In the wrong...?..even at 25?

Will I ever be able to conquer my insecurities and errors? Is there ever a new start? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? In the midst of all this why do I get caught up in the nothingness of things. I have always wanted a simple straight forward path to follow, but surprisingly when I am involved I dont really let things be so simple and straight forward. I cant expect myself to own! I cant own everything!

Why do people like me? They never have an asnwer. They never do! Is that a problem? Or is it too good to be true? Am I too submissive? Most people will never agree to that, but I do think and know that beneath the superficial layer, I am quite vulnerable. Am I revealing too much? Is this information even true? I am just zapped and confused. I always have been. And there isnt anybody I trust enough to give me a good feedback.

We are learning about feedbacks in our OB class. And Kinicki says that giving a good feedback is the skill most managers fail to master and this is the problem most companies are facing. THIS is the problem? I thought economic recession was the problem. Looks like not!

I see it in their eyes. But I dont know why they dont behave like that. Or may be I dont perceive their behaviour in the right direction. They appreciate what is not me so much that it makes me jealous. Yes, I am being very truthful in saying that it does get me very jealous. Is it really that wrong to be jealous? I remember soemone telling me that jealousy is a vice and will always make one do wrong things. Like how anger makes one take bad decisions. But then how can one not be jealous? Is it a possibililty? Are there people who have never been jealous of anything? Or they probably just call it something better and fancy?

First impression is the most important impression. First impression lasts forever. But what after first impression? ....what after an amazingly awesome first impression? What do you do now? Anticiaption kills me here. Am I asking the opposite question? But that is what I am ineffective in doing.

I hate her. She is all fidgety, giggly, pretty, and pink. She is a girl.. rather in my terms a girlie girl. Cant stand her. And dont go by her looks, she is cunning. Probably the girl that most guys fantasize about but at the same time curse in their bachelorette party coz of how she used them. She is the reason why I detest being friends with a girl. Shrewd, diplomatic, political and a bitch is how I would perceive her. I have NEVER opposed anyone so strongly. I have opinions but they never have been of such extreme nature. But she is an exception. Or have I unnecessarily given her so much importance? Am I dumb?.. or insecure? But for what?.. For who..? Sometimes I just cant stand myself. Am I being too hard on myself? Does this happen to most?

I think of him still. I read what he writes and everytime...let me reiterate... everytime I feel that he writes for me. Just kinda a feel good factor. He was my foundation and the most important, visible, and well etched person in my memory. Good luck to him. He deserves the best.
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Secluded from the above description of my thoughts, I would make a mention of my birthday. It was the most awesome bday. Thanks to everyone who made it this special. And surprisingly, these were people... err .. friends that I was still getting to know. And even more surprisingly, people who I expected to make it special, only ruined it. Irony.. eh? Or wrong expectations? My analysis says that the solution of all my problems are unmet expectations. But I have never really conquered this approach.
But my 25th bday was a time to remember and I will remember it for a long long time.

Adios.

Strategic Balance

Disclaimer: This post comes at a time when I am dead sleepy but cant sleep coz I have to complete a Stratgy chapter which talks of how people cheat, fancily called opportunism, and how it can hurt you, called costs of opportunism.

(I have had a disclaimer on few of my posts. These are those times when I write coz I am either frustrated, or lazy, or sleepy, or just not in a mood to write. So it might not be a good read, but then I never asked you to read.)

And life can get to you. This post comes as such a contrast to my last one. So much so for a change... and in just three months. Life is the complete opposite of what I had been living in the last 6 months and that probably being the reason for me losing the CFF tag I had and not living upto my set standards. But I am really enjoying it. Its same in many ways but yet so different.

My travel here had an element of excitement because of the Europe trip. That was one helluva trip! I dont even want to get into writing a post explaining it; there is just too much to talk about and too much to not talk about (wink..wink). But coming here and starting a new life freaked me out much less than my shifting to Bangalore for work had. Anticipation wasnt killing me and I was surprised why.

Americans, their culture, their accent, their snootiness and all that:
Wasnt so bad afterall. I dont want to sound like a know-it-all person (in many ways I do and sorry about that) but it didnt take me time or effort to understand them. They are same as Indians in almost all respects. One cant talk about smoking up with them, neither can one wear plunging necklines without people looking, one cant swear, one will get looks if one drinks and gets too excited and etc etc. They are just the same, its just that..probably.. their percentage of open minded people is slightly higher than India. And Indians in the US, abso-fuckin-lutely crazy. The other day I went for Dandiya and I would have had a 100 times better crowd in some sad Pune dandiya than what I had here. Do ABCDs (as my roommates and a lot of others call them) forget to 'get dressed' when they come here and think that everything is cool.

And people have a universal problem with me being outspoken. Some love it, some like it, some outrightly hate it. And the proportion of Indians and Americans who have these opinions remain the same! I thought there was more accpetance here, but I should have known that they have never had a woman Prez whereas India has had!

Some Americans consider me hot/beautiful/super-cool. Good to know that. It always gives me energy to be good to people. I can be very mean sometimes!

Friends:
People are all good. They are not extraordinary, but they are the ones that I can relate to. I dont feel like a dumb chick among them. Indian crowd is kind of a shame. Everyone is amazingly sweet, but I expected something better out of a b-school crowd. I am single, you see. I have different perspectives.

Home:
I avoid being home. I love the graduate suite. Its the common area for the b school graduates, almost like a lounge area. Its awesome fun. Everyone is discussing the same thing and everyone is going crazy! And yes, there are more reasons why I avoid being home!
My roommate sleeps at 9:30 and gets up at 5. Beats Me.. !

Oh that reminds me of one of my professors.. Boatsman.. ! Awesome fella. If it wasnt for him I would have never understood how to manage GOBS of money that I am hoping to make after my MBA! haha.. For better understanding of the legend, click here.

All in all, I am living the same life, just a lot more busier. And I am not complaining. With the setting that I am in, I wouldnt have wanted to be free. Education here is awesome. I really like my school as it gives me the opportunity to be visible and stand out. I am hoping to not let the energy die down and make the most of it.

Adios! Till the next post which will not be published anytime soon.

First Look

After a while even holidaying can get to you! Really! I have been making so many trips - small and big, for leisure and for work that I am finally looking for some worthwhile work to tell myself that I have a brain (which is losing the essence of being alive after relaxing so much). I am not doubting the amount of effort that goes into planning a trip, considering that I am a perfect planner rather too perfect that it takes away the fun of not being spontaneous (Well, I have had my share of spontaneous trips too - a 4 day trip planned over a coffee on my terrace the previous night), shopping insanely and making sure that all others formalities of entering a B school are met rightly and on time (even when you are cruising away to glory and spending nights watching strip shows). So its one helluva brain activity. But thats not what I mean. I mean propah work.

----So much so for long sentences... shows the kind of lull that I am talking about----

The most recent trip that I made was to Kolkatta and then to Bangkok from there. Both new to me. Im normally not so observant of places or things (mind you, I didnt mention people here) but these 2 cities had somethings very peculiar that even I noticed them. Just a few first impressions that I would like to not forget.

Kolkatta:

• The very first thing as I head out of the airport - the terribly SULTRY weather. I have experienced Bbay's weather and that of Delhi's but they were nowhere in competition with this one. It was Horrible.

• The roads - they had a weird make. They were tar for sure but had some hammered nails look making it appear like dots all over the road. I dont know what it was. If it wasnt for the heat which fried my brain cells, I would have tried to figure out.

• The tram's track running through most of the city and vehicles coolly moving over it. Very weird.

• The taxi drivers - They are fast and rash but in full control of their vehicle. Each one of them. And they dont like you telling them to slow down. Its their town and roads and they are aware of its every turn and pothole.

• The bong people - Not a big fan of the bongs but they seemed quite helpful.

• The bong look - sitting at a cafe by the roadside one can pin point each and every 'born and brought up in Kolkata' person. They are so typical.

• The colonial architecture of most of the buildings - beautiful, very beautiful indeed. Its amazing to see the way all this is restored with grace and still in use and not converted to mere museums.

• The hand rickshaw - I did sit in one and handed him a 50 buck note for a less than 50 metre travel. Out of guilt? But I wasnt really so against this.

• Overtly congested city - some parts extremely beautiful and green and some dont give you a single inch more than what is required for you to stand.

• The full Yellow Ambassador taxis - with leather/rexine upholstery that will stick to you the moment you sit on it considering the weather, no AC but obvious, well decorated with kaali ma pictures and phoolmala, smelling of not well scented dhoop and always playing some bhajan.

• The puchkas - This I discovered much later but they were really yummy. Just that the paani was not cold and I prefer it that way. I had 2 full plates standing at a make shift stall outside the Victorial Memorial Hall. One of my bong friend told me that that is a very 'Cal thing to do' and it indeed felt great.

• Flury's - Had heard so much about it. Well, I have been to better bakeries, For ex. the French Bakery in Pondicherry, but this one had its own charm. This also was on the agenda on the second day.

• City is very well connected - taxis, awesome bus service, trams, metros, rail, cycle rickshaws, hand rickshaws. It has almost all the possible trasport systems that there are available in India.

So all in all I consider that I had an awesome typical kalkatta experience. Only thing that really got to me was the heat! Now is definitely not the time to go to Calcutta.

Bangkok:

• First thing that caught my eye were the innumerable PINK cabs - Not only were they a shocking pink from the outside, but even the upholstery was a bright shade of pink.

• Language problem - I somehow manage to communicate with anybody who doesnt understand the languages that I know either through making gestures or just by some common words of English that anybody would know. But man.. these Thais, they are just impossible. You make any gesture and they act SO dumb..! And they dont know any English. Communication was quite a task.

• Extremely expensive commute - Metro, Sky rail, buses, taxis, even the famous Tuk Tuk -- All very expensive.

• They sing songs rather than just talk. Thats a known fact for mostly all South East Asian.

• There are definitely more girls there than boys. God knows what their gender ratio comes out to be.

• Shorts for girls is like a national uniform. Everybody is in shorts there. Its like a rule. But I didnt see much of plunging necklines. Mostly everybody wore regular t-shirts. More so coz they lacked what is to be shown while wearing such necklines.

• Indian girls are considered drop-dead gorgeous there (probably coz they have bigger eyes and boobs than the rest of them there).

• No body hair and that goes for girls as well as guys.

• Women mostly always have a layer of makeup on them.

• Shoes with high heels is another rule out there. Whether they are in the bus or selling peanuts on the roads or are heading for an expensive party, they are all in high heels. They can run, jump, twist, twirl and do all acrobatics in their heels. They are a pro and its a must learn from them. I tried and gave up and got back to my flip flops.

• Mankut (mangosteen) is an awesome fruit and I loved it.

• Their king is next to their God.

• That place is full of cats. So many of them there.

• Shopping is everywhere. Shopping is the second thing that Bangkok is known for.

• First being their sex industry. Its full of shows. Lots of them. Not really quite so interesting.

• Extremely patient and calm people until when it comes to eating their head with bargaining. But bargaining is a must there.

• Great hangouts for a mug/bottle of beer. Singha was strong.

• They are quick shoppers. It takes a Thai an average of 3 mins to pick up something from a shop as against the 20-25 mins that I spend deciding on one item. I can irritate an Indian so a Thai's irritation is valid, I guess.

• Everything out there is Pink. Now I know why Nokia/Samsung/Dell come out with Pink phones and Laptops. They have a huge market in places like these.

• Great respect for their elders. You will nearly always see an elderly figure on a wheelchair enjoying a swim or a game of pool with his/her children. They are never left alone.

• They have the cutest kids. Second best to those of Chinese.

So these are a few things that I noticed about this new place until I got down with fever. Bangkok is just a better version of Delhi. It isnt as great a city as Singapore. Singapore was heaven.

Now there is more to come in another fortnight. I wish it to be a better trip.

A Letter to a Friend

To You,

I derive happiness from small things in life. That being said, bigger things in life leave me spellbound and I dont know how to react. I start doubting their enormity. Something similar happened to me a couple of days back when I heard the news that I had been willing to hear for over 4 months now. I was successful at last. But I didnt know if I was happy. I was so well prepared for the worst that I had almost started living the alternate life. To give my reaction a direction, my only critic didnt seem happy either. I decided to not be overwhelmed. And I continued with my preset agenda for the night (which indeed got a push as a result of the sucessful news). I was with friend log, people who dont know me well and who I dont intend to make a part of my successes and failures, and so it was the perfect setting. I was far away from being reminded of anything that I didnt want to think of.

And in all this I forgot that there are people who care for me, people who are willing to be a part of my life, people who deserve to be a part of my life. Its their right and I am no one to decide. Not everything about your life is governed by you. Id say most of it is not. I want to say 'I am Sorry'. I am so so sorry. You have been more than a friend to me. I did say those nasty things about you being selfish et all...well.. I still stand by them ;) , but you still have given to me that which no one could - hope, faith and confidence. I am not those who forget and are long gone. You should know that about me by now. There is not one thing that I have forgotten - Tulips, Pure, Oh Man, Hint, Empire, Eggs etc etc. No one forgets. Priorities change, relationships dont.

It wasnt my success that got to me, but my inability to celebrate that did. I couldnt have done that without you. I have always complained and I didnt even realise when it became inevitable for me to move ahead without you. I am so glad you are there and would not lose you for anything in this world. I love you.

From
Me

3...

Today is the day that I thought I would never see. But more often than desired you are introduced to a new side of your own and you realise you are a bigger stranger to yourself than anyone else walking on the road. And to accustom yourself to this new something you redefine your principles, your fundas, your focus.. you redefine yourself...!! And what is right and what is wrong? And who decides that? You? And how do you what you have decided is right or wrong? Arrghh!! I have asked this a lot and I dont like to ask no more..coz I never get an answer.

This time it has stretched the longest. I am happy I could stand and fight. But how much longer?

And as is rightly said... 'Teen tigada, kaam bigada'... I am just sitting in anticipation for things to take their turn. Although I have played safe this time but sayings dont falter too often.

This day shall not be forgotten.

The Fling

..And all I needed was one large vodka..or may be two.

On a related note I love the song and the video below. That woman is soo very sexy.

Yesterday..

..seems not so far away with its memories vividly etched in my mind. Why does a deja vu occur for each one of them? Why cant I get rid of them? Why does he still exist? I guess coz I still do and everything that is mine will.



I have always loved this song and I still do. But I still dont know why?


What happened today was not new to me. It was like a refresher course wherein you know everything already but are just hazy on the details. And it becomes a drag sometimes and invariably takes you back to the first time you learnt it all. Not always is it a good feeling. Stuck am I? Not really, I say.