Perspectives

Some settings force me to sit back, think, and re-align on life's priorities. Punakha's riverside lodge's wooden bench facing the river was one such setting. And, today this 180 year old villa in Kasauli perched on a little hill with old world charm with wooden log table on its mezzanine right under the trees, sky, and clouds is the reason why I am writing again. 

I was in Kasauli Club yesterday and was quite impressed with their little library - new and old but relevant books neatly tucked away with army like due diligence on tagging and labeling. The club itself reminded me of an era that I had grew up in but left behind almost 10 years ago when Papa retired. The well dressed Uncles with moustaches and beards that felt like they stood for more than today's aesthetic outlook - they seemed to be reminding us of the dignity, pride, and respect that the officers carried.  The creaky wooden floors and ceilings didnt embarrass but instead yielded to conversations about preservation and once again pride of the past. 

Coming back to the books; I saw Two Saints by Shourie and The Third Pillar by Raghuram Rajan that caught my attention. Shourie trying to make a point linking the mystics to science and Rajan insinuating on communal well-being as a lost reality; the later being more personal given the The Internet of Value and my indirect association with it. How knowledge fascinates me and how I hold the well-read in high regard keeps surfacing through such experiences. I want to read and develop opinions.. more than I already have. I feel lost on the excitement of getting sucked into the theories and perspectives of respectable people. In fact my very own first few posts of this blog were my take on my then recent learnings - for instance Groucho Marx's quote: Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; Inside of a dog, its too dark to read. 

So, circling back to life's priorities, I do find myself continuing to be mystified by the old worldliness and knowledge. I might be more accepting if the newness is wrapped in older ways of communication. The fast and furious learnings through video content and that too wrapped in 60 secs (oh did you say 30 secs?) is a little bit unnerving and out of order for me. My constant need of proof of truth concerns my beliefs. The very reason I took up electronics vs computer science was coz I could see the truth. Hilarious! I am yet to make up my mind on the recent and rather sudden AI movement. I understand it is here to stay and it is in our best interest to make friends with it quickly. And I think I already have an acquaintance with it - which is significant given my lacuna in building friendships easily. Why am I still making up my mind about AI is a narration for a different blog post but in short I do believe AI to be different from the last modern movement of world wide web and the chaos that was smartphones. 

I want to sit in cozy libraries and read; talk to intelligent people that dont question my perspectives but openly share theirs; ruminate and allow myself to breathe, think, reflect; build patience and faith to write long narratives and learn to not question timeworthiness of things that actually could grant me some peace. 

 

 

A re-do

I have never felt this emotion-less ever in my life. Its my version of inching towards nirvana. And that is supposed to be a good thing, except I don't feel so good. I feel a bit lost and as if I am chartering unknown territories. While I have worked hard to get here, I was always afraid of losing myself.. and I do feel lost. But this DC wave like feeling, with no crests and troughs of a sinusoidal wave feel dull and without meaning. Don't get me wrong, I feel emotions but I deal with them with this tired sense of understanding... like I have been there, seen it all, and it is not new and exciting. And so the drama of it doesn't last long. Except recently when I experienced new unknown feelings during my school's 25th reunion. 

It was a momentous occasion. I was overwhelmed because I felt a sense of warmth and accomplishment like I had never before...not in a long time anyway. Everything was different, but yet the familiarity was uncanny. A friend put it simply - it was happy yet sad, but also sad yet happy. This trip down the memory lane jolted me out of my mundane emotion-less life a bit. It re-introduced me to the old me (which I am certain I can never be again - she was absolutely amazing). I was dearly overwhelmed. I deepened some friendships, made a few new connections, and to net it all off weakened some old feelings. 

As 2025 looms over me, I feel settled. I have no big tasks at hand; no conquests that I must conquer. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to be happy either. But I also don't want a lame life. Hopefully I can channel this new feeling of being settled into something more meaningful. An yearly himalayan trek has been a long pending promise I made to myself. Playing a sport always made me immensely happy and kept my competitive side alive. And all of this will hopefully help to weasel out all the boy energy that keeps coming my way. 

I don't particularly like my posts off-late. Honestly, I have multiple half-written posts in my Drafts. Most of them are a drab account of my current life against my earlier posts which were observant, witty with depth and character, which allowed me to pen down my complicated thoughts and multiple perspectives about a rather simplistic topic. See, this is what I meant in my opening remark.. I feel I have lost a bit of myself in all of this. I used to get excited about dissecting a simple emotion and thoroughly analysing it. :) Oh such fun. But now, I just let it pass by. Is this growing up? I will do whatever it takes to hold on to that self of mine. But the contradiction of allowing really stupid men forcibly take that away from me consumes me. Companionship and sex is a bitch!