Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

Riders of a Storm

Every time I think I have made progress and that today I am the best version of myself that I have ever been, I surprise myself with how much wiser I become with each passing day/year and I start to see potential in myself that I hadn't uncovered so far. Innit fucking awesome? But I do recognize that there is still a lot of work to do. An interesting thing to note is that the more clearer I am in my mind the less articulate I have become on paper or in speech. That is such an anti-thesis of everything I know to be true. And hence the lack of posts here. I have sat down many times and started to draft a bunch of new posts over the last 3 years, but just never got around to completing them. I would just argue the point in my head and then see no reason for posting it or feel compelled to put my thoughts down coz I have already gone through the process in my head. Have I just become more efficient? or lazy?

2022 has started well and has been so refreshing thus far. Its same same but different :) I am finding the air crisper, the greens fresher... there is a skip in my step, and there is sparkle in my eye. I feel closer to God and a little bit more in awe of myself for how I have handled things in the recent past. My work is back to being my front and center. I may not win at this, but I will definitely give my best possible most hard working shot. This is the only thing I know today that is in my hands. So are my relationships btw, but I suck at them. Atleast I am good at my work. And it almost always recognizes and reciprocates the time and effort I put in it.

I am totally inspired for this post by my morning today at a park. 😇

Apna time aayega..

Of the many things in life you see, experience, feel.. only a few leave a noticeable impression on you. Movies are a genre that often find a relatable spot and leave such an impression. Gully Boy is one such movie of the recent times that touched me in a way that is not only relatable but also made me appreciate the pure craft that is film-making. Ranveer Singh as Murad is flawless. His adamance to be hopeful reminds me of myself. I am reminded to value the hope and whim which with I have lived my life thus far. No one has time for disappointment. I am too busy being eager :).

But then again, the innocence of his relationship with Safeena reminded me of one of mine - full of deep understanding, growth, and habituation. A world without it didnt seem to exist. Well that bubble broke too soon. Hehe. But the thing to note was that a life beyond habituation was possible. I am living it and its beautiful. There is more clarity of self and that of the world around me.

I wonder sometimes how a cricket World Cup, a movie, a coffee, a Thank You note, etc can change your perspective and hence your life in many ways. Some moments are defining. Its amazing when there is someone else who feels these moments with you. The surreal sense of depth and comfort in those moments is unparalleled. Its like a ray of sun on your face on a beautiful summer day - its almost enlightening. So are those shared moments. But sometimes .. just sometimes .. there is magic in your own company and sharing those moments just with yourself... reflecting on the big fat awesome life you have led. For example: only yesterday a friend shared a pic of a reunion with friends from 11 years ago. Its a blessing to note how far the two of us have come among the 11 that met.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

Damn it. Did I stop rolling! 

Dun matter. Apna time aayega :)

 

Human Behavior

Paulo Coelho writes...
"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream."

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

 And while he is encouraging you and giving you hope.. he brings out the horror..
"And a mistake repeated more than once.. is a decision"
"If they do it often, it isnt a mistake..its their behavior".. said someone else. 
 
Why cant it be hope? Coz that would be foolish, eh?
And then in the calming motherly tone writes Christine Langley-Obaugh..
"We repeat what we dont repair"

This is "The End" by The Doors

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land

Its eerie how I repeat behaviors over and over again. Almost to the point that its becoming a habit.. a decision. And always has the same outcome. I mean, obviously right! 

"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

How does one fight a losing battle with oneself..

Dil gad gad ho gaya

Sitting at a coffee shop in the Paradise Valley area of North Scottsdale overlooking the mountains that surround the city I so love was the last time I felt content within. There was a momentary introduction of similar feeling at the Analog Coffee in the heart of Capitol Hill one fine rainy Seattle afternoon. But its been a good two plus months and I cant seem to get rid of this feeling and I dont think I want to. I feel like myself again.. the same buffoon that can shed a tear at the drop of a hat due to some made up thoughts and stories of content and happiness in my head. Its in a long time that I have felt this gooey within in the absence of jittery in-love feelings. And I am loving it.

I watched Dangal. Great movie. It had everything an Indian movie needs. Patriotism, sports, father-daughter drama, good songs, based on a true story...etc. I cried like a baby for most of that movie. And the ritual of playing the national anthem before every movie - I totally dont get it - but man do I get goose pimples every time I hear our national anthem. I am so in love with this country!! And so proud.

The reason I think I moved back was family. I missed them and wanted to spend more time with people that truly mattered rather than hoping to build relationships that truly dont matter. This Thailand trip was everything and more. I dont know what connects Maa-si and I but whatever it is is so strong. Its true when they say a child's childhood is extremely important and leaves vivid memories in a child's innocent brain. The girl's trip to Krabi will be remembered in a long time to come. :) It was a Training 101 on how to be a cool sister to your 10 years younger cousin who looks up to you and wears all your old clothes and carries all your old purses and bags...whose mannerisms are scarily like yours but she is still a version of herself. This was probably one of the more difficult relationships and an unknown one that I had to traverse. It was very interesting to say the least. Why was I not in their lives till now.

I love my parents. I love them today so much  more than I have ever before. I am in awe of them and I am so thankful to have them in my life and for what we are together - a nut-job of a dysfunctional family. aah... so much fun :)

****************************

I have been thinking of A lately. Where he is, what he is upto, and things that led to where we are today. I hope things are going well for him now. However, I dont think I can still forgive him. But his gave me a another great example of why I believe in the institution of marriage. It gave me another data point in my often held conversations with friends on why marriage takes a relationship to a different level and it isnt just a legal binding. Coz with it comes a lot of other un-said and un-explained bindings which arent obvious. It might be societal but its true and exists. I do miss his rants sometimes. But I dont miss his cockiness in thinking he can trick and get away. Most often he was caught. Sucks for him.

****************************

But regardless I end this on an extremely happy note. I sit here alone in my home with just a mattress and nothingness, but its still better than a houseful of things and a lonely heart in USA.

How to Lose a Guy in 3 months

1. Be mean to him. More than you normally would to anyone coz he needs to see your worst side to better prepare himself for those 5% of the times when you are abnormal.

2. Cry every Friday that you are with him. Just so that those are his best Friday memories.

3. Make fun while/of sex with him.

4. Let him know multiple times that he doesnt get your complicated (read stupid) emotions.

5. Always appear to be right.

6. Make him super uncomfortable in your house and let him know that you feel pressured. 

7. Be super uncomfortable in his house and let him know that you hate his house and hate being there. 

.

.

.

.

.

and I'll keep filling these as I get more an more insight into this. Readers, please let me know if you have some more interesting ideas. Im definitely going to try and test this out on this perfectly awesome guy and play Kate Hudson myself. Who knows may be in the process I will fall in love or worse still this guy would come out to be the likes of Matthew McConaughey. Fun!! 

**********************************

In another story apparently married/committed men continue to have a thing for me now. They still assume they possess me while they continue to have dreamy sexy conversations with their significant others. I appreciate their candid burst of emotions but even I believe in what is right is right and cannot do a Roy on myself. (He will be thrilled that he gets a mention on my blog). They truly need to understand that they cannot have the best of both worlds. Your ship has sailed my friend. Enjoy the journey of your life. I need to find my ship. Oh if only, I dont lose it in every 3 months following the basic principles mentioned above. :)

**********************************

I heard Shashi Tharoor speak at a debate in Oxford. Man, is he impressive. When i discussed this with a friend he condemned him saying that he doesnt know or understand anything and he is just a good orator and the credit goes to his writers. Sure, I guess. I havent researched much on Tharoor so I could have midguided opinions. But given what I know about him and his education and his opinions, although not the best, he is still pretty impressive. 

Diya aur Baati

Im tired of lifting my spirits up... there has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.. !
Where the fuck is it?

From the ashes a fire shall be woken..

There was a reason why my blog's tagline was, "...Not all those who wander are lost.."

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

- J. R. R. Tolkien

I cant wait. 

The Odyssey

Almost 30. As I look back nothing substantial has happened, but then again oh my oh my .. so much has happened. I have learnt to wipe my ass, ride a cycle, have sex, and lie. Those early years and the memories attached with it are pivotal to my life's journey or should I say my epic voyage or the odyssey. 

A Pageant of Poems: I hope Mom hasnt thrown this X standard ICSE book away from my big black trunk of memorabilia. Little at that time did I value what the ICSE course was training me to be, teaching me through these verses. I studied the Merchant of Venice for two years. I wish I had given it a little bit more importance and felt it a layer deeper than I did. Nevertheless, there was this one poem out of the many that I distinctively remember and recollect even when I disliked poems and learnt them coz I had to. It was Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Even at that age this poem moved me and made me think. I related to this Ulysses guy. I liked how strong the story telling was and enjoyed how many scribblings I had on the white space around the two page long poem. Each word in the poem had a history, a story to tell. This was the only poem and poet that I remember to date. Its strange.

Its strange. I dont know why I think of it today. Like I had mentioned earlier life has come a full circle. There is meaning to everything, there is a purpose to all. How a book about the Indian subcontinent led to this discovery. So apt and so precise.. this poem. Its strange, but it makes sense now.


It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees:  All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea:  I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honor'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life.  Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains:  But every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bounds of human thought.
 
This is my son, mine own Telemachos,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle-
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfill
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone.  He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port, the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas.  My mariners,
Souls that have tol'd and wrought, and thought with me-
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads - you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all:  but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes:  the slow moon climbs:  the deep
Moans round with many voices.  Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be that we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved heaven and earth; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.


To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

A naked Woman

And such is a woman's body. Truly poetic. Truly inspirational. And then we have the younger idiotic younger generation that tries to play around with that image and make woman what she is not - a statue!

The little flab on the tummy, the slightly sagging boobs (umm.. coz they are real), the oblong buttocks (no they are not round and juicy). Love a man who can appreciate this. So sexy that man is and so aroused he makes me. I lay naked in my thoughts ready to make love to a man who is real but who is mysterious. I want to pleasure him back.

Courtesy: the dancing women outside the Herberger Theater Center.

On the Other side

How difficult is it for us to live life and be thankful. Why do we fail to acknowledge what we have today. Why do we take it for granted. Our health, the people we love, our life, our work and what not. It doesnt take too long for it to go away and before you realize, its too late.

Snapshots of.... the crepes at Eiffel Tower, the pink flowers in Brugges, the bouquet of roses in the INC room, the guitar playing, the glass of champagne dropping, the socks all over the room, Kenny G on a tattered black player, the blue jacket that was smelt, the music that I never used to listen to, the eyes with the look of pride and sometimes embarassment, Bryan Adams (oh No) and the Manorama stories, the sloppy kiss, bhutta and Vasanthi, the Oh Man jokes and tulips, the green eyes that always stared, the wrong size pink pencil and that smile, pillu and billu, and what not...keep coming back to me. Life is full of these smaller instances and these smaller stories to tell. Its these pieces put together that defines life... Life is not the bigger picture! Then why do we fail to live these moments.. Why do we take these for granted..

It doesnt take too long before life is whisked away from you and then you will regret everything you didnt do and everything you didnt say. Dont have that regret. You didnt live well, and that feeling wont let you die well.

Express and Live.

Love always.

..that link..

V says a link is missing... strangely enough.. so is mine.. !

Everything is in the best place that it could be for me as of now, but there is still something missing. And like most things I cannot put my finger on this one either. New job, new apartment (the most beautiful that I have ever lived in), new found freedom and the sudden responsibility of being all grown up, the pleasure of having Mom with me, and he seems at his best in the last one year... but then why is there something missing ..?

I guess I always have preferred to keep the old things/people/places. I try and hold onto them for as long as I can. This particularly happens with people too. I fail to see the good in the new. No wonder I held onto him for this long.

And on a totally unrelated note...this song has been playing in my head since last night.. !!
For that magic moment that I await.. and so does he.. !

I hate you (like I love you)

Another one of my best friends is getting married. People I was so close to, people I worked with, people I shared my innermost feelings with, people who are my friends and who love me, people whose lives were just like mine... they are all getting married. It feels weird.

She sounded just normal as if nothing extraordinary had happened. This was ought to happen, she says. They were in love. They wanted to get married. It wasnt thought or talked about. It just was the next step. They were in love. :)

She called me yesterday and said, "my wedding date is fixed. Its 17th Feb."

************************************************************************************

She called again and they talked. ..... .... and the cycle continues. The never ending, vicious, heart breaking, tiring cycle still continues. Powered by determination, or lack of self esteem, or worse still, the need to regain her self esteem, she continues to disrupt my life. And he watches like a silent observer. He says he is a helper. God sent! Son of God to help the needy and the poor and the desperates!!! Respect!!

God helps those who help themselves.
And, One who cannot help himself cannot help anyone!

************************************************************************************

Two such contrasting emotions in a single day, but all so true.

C'est la vie !!!

The Light's plight

With every passing hour life changes. I feel each moment gushing past me and I still cannot do much.. I still let it go.. I fail to squeeze what it has to offer. And so today I have stopped trying. I am not competing with it anymore. I am not trying to make it perfect! Coz there is no perfect. If the moment is yours it will touch you with warmth and caress you and make you live in it for a century else it will run away making way for the next moment.

Its not settled yet. I doubt if it ever will be settled. "Yes" and "No" are my strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt come easily to everyone. I will always be scared.. always unsettled. Future was never so apprehensive as it is now. Should I be excited or nervous?

I cant take those memories away and I know I cannot make better ones now. How will this survive? I have so much to say. Who do I say it to? I cant preach anymore, I cant bitch anymore, I cant be sad anymore, I cant cry anymore.... cmon, I cant be a doll anymore!! Bottling up is not my characteristic. Id rather speak as it comes. But who do I say it to?

There is need but no interest. Which is bigger and mightier? A poll.

Its read, but never spoken about. Why?

It is going to be ordinary and very standard. Lets face it. And even that is a struggle.

L'chaim!!!

Seasons

Fall came with betrayal and true to itself as a sign of change

Winter brought with it some cold revelations

Spring bloomed with new flowers and a new love story yet to begin; some hope, some direction

Summer should be warm, earthy, and happy

It all seems to be falling in line. My ducks are getting in a row :)

Signs

So, P has it all figured out. She is my age and married for about a year to a guy who had been a friend of hers for the last 10 years. Its intense, the conversations we have. I cannot be her bff (I hate using this term). There are characteristics of hers that I dont appreciate a lot. But then there is this tangent that joins us together.. kinda like the tangent that passes through between the two circles. Our lives, our beliefs, our thoughts, and our opinions are so alike. She seems to be like my mirror image in a few of those aspects. But certainly like I mentioned before she definitely is more sorted out or rather appears to be. She says marriage did that to her. I dont believe her.

Things converge. Six degrees of separation for people? I say, for everything; for every emotion, for every situation, for every moment in time (how the hell will that work now?). Coming back to the point, everything seems to be getting pulled towards this central source of attraction and its not just gravity pulling towards the center of the earth. Its something else. Everything is so interrelated and connected. And I forget but we must value that. That is exactly how it was meant to be. This is how it was designed. I should not put my foot in my mouth and try and segregate these needs and these things/situations/moments etc. The overtly organized person that I am with an almost obsessive compulsive disorder existing, I should still let it pave it own way and with its own time.

I believe that everything in this world happens for a reason. Its important to not dig deep into this pit looking for reasons and answers but rather allow it its due course of time and let it explain itself to you as to why it happened. Oh! such wisdom!

Current Status - Better luck next time

A Sailboat

Not all those who wander are lost...

..A reminder to self..

On the other side..

"Every good friend once was a stranger" - A shady Chinese restaurant's Fortune Cookie

Welcome strangers :)