never have regrets in my life and you know what I dont. I have lived some most lovely years of my life in the last 8 years. They couldnt be more fulfilling. There is no one more endearing that I have met in my life. Wish him all the love and luck in his life.

When life gives you lemons, throw them away. I dont like lemonade. Sorry!

To be or not to be

And I thought that they didnt give up on me. But in hindsight I realize they were just too much of a coward to stand up and speak. And it continued... it continued in vain. Only to repeat itself all over again.

On the contrary, I question myself - Is it wrong to have a voice? Or how much voice is good voice?

:)

To answer my friend A, sometimes even 7 years arent enough to know someone and sometimes you need just a few months or may be just weeks. Its the ability and the intention to know someone. There is no knowing someone without hard work. One needs to intentionally explore.

For courageous times and bigger voice.

Society

On another note... I could share this song..!

So much meaning, so much to convey, such strong emotions. I loved this movie and I reckon the ending.

Happiness is true and can exist when you can share it with someone else. If not, its an emotion that you cant even comprehend.

You need people around you and there is no pride in being able to live alone.

Contrarily, its depressing the pressure society can levy on individuals. Although its no stakeholder, it still owns you in a way that has never been mutually agreed upon and rather is an unsaid agreement like the one that the Italian mafia would get into. For me its a Catch 22 situation. I cant live with or without it. And so I search ... endlessly.. but the starling will need to settle and lay eggs. Coz isnt that the sole purpose of a living creature.

That was a horrible analogy!

Enjoy the song.

Oh it's a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed...
and you think you have to want more than you need...
until you have it all, you won't be free.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

When you want more than you have, you think you need...
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place...
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.

Society, you're a crazy breed.

There's those thinkin' more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin' score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you're startin' from the top...
and you can't do that.

Society, have mercy on me.
I hope you're not angry, if I disagree.
Society, crazy indeed.
I hope you're not lonely...
without me.

My wedding and I :)

I found my wedding song.. :) :)

I have never felt so much at peace as I do when I listen to this song. Its such a couple song and now my mission is to find a man who can fit the song. Now isnt that easy! Haah, I am only kidding.

The song is so intimate yet so simple. The simplest and probably the most superficial lyrics ever but the music says so much. Love it.

And I am not sharing it with anyone until my wedding.. :)

kan-dome

Disclaimer: The following video is only for 18 years and older :)

I dont think I have ever found it "cute", but I am sorry I did, this one.

Dear Readers

Disclaimer: My posts arent always necessarily a reflection of what might be going on in my life. My posts could also be a result of my day to day observations about people, things and life in general. They could just also be a state of mind. So although they do convey what I am feeling at the moment but the very specific thing might not have happened with me.

A Tale of Two Cities

When you are two timed, what do you do?

Satyug ki naari - Will weep in her sorrow and will try everything in her power to bring her loved one back to her.

Kalyug ki naari - Will two time him.

Life is simpler :)

Goldfish

So the only way you can find out how much people love you is to see how much they want to talk to you or be with you when you cut ties with them. Or when you dont initiate to be a part of their lives. They come back flocking to you. But what if they dont? What if no one ever does? Have you spent all your life in vain? Trying to make relations that indeed never really existed. What do people in this state do? Beg? Plead? Cry? Yearn? Or just be angry and go their own way looking for more people to make a part of their lives?

Just a thought.

Seasons

Fall came with betrayal and true to itself as a sign of change

Winter brought with it some cold revelations

Spring bloomed with new flowers and a new love story yet to begin; some hope, some direction

Summer should be warm, earthy, and happy

It all seems to be falling in line. My ducks are getting in a row :)

In the end..

...it doesnt even matter

She lay on his lap with the evening sun shining right through her balcony door and a beam nicely resting on her dull and dry hair making it look like one those L'oreal ad's models. It seemed beautiful and peaceful. She was calm after a long time. Her calm only to be interrupted by the ever so loud beep of the car parked downstairs. His gleamingly beautiful and expensive sedan was apparently getting humped by a SUV. Mind you the word to be noticed here is 'apparent'. But he throws her off his lap and rushes to look through the balcony door to adore his car which was perfectly silent and living a happy and uninterrupted life. She was jealous. And just like that, it was over!

Coffee and some more..

Its a beautiful day today. Nope its not in the 60s.. its actually 75. But thats perfect for me who doesnt like cold one bit. And for some god damn reason this Starbucks is playing some of the most beautiful songs. I am going to pay up more to get my Shazam updated. I need it!!!

So I was chatting with a friend online (yup.. now thats not what I normally do at my time out in a coffee shop but I had to talk to this one).. and this is how the conversation went.

Friend: kya kar rahi hai

Me: starbucks mein hun... coffee.. music.. blog.. people.. dreams... and a little uneasiness from using a tampon

It was just funny. It was a quick thoughtless reply but a funny one. Not one of my general replies. So yes, I dont know how people do it but there is this constant feeling of something inside and how much ever one might think of it to be a good thing, it isnt...!

ok. Yoga time now. Yes I have to write about that. Its been a good experience.

Current Status - Coffee and much more..

Signs

So, P has it all figured out. She is my age and married for about a year to a guy who had been a friend of hers for the last 10 years. Its intense, the conversations we have. I cannot be her bff (I hate using this term). There are characteristics of hers that I dont appreciate a lot. But then there is this tangent that joins us together.. kinda like the tangent that passes through between the two circles. Our lives, our beliefs, our thoughts, and our opinions are so alike. She seems to be like my mirror image in a few of those aspects. But certainly like I mentioned before she definitely is more sorted out or rather appears to be. She says marriage did that to her. I dont believe her.

Things converge. Six degrees of separation for people? I say, for everything; for every emotion, for every situation, for every moment in time (how the hell will that work now?). Coming back to the point, everything seems to be getting pulled towards this central source of attraction and its not just gravity pulling towards the center of the earth. Its something else. Everything is so interrelated and connected. And I forget but we must value that. That is exactly how it was meant to be. This is how it was designed. I should not put my foot in my mouth and try and segregate these needs and these things/situations/moments etc. The overtly organized person that I am with an almost obsessive compulsive disorder existing, I should still let it pave it own way and with its own time.

I believe that everything in this world happens for a reason. Its important to not dig deep into this pit looking for reasons and answers but rather allow it its due course of time and let it explain itself to you as to why it happened. Oh! such wisdom!

Current Status - Better luck next time

Real love does exist..

A Sailboat

Not all those who wander are lost...

..A reminder to self..

On the other side..

"Every good friend once was a stranger" - A shady Chinese restaurant's Fortune Cookie

Welcome strangers :)

On the road again..

Metamorphosis.. or the Camouflage

Dedicated to the third most truly loved man in my life.

So you know yourself a little better today.. or do you?
I have always been a little mystery to myself. There is always some part of me that I am never aware of. Should that scare me? Moreover, as I come close to figuring myself out, I change. And then there is more figuring one out and the cycle continues.

I have heard many complain that they are today what they never thought they would be. On the other hand, some people fondly accept the changes that life has brought to them. Oh! I would never get married.. I just cannot. Kids.. ! I can never have kids.. even if I do, Id give them away to my parents to take care of them. They are such a nuisance. I would never let a guy become more important to me than my own life. My guy would be lucky.. he'd have the best sex of his life. I'll be a beautiful bride. Id never forgive a guy if he cheats on me... oh.. and one even better than the last one.... Id give my guy another chance. ...

So many I know have come up with bold statements like these and have dearly believed in them and not just that made a couple of bucks off of them advising others. But currently, they are so manipulated by their own lives and they dont even realize it.

And so.. just like that.. I have stopped saying Never. And I used to wonder what exactly does experience teach you and how much can you rely on it. Well.. in one scenario.. A lot.. Yes. I have stopped saying Never. But isnt there a 'never' in 'never say never'. Such an irony. And in the other scenario..No, beware coz it can fool you. Life changes so fast.. faster than the speed of light. Can you believe it. And you dont even come to know.

But then I wonder... this change that I talk about.. Is it a phenomenon, some kind of destiny, god's will if one must say so.. metamorphosis? Or is it really another manipulation of the wicked human mind? Just to cover up the muddy past or to protect the misguided future? Some kind of camouflage?

I have changed. A lot. I dont know whether its a result of some form of metamorphosis which every living creature has to go through in one way or the other. Or is it really my own mind playing games with me trying to set me into the current scenario that I have so undauntedly become a part of. But whatever it is, it is very unfamiliar but interesting. Havent I always liked to discover new things? But I'd like to stop playing games now and know the trick.. the magic wand that will make it all right!

Cant wait...

Current Status - Waiting...

Finding - Life manipulates..

Dooriyan..

Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori...
Zyada nasdeekyon mein dooriyon ke hote hain ishaare..
Dooriyan bhi hai zaroori, bhi hai zaroori
Zaroori hai yeh dooriyan



Space - either in terms of time or distance - is an important solver of problems. One must never underestimate its power. Mathematically feelings are a function of distance and time, all other smaller misc things held constat.

F = f(d, t)

Different relationships, be it with your loved ones, friends, family, your dog, your laptop, your stuff toy, or your car, they all are functions of distance and time. The intensity of your emotions is what is represented by F.

Aaah... Me.. A sucker for Maths..

Myth - Distance only weakens the emotions/feelings and thereby relationships
Fact - It depends.

Distance only helps one surface his/her actual hidden layer of emotions removing the blindfold that society or the respective situation has put on him. And the result could be anything.