How to Lose a Guy in 3 months

1. Be mean to him. More than you normally would to anyone coz he needs to see your worst side to better prepare himself for those 5% of the times when you are abnormal.

2. Cry every Friday that you are with him. Just so that those are his best Friday memories.

3. Make fun while/of sex with him.

4. Let him know multiple times that he doesnt get your complicated (read stupid) emotions.

5. Always appear to be right.

6. Make him super uncomfortable in your house and let him know that you feel pressured. 

7. Be super uncomfortable in his house and let him know that you hate his house and hate being there. 

.

.

.

.

.

and I'll keep filling these as I get more an more insight into this. Readers, please let me know if you have some more interesting ideas. Im definitely going to try and test this out on this perfectly awesome guy and play Kate Hudson myself. Who knows may be in the process I will fall in love or worse still this guy would come out to be the likes of Matthew McConaughey. Fun!! 

**********************************

In another story apparently married/committed men continue to have a thing for me now. They still assume they possess me while they continue to have dreamy sexy conversations with their significant others. I appreciate their candid burst of emotions but even I believe in what is right is right and cannot do a Roy on myself. (He will be thrilled that he gets a mention on my blog). They truly need to understand that they cannot have the best of both worlds. Your ship has sailed my friend. Enjoy the journey of your life. I need to find my ship. Oh if only, I dont lose it in every 3 months following the basic principles mentioned above. :)

**********************************

I heard Shashi Tharoor speak at a debate in Oxford. Man, is he impressive. When i discussed this with a friend he condemned him saying that he doesnt know or understand anything and he is just a good orator and the credit goes to his writers. Sure, I guess. I havent researched much on Tharoor so I could have midguided opinions. But given what I know about him and his education and his opinions, although not the best, he is still pretty impressive. 

Cacophony (of emotions)

Conversations with oneself are sometimes the most complex of all conversations. Its like playing chess with oneself. Whose side are you on? After a really really long time today I sat alone listening to music. Just music. No TV, no reading, no writing. It is so peaceful. I have gotten into this really bad habit of always distracting myself with something so as to not deal with something face on. I definitely do a much better job than a lot others, but there is no real strength here. One thing falls flat then I go run find ten others to keep me occupied. That is so unhealthy and a straight linear line to not being happy. Just freaking deal with it and solve it. 

Expectations are a bane of human existence. Complicated emotions and relationships result in simple expectations that when dont get met result in extremely distressful situations. One wonders so much will be solved when two people feel the same way at the same time. World would be a happier place. For example: C has never fulfilled a single bit of my expectation. EVER. Its been such a drama to make what I expect happen. But then again, thats exactly what shouldnt be the case - making expectations happen. Thats the problem. 

Oh and today I wanted to talk about assholes. It might be great to get it in the asshole, but it sure is not good to get one in your life. For all the men that I have ever dated, I can say with utmost confidence that I dont regret anything or detest anyone. Some were healthier breakups, some werent. But there was always this mutual respect. Mostly. I finally have experienced dating an asshole, a manipulator. I used to be the one always to correct people from falling for such duds. I guess with age comes a lack of clarity and also a better skilled manipulator. He did a very fine job. Dont get me wrong he was a great guy. I cant and will not believe that I fell for something that didnt exist. But.. I didnt get out in time. And then what unfolded was definitely not worth being a part of. Cant blame him, but can certainly feel better by calling him an asshole vs calling myself a fiddle. Hypocrisy? Who cares? Its my blog!

These days I have been feeling pressured to write to please. There is a reason why I dont share my blog directly with people I know coz then I suddenly lose my freedom of speech. They want to know everything and comment on everything. You cant write anything about them, good or bad. There is always a sense of being watched. Ugh. I need to strictly re-apply my policy of not discussing whats on the blog anywhere else. That helps.

Today's post is so much about self deprecating humor and analogies. I know for most part Im in the wrong. For most part I know that I still dont regret dating him. For most part I know that I truly loved him. For most part I know that I always will hope for the very best for him. But then again, Im also not going to self preach. Im going to call an asshole an asshole however pretty it might be!

Deal with it!

Just Coffee

Alright.. Alright.. I get it. I give up. I have asked 9 people for coffee at work today but to no avail. I was feeling extremely anxious and restless since morning. And like always I didnt really know the reason why and so the dire need to meet someone for a coffee talk. Since when did coffee at work become a needed thing, I dont know. But now that it has, the absence of it makes me feel extremely lonely. It is one of the strangest and funniest things that I have experienced in the recent past. It almost felt like doors were shutting on me one after the other. 9 doors!! Thats a lot for a day. Oh and not to forget the two big ones that shut on me yesterday and day before. I have had three days of lots of door shutting! Hehe.

But like they say when all doors shut, God opens a new one. I dont think God does anything really much in this regard, but certainly Im introduced to this sense of peace now that Im enough in my own company. Human mind works differently and different humans react differently. Its profoundly interesting. I have a big fat psychology book sitting on my coffee table which I havent even begun to read. Anyhow, I study myself. I react by telling myself that Im just fine. Whatever the hell that means and however untrue that might be. I have done that many a times only to realize that tomorrow will look again exactly the opposite of today.

Music and dogs always help.

Blowin' In The Wind

... the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind..

...the answer is blowin' in the wind... 

Its out there, I can feel it. Its close, but just not there yet. But its happening. It takes a lot of courage to take charge, and when you do its powerful. Seattle is certainly helping with its beautiful windy winters, autumn leaves all over the town, and a moody smell to it.


*************************************************

The above is a post dated 11/28/2014 that sat in my drafts folder till now. It didnt get posted because it wasnt complete.....until now. I thought I was close, but apparently I was five months away. Its been an interesting five months, to say the least. For the first time my professional life was at stake or rather was at the receiver's end. It wasnt pretty. It never is when you are fighting for that control that you think you should have. But its a good fight to be in the middle of.. it only gets interesting. As I look back, I have never been the 'low volatility asset'. I find that boring. Although a risk averse person as is, I am quite a risky thing myself. The troughs and crests in my life are rather steep. Not everyone's cup of tea.

In the last five months, I believe I have lived a full circle of life. Birth, growth, work, man, love, sex, marriage, kids, divorce, and death. I have felt emotions I never thought I had. I have been hurt in ways, I never thought I could. I have been challenged in ways that I couldnt think I could come out as a winner. But at the same time, I couldnt care less or could I? I knew there wasnt longevity to it and hence the yearn to live it fast. So livid that makes me.. the constant struggle to define oneself as a strong or an emotional person... an independent or a dependent needy woman... a career oriented and opinionated person or a cow like homely figure. Can they all co-exist? I have been forced to think that. I didnt think they could, but then I proved myself wrong, or so I think. Im trying to keep away from those self help "woman can rule the world" feminist type of books.

That reminds me, I am now on a small group of working women from Amazon that are going to deep dive and strategize on how to make operations at Amazon more favorable to women. I feel guilty that I dont feel so strongly about it. I dont agree with changing the work environment to allow for more women to work in operations. If business has to change to accommodate women, then thats not equality!

For the first time in months, Im looking forward for the summer. It was a beautiful cozy winter, but I cant wait for the gorgeous sunny hopeful summer. How much can I pin my joys on someone else? History repeats itself. And if I have learnt anything at all in the darn 30 years of my life, I wont let it..REPEAT.